Monday, March 28, 2011

Our new life...

The snowflakes are now three and a half weeks old. It is hard to explain how significantly our lives have changed in this span of time, one that has gone by in an instant, and dragged out due to exhaustion all at once, with building our home and our world around them. Things that once seemed important (getting to those bits of housework for instance) have fallen by the wayside, and instead have been replaced by 2AM feedings and skin on skin time and being stared up at by two sets of beautiful royal blue eyes. Eyes that are young, and innocent, and not at all "all knowing" like those that came before them were.

If I had written this post the first week, I wouldn't have noticed too many of the small joys of new parenthood. The exhaustion I felt from the anemia is something I can barely describe in words -like running in sand, or trying to breathe through a straw. I am grateful to be feeling a bit stronger in that regard with each passing day, and now that my energy levels are coming up, and my milk (Thank God!) has come in, the chaos that is my life raising newborn twins, and missing the older sister who should be here with them, has almost (dare I say it) started to settle into a routine. Well.. as routine as life without sleep can be, but in a good way.

I am no stranger to lack of sleep. Anyone who has read here for a while knows I am an insomniac, and have been since Peyton's passing, but this new lack of sleep - the wake up to change and feed and change and feed (and usually change again) is more physically, but far less mentally, exhausting than my nights have been these last few years, and for that I am grateful.

I used to wonder what I would do if the snowflakes arrived looking like Peyton. Now I have my answer. Our little K is so much her clone in looks that it threw me for a loop the first week or two. H, however, has a look all her own. I guess I am grateful that if one has to look like Peyton, it is K. I think seeing a little girl who so resembled her big sister would be hard on me.

We brought the babies up to Peyton's hill last week. It was a visit cut short by some not very nice weather, and paving happening at the entrance of the cemetery, but I felt it was important, to show them who she is, and to show her that she has not and never will be replaced or forgotten. I also wanted to go up there and offer her my gratitude, for the blessings and protection that I know she offered over her little siblings leading up to their safe arrival.

It's a funny thing, and one I know you have all read a million times on rainbow baby blogs, but I have to say, there is something so bitter sweet in seeing these babies do all that Peyton couldn't. This week they will have outlived their big sister, and while I am so grateful for all that they do, and the ways they thrive and grow and learn with each passing day, there is a part of me - the Peyton's mother part, that feels so sad for her and all that her siblings get to do, that she never was afforded the luxury of. Little things, like being looked at with eyes full of joy, rather than those of fear and sadness. I wish Peyton had been allowed so many things... and that's the reality of parenting a child gone too soon - no matter how full my heart and my life become I will never stop wishing for all that should have been for her.

27 comments:

  1. Glad to hear you and the snowflakes are starting to settle into a routine.... it definitely is exhausting. I can relate totally to your struggles with your greif for Peyton... that will never fade. Nice to hear that Hadleigh and Kellan 'met' their big sister the other night.... xx

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  2. The picture of Kellan and Hadleigh in the corner of your blog is so darn cute! They are so beautiful and precious.

    I haven't gone through what you have been through but you know I hold your close in my heart and keep you in my prayers. ((HUGS))

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  3. As always, exquisitely written. One can feel the raw joy and sadness. You are amazing parents. How special that you took the snowflakes to meet Peyton AND remind Peyton that she is still very much part of the family. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch the snowflakes grow bigger than Peyton. HUGS to you. Bitter sweet is an apt way to describe it. Thanks for updating.

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  4. Thank you for the update. I have been thinking about the Kellan and Hadleigh and your family for a while now. I am sorry that you are feeling not only happiness with living children but sadness for Peyton and what she was not given. That is a down side to babies after a loss. I'm glad that you are bring the twins up knowing already about their brave sister Peyton. I hope that things will get easier with time on the above issue.
    Hugs-
    Felicia

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  5. While I am happy for you, I can't help but feel sad also. I teared up at your words your blessings are so adorable. I can see Peyton in her little bother.Wishing the best with your little darlings and keeping Peytons memory always in my thoughts.

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  6. I 100% agree, and I love your choice of words:

    "that's the reality of parenting a child gone too soon - no matter how full my heart and my life become I will never stop wishing for all that should have been for her."

    I look at my rainbow baby every day and think of our son River, what would he be doing right now, that he is almost 2? I will never get to see them grow up together. These feelings are hard to set aside.

    Thinking of you!

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  7. "no matter how full my heart and my life become I will never stop wishing for all that should have been for her."

    that's exactly what i wish everyone else would understand. it will never suddenly be OK that one child is dead, just b/c everything else is great.

    so glad you are enjoying those little ones, and hoping you get some sleep soon.

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  8. I love the picture of them in the right hand corner of your blog, they are so precious! I'm glad they also got to meet their sister too=)

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  9. You certainly do make beautiful children, all three of them. x

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  10. There are times when Paisley looks just like Mackenzie...usually when she sleeps (obviously b/c I only saw Mackenzie "asleep") but I just stare at her and cry. I too am sad for what Paisley is afforded but Mackenzie was not. Having a baby at home reinforces what all we've missed. I am so grateful for Paisley...words cant describe. Sometimes I've so overjoyed to have her that I cry just looking at her or talking to her. I agree with you, having Kellan look like Peyton (which he does!!) is probably better than if Hadleigh did...for your sanity. I am so very very happy for you and I know all 3 of your babies are lucky to have such a loving & caring mommy <3

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  11. Beautiful. Love hearing about this life. as an insomniac, I never minded the 2am feedings either.Mainly because it was nice to wake up and then fall right back asleep again. Sending love to those gorgeous babies. xo

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  12. They are precious and I'm glad you're settling into a routine! Sending love for your sweet Peyton who will never be forgotten!

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  13. (hug) It doesn't matter how young or how old your child is...when things go wrong, your heart is forever changed. I'm so pleased your little ones are here with you..and so sorry that Peyton isn't there to tease them and love them. You are, as always, giving me strength...as I walk the PAL journey, and miss my twins so deeply, I am stung by comments that indicate that this pregnancy somehow makes loss "worth it"...I really can't understand that. It's as if someone walked up to a person who had a loving husband that died and said "Oh, but now you'll find a new spouse and it will all be worth it." sigh. As if loss is ever worth it. You have your twins..and lost your daughter. I lost my twins, and have a daughter on the way. We are sisters in a looking glass. Thinking of you daily.
    Love...

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  14. Such beautiful words. I'm glad you are feeling a bit more able to breathe now.

    Of course no child can replace another, no one should expect it of any parent with a new child after one has passed but I know they do.

    Your love for Peyton will never die.

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  15. So glad to hear from you. :) And your words are so very true... So very true...

    It warms my heart to know that things are going well with you guys. I remember the early days of twins... The sleepless night, the feedings, the staring endlessly into their eyes. It's a lovely, albeit sometimes tiring when you are sooo tired, time that fades all too soon. These days, I love when they want to snuggle for just a few more minutes and look into my eyes. Today, Maya (who normally is the queen of naps) wanted some snuggles beforehand and she stared up into my eyes, then her eyes got wide and she jerked up and said "I LOVE YOU!" I smiled and kissed her and said "I know; I love you too." to which she responded "I do! I do!" Then closed her eyes and went to sleep. Cutest thing ever. I cant help but wonder if her older siblings would have had that voice... Or that look... But I know, deep down in my heart, that they speak to me too. Just as Peyton speaks to you. :)

    Much love, Mama!

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  16. I am so glad the snowflakes are thriving and keeping you busy! Hopefully soon, their routine will make room for some rest time for you! I too feel I will forever be saddened for what Trey will never be able to do. Not quite sure how to reconcile that. I will be thinking and about you and praying for you! Peyton is looking down from her cloud pleased as punch, a proud big sis! Take care of you!

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  17. I am glad your you and your littles are settling in. I don't know what you are going thru but i pray that God gives you comfort and peace.

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  18. Such a beautiful post about the new and the old. {{{Hugs}}}

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  19. Your little ones are beautiful. Congratulations.

    That bittersweet feeling never goes away. It's seven and a half years since we buried our daughter and this is our reality of parenting after loss. Every moment of joy that her subsequent siblings bring us is also tinged with sadness and regret for all that their sister will never experience.

    The night before my living daughter started Year 1 at school, I was silently weeping in bed, thinking of how I'd have given anything to see her sister in a school uniform.

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  20. So good to get this update. I know how overwhelming it was with one, so I can only imagine what it is like with two. I know you'll be doing beautifully.
    I think they both look a bit like Peyton, in their own special ways.
    xo

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  21. Oh Kristin...just sending you love. I'm too choked up to do much else...xoxoxoxo

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  22. They are gorgeous!! You can always make me cry (which is actually a compliment showing that you have the ability to really convey feeling in your writing).

    I'm happy and sad for you all at the same time. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch the babies live longer than Peyton. I do fully believe that she brought you these two babies to love and mother for a liftetime. Those wise little eyes knew it all along.

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  23. The snowflakes are beautiful!! For me, bittersweet has become one of those bullet points under 'new normal.' It brings with it its own sense of comfort, but also its own sense of guilt. Guilt in enjoying and looking forward to all of Jenna's milestones, but knowing that Gracie will never reach any of them. Guilt in the tears that sometimes fall on the top of Jenna's head when we cuddle in the rocker at bed time... Hoping that you continue to find routine with the snowflakes and that your heart can find some peace...

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  24. You put it so well into written words. Looking forward to meeting them.

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  25. I can relate to this post so much Kristin. It is so bittersweet. Wonderful but bittersweet. So glad you are getting your strength back. Sending much love and kisses for your beautiful babes.
    xxx Always remembering your sweet Peyton.

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  26. Such a beautiful post... wonderful to hear that your gorgeous twins are doing so well but must be so hard without Peyton to share it all with you. You're an amazing mum to them all xoxo

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  27. Beautiful words. I remember taking Toby to Emma's place - it was vital to me that his first trip out was to "meet" his sister. It just summed up what life is like with a rainbow(s) - so wonderful and yet so sad too.

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