Friday, May 6, 2011

What should be. What WILL be.

What should be:

A day spent admiring my three beautiful children.

A reflection on the joys of the last three years of motherhood.

A giggling little girl playing with her baby brother and sister, showing off her ever expanding vocabulary and doing "big girl things".

What WILL be:

A day spent admiring my three beautiful children.
Two in my arms, one only in my memory.

A reflection of the long road that motherhood has taken me on.
A road filled with tears of joy and sorrow. 
With obstacles overcome, and those that never can be.

An ache for my giggling little girl who never lived to learn to giggle.
The pain of her absence ever present,
regardless of the other joys in my life.

This is the best I can hope for.
For this Mother's Day, 
or any others to follow.

For the first time since becoming a mother, I am not dreading Mother's Day. I am looking forward to celebrating these three amazing little beings, and all the ways that they have changed me, but as with all milestone dates, the countdown to Mother's Day brings with it a mix of emotions.

The joy over all I have,
and the pain over all I can't.

As Sunday approaches, Peyton feels that much further from me.
Not from my soul of course. 
But physically. Just so very far. 

I want to hold her again. I want to feel her nuzzle against my chest. I want to breathe in the sweet minty smell of the hair on her head.

Each day I tell her brother and sister about the amazing things that she did. How strong she was. The way she would stare into our eyes for hours and rarely complained despite the trials she was put through. I tell them how at just a few minutes old, Peyton reached out and grabbed her pacifier, sticking it into her own mouth -  a feat that at nine weeks old, neither of her siblings have yet managed to figure out.

I tell them these things because it is all I can do.
It is the only way they will ever know her.
Through me.
Through my telling.

What should be will always haunt me.
She was here.
She was perfect.
She was mine and she is gone.

Still gone.

Despite two and a half years of prayers to the contrary.

My daughter Peyton is gone and the permanence of that is something I will struggle through all the days of my life.

What will be is beautiful,
but what should have been can never be forgotten.

Whether TTC, giving up on conceiving at all, waiting for a rainbow, carrying your rainbow, holding your rainbow in your arms, facing your first Mother's Day without the child you have lost, facing the tenth Mother's Day without the child you have lost, facing countless Mother's Days without ever having a child - regardless of where you are in your given journey, I know that Mother's Day can be the cruelest day on the calendar.

Please know I am keeping you all in my heart this Sunday.


  1. Beautiful post. You do all your children a service. Happy Mother's Day to you.

  2. As always when I read your posts, you said it so eloquently and put into words what many of us can't.

    I often think of the what is and what's not. I mourn what isn't and cherish what is. The is and is not are hard to bare most moments.

    Hugs and support as the milestone days come.

  3. I love this post.
    What makes this oddly hard is Sunday just happens to also be the day my anniversary falls on...mothers day. So I will spend unique time thinking of my husband and the day we were married two years ago and that two weeks later we conceived the precious daughter we no longer have so this mothers day isn't as gentle to my heart.
    Thank you for thinking of us. Hug you rainbows tight and I too will be thinking of you on sunday.

  4. So beautiful.

    Waiting on a rainbow, thinking of you and your beautiful Peyton and snowflakes in return.

  5. I read your posts all the time Kristin and like Liat said, you put into words what many of us can't. I am so fortunate to have met you Kristen. I will be thinking of you Sunday. Big hugs.

  6. What a beautiful, eloquent, heart-breaking, and joyful post. Amazing.

  7. And you'll be in my heart as well. Sunday and always.
    Remembering Peyton.

  8. BIG hugs to you are your THREE beautiful children!!! <3

  9. Beautiful post. You sure do have a wonderful way with words. Thinking of you today and hoping you love being with your precious snowflakes. Enjoy this day!!! Love Leah's Nana

  10. After reading your beautiful words, I'm just left thinking that because of Peyton you experience more heartbreak (from her absence) yet more joy (because of who you are from loving her and now treasuring your twins AND Peyton). I do hope that your Mother's Day was a special time for reflecting on what is and what should have been. On this first Mother's Day without Miles, I was both thankful to be his mother just as well as I was heartbroken to not have him in my arms on this day (just like any other). As always, thank you for sharing.