Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Introducing... My Little Snowflakes

On Wednesday March 2nd, at around 7 pm, my water broke all over the kitchen floor. I was near the phone and called hubs who was at the store to tell him it was time to come home. I knew I would need an ultrasound to see if the babies were head down if I wanted to attempt VBAC, and had been instructed not to wait too long to come in, in case this was not possible. By the time hubs came home, my contractions were about 4 minutes apart. I hopped into the shower to clean up, we grabbed our bag, and headed the forty five minutes or so to the hospital.

When I got to the hospital my water broke again (I am guessing baby B's bag) and my contractions had really increased in intensity. They were quite painful and timing only about 2 minutes apart. It took a while to be seen at the hospital because multiple women had gone into labor at the same time, but once they hooked me up to the monitors, and the ultrasound, it was discovered that baby A was head down, but not engaged in my pelvis, and baby B was still transverse so we knew at that moment that what little chance I had had for a VBAC was no longer on the table.

I explained to the docs about how I felt I had "missed" Peyton's birth, and wanted to be sure that I was "present" for this birth. They promised me that I would be. They took some info, and asked when I last ate. I told them my last meal had been at lunch, but at dinner time I had had a glass of juice and a few handfuls of popcorn. The doctors started insisting that I couldn't have a regular c-section because I might aspirate my "meal" into my lungs. I reiterated that I hadn't had a "meal," I had had a glass of juice and a little popcorn. They started discussing a sedated c-section with us, where I would be under general anesthesia. I told them no, that I wanted to be awake for the birth, but it was quickly becoming apparent that there was no room for bargaining on this.

The worst part of this was the news that even my husband would not be in the room when the babies were born. I would have to be on my own in surgery, and he would have to wait in a separate room. I started to cry. I had "missed" Peyton's birth, and so needed to experience something beautiful in the birth of these little snowflakes for my own healing. I was completely crushed by the news that once again, I would not be "present" to see my little ones into the world.

My contractions were now less than a minute apart and the doctors started telling me they were concerned about chord prolapse (where the chord comes out of the birth canal before the baby.) They told me my situation was now an emergency. All of this happened within one and a half hours of my going into labor. They gave me some papers to sign, and wheeled me away from hubs and into the cold operating room.

I was in a great deal of pain at this point. Nurses began scrubbing my belly, and inserting my catheter etc. without any pain meds which made the situation feel worse. I was strapped down to a table and began to panic. I was panicking that the babies would not be healthy. I was panicking that the anesthesia would not work well enough and I would feel the incisions. Mostly I was just panicking because I was scared, and alone, and in a lot of pain, and people were talking around and about me, moving like ants in an ant farm, but no one was talking to me. I told them I couldn't breathe (they had me on my back) and they assisted me with oxygen. The doctor reached out and grabbed my hand, giving it a good squeeze. I appreciated that human contact, but wished more than anything to have my husband at my side. 

After what felt like several minutes - I was out.

When I came to I was crying, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe," but distant voices were assuring me that I could. The weight on my chest was immense and I could feel the flap in the back of my throat closing. "I can't breathe," I cried again. "Please."

I don't know if they could even hear me, or what, but the sense of desperation I felt at the time was immense.

My eyes were still closed/foggy, and they asked if I wanted my babies. I think I said, "no." I don't remember all of what happened here, but Hubs later told me that I just kept asking over and over if the babies had cancer. I kept asking if they were going to die, or if they were already dead. I don't remember this too clearly, because of being so drugged, but I guess my questions were just too upsetting for some because he also later told me that the scene had been too much for the doctor, and she started to cry. 

The truth of the matter is that I went into the surgery scared, and I came out of it scared, and there was no editing that fear when coming to from sedation.

At some point the babies were placed at my breast. I saw Baby B - our girl, first. She was a tiny little thing and she looked up at me and I said, "Hello H." We had gone to the hospital expecting to name her Vivienne of Fiona, but she just looked very H to me, so HJ she was.

I turned to see Baby A - our boy - at my left breast. I was shocked at his appearance. He looks just like Peyton.  Same eyes (though not the same look in them), same nose. He and Peyton would pass closer for twins than he and H just based on their looks at this point.

No name felt "right" when looking at him, so I told Hubs I wanted to wait until I was not in a drugged fog to think on his name. We had gone to the hospital expecting to name him either Simon Rhys or Felix Asher. Two days later, we decided he was more of a K, so we named him KA instead.

I have always felt guilty for giving Peyton a name that meant "little warrior" like it assigned her the battle she was forced to fight or something, so it was important to me that the names we chose for the snowflakes have some sort of blessings to them. For H it comes with her middle name - J - which means "gift from God" or "God is gracious." For our little K, his middle name A means "fortunate, blessed and happy."

I would lie if I said that missing their birth doesn't still hurt me. I know in the bigger picture, them being here healthy is all that matters, but there are some wounds that were meant to heal with their birth that just haven't. Birthing Peyton was a traumatic experience. Birthing these snowflakes, too, was a traumatic experience. Birth should be a moment of joy, not trauma, and I continue to feel robbed by this. 

Anyway, our little ones have been keeping us very busy this last week and a half. My anemia issues still have me quite slowed down, but that situation is slowly improving and I am hoping that with time I will get some strength back. For those who asked, yes the immense blood loss was due to the subchorionic hemorrhages. 

Hubs was told that when they were taking K out, I lost a tremendous amount of blood due the clot around him. That was the second one discovered, the one we were never able to get a real measurement on. Thank God it never affected his placenta being as big and bothersome as it must have been to cause so much bleeding.

I asked Hubs what he had experienced with their birth and he said basically he was walked to a waiting room. When he passed the operating room, a woman walked beside him holding up a sheet so he couldn't see me. Eventually someone rolled in two babies. No one told him they were his babies. He said all of a sudden it dawned on him to ask, "hey, are these my babies?" Not really how he had pictured their birth either I am sure.

So there you have it... our birth story.

Now onto the happy stuff... without further ado - I give you our little Snowflakes...



Here is Baby A- KA


And Baby B - HJ


They love hanging out together 
(H inches as close as she can to her bro-bro when they sleep)
K is on the left, H on the right


Mommy and H


Mommy and K
(don't mind my super pale-ness)


Milk Drunk Babies

H


K


66 comments:

  1. Hadleigh looks just like you!!! Congratulations :)

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  2. What beautiful babies! Congratulations to all of you. I am sorry your birth experience was not as wished for- it does sound traumatic. May you heal quickly and enjoy those sweet snowflakes! Beautiful names too :)

    Linda J.

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  3. They are beautiful--congratulations! And may you continue to heal from your losses and disappointments.

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  4. Beautiful gorgeous, adorable. Enjoy every second. Hadleigh looks just like her mama. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING WITH US.

    I feel so much for you and hubs. It must have been so scary and lonesome in the OR. I cannot believe the medical staff did not think about the emotional effects. Words cannot express my sadness, frustration and pain.

    Here's a prayer for emotional and physical healing.

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  5. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry this wasnt the birth you had hoped for... I can totally sympathize with that. Realizing I wont have "another" birth to have those dreams for is a tough thing to come to terms with too... But, eventually, I know we will make peace with our respective situations. Even though it is hard and sucks and downright isnt fair.

    But the babes... Oh how beautiful. Congratulations; they are simply lovely. I am so happy for you.

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  6. I'm so sorry your birth experience wasn't a good one. How could they expect anything but utter panic from you when you couldn't be there to see them born, nor your husband! I'm sorry that happened, truly heartbroken for you, BUT

    Those are some seriously cute babies!!! I adore their names and Hadleigh does look just like you! Congratulations and may all the memories from here on out be happy ones!!! Continuing to pray for all of you as you adjust and regain your strength! (I've so been waiting to see these, made my day!!). I'm teary-eyed with excitement!

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  7. Congratulations!! They are both absolutely beautiful.

    I'll be praying for you -- for healing and a balm for your heart.

    Snuggle those two cuties. :)

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  8. Your babies are beautiful. Congratulations I hope you are feeling better quickly.

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  9. oh i am so happy that they are here and healthy!! i am soooo sorry that you were unable to at least have the c-section awake. That is so upsetting! I am glad you are doing better and feeling better!! all of my prayers have been answered!

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  10. I'm soooooooo happy for you!! Congrats on the beautiful babies. I've been reading your posts on Google Reader even though I haven't been commenting and I'm so glad that everything turned out so well despite all the obstacles during your pregnancy. It seems that God has a strange sense of humour!!
    Yayyyyyyyy!!! I wish I could give you a big hug right now!! May the sun always shine brightly on you from here.

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  11. I am so glad that you have a happy, wonderful ending! Congrats on those two beautiful snowflakes. I have been lurking for awhile now, but couldn't muster up the courage to say anything, because I've never had to deal with what you've been through. You are a strong woman, and a wonderful mother. Congrats on your happy ending! :-)

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  12. They are beautiful, congratulations!

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  13. I am so sorry that the birthing experience did not heal. But, those wonderful babies--oh, they are so loved and so beautiful. Congratulations!

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  14. As I read your story, I thought "Really?! Can this woman get a break?"

    I am so glad thhat everyone is doing well. I really love the names and their meanings. Hugs and kisses to all.

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  15. Thank you for sharing your birth story! I am so so so glad they are healthy and thriving. You are a VERY strong woman to go through such traumatic births twice. May God continue to bless your husband, you, and your snowflakes! They are beautiful! Peyton is one PROUD big Sis right now! Take care and keep us posted! HUGS! Sharon

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  16. I'm sorry that you entered and exited surgery scared...it shouldn't have been like that and I hate it for you. But I'm glad that you are able to push through that and that however they came to be, as you said--the bigger picture shows them sweet, happy and healthy. I am just so thrilled for you and they are just beautiful!
    xoxo

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  17. How Adorable! So glad that they arrived safe and sound! Sorry the you were not able to have a better birth experiance....but they are here and healthy....that is all that matters.....God Bless....and Best Wishes....

    Kelly

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  18. Congratulations! They are beautiful. I'm so happy they are here safely and hope you heal and get back to full strength quickly. I'm so sorry you didn't get the healing birth experience you wanted.

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  19. Gorgeous... congratulations :)) Most important thing is that they arrived safely and that you're OK :) They look so peaceful and happy... and such lovely names xoxo

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  20. Oh how beautiful they both are, congratulations!! I'm so sorry bringing them into this world was not as happy as it should have been, I guess you'll just have to make up for it with a lifetime of happiness from here on out.
    When I was pregnant I was so scared my water would break at the grocery store, just wooshing out everywhere, until I read that doesn't really happen, it's more like a leak. Apparently they lied huh? I would never have gone out those last couple of weeks had I known. :)

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  21. Congratulations! I am so happy for you and your family!

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  22. I'm sorry the births didn't go as you had hoped but your babies are beautiful. Congratulations. Recover well.

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  23. So glad everyone is safe. The babies are beautiful! Take it easy, eat liver--bleah--and recover well.

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  24. Oh my word. I am overcome with emotion reading this. Emotion I didn't expect. They are precious and beautiful...I feel so much with and for you. Some grief over yet another different outcome as far as the birth not going the way you envisioned and an ache of a mother who gets it as you questioned whether your babies had cancer or had died. Sometimes anesthesia seems like truth serum...and naked fear just oozes out. And, there's also relief and rejoicing that your beautiful babes are here, filling your arms, your days, your minutes, your life.

    Knowing that the missing for Peyton remains even in the rejoicing...and the sacred dance of grief and joy continue on.

    Much love and continued prayers for you as you soak in all in and dance this dance....

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  25. Thanks for sharing Kristen. I'm sorry that it's been such a rough time for you. I'm very glad that your snowflakes are here with you, but I know that those hours of their arrival were far from what they're cracked up to be.
    I read your post... or should I say I had to "breathe through" your post, in tears. I react the same as you did - the feeling of not being able to breathe is horrid. I'm a panicker, so reading your words I felt some of how you felt too. And the feeling of everyone around you, just doing their thing, and not listening - or those that hear you simply telling you that you CAN breathe. Oh yeah, helpful! Not when you're spiralling I'm afraid :(
    And the panic coming out of the GA? The questions about your babies? All very similar to my own reaction to my first IVF egg pick up where they used a general anaesthetic.

    Hugs to you, and I hope it's just all "up" for you guys from here on in.

    Always remembering Peyton.. x

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  26. Typing through tears, many many tears of joy for you but tears too because my daughter, the one who passed away as an infant, the one who has brought me here to read your words and follow your story over and over again, was Hadley Jane. I could not be more happy that her name lives on in such a beautiful family. Our rainbow baby, if he had been a girl, was going to be Payton. Amazing how paths cross this way sometimes.

    I wish you so much joy with your beautiful babies.

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  27. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful family with us. What great pictures. You are so blessed, two beautiful and Healthy babies. You must be so thrilled that they are here and in your loving arms. God Is So Good.
    Hoping and praying that you feel so much better and soon. Gotta get well rested and take those cuties out for a walk and show the whole world your amazing snowflakes. Love and Peace Leah's Nana

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  28. So happy the snowflakes are finally safe and sound in your arms!! Rejoicing for the happiness on the road ahead, continued prayers for your physical and emotional healing and comfort and peace for memories of Peyton.

    Beautiful babies...all three!

    Congratulations!!!

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  29. I just LOVE them! Sorry the birth was not as you expected. I know you must have been so scared. I am thrilled that your snowflakes are here. I cannot wait to get Carly and your babes together this summer. They will love each other :)

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  30. kristin, i'm so sorry. their birth sounds terribly traumatic and like the doctors did not consider your emotional well-being to be one of the important factors. especially given your history, you should have had more of a voice. at the very least, your husband should have been allowed in the room. i'm so sorry that, in addition to all the complicated feelings that come with parenting after loss, you are left with even more unpleasant memories.

    with all that said, your babies are beautiful. you worked so hard to bring them here whole and healthy, and you succeeded!! wishing you some rest for your body and your heart. xoxo

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  31. Sorry that you didn't get to have the birth experience that you wanted. ((HUGS)) They are perfect, they are beautiful and adorable. What a blessing you have been given. Enjoy!

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  32. They are gorgeous. I'm crying tears of joy for the arrival of those little babies. I'm sure sweet Peyton is smiling proudly in heaven at what she was able to help orchestrate.

    I hope you feel better soon!!!!

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  33. They are so beautiful, Kristin! Congrats! I, with so many others, have prayed over your sweet family for years and I thank you for sharing your journey. The babies are beautiful and I know that it has to be so surreal finally having them home. Enjoy these precious new-baby-smell days!

    Love, Blessings, and Prayers,
    Erin

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  34. they are just wonderful! so sorry you still have no good memories to associate with birth. so glad that the snowflakes are here and i hope they continue to bring you much joy! congratulations!

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  35. Beautiful, beautiful babies! My rainbow's birth expeience was also tramatic (31 week preemie, 5 week hospital stay)..so I feel you there. You did so wonderful! Congragulations!beautif

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  36. Oh my goodness, THEY ARE ADORABLE! :D :D :D

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  37. Beautiful beautiful babies. Congratulations.

    Denise, WI

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  38. I am SO sorry you didn't get the positive birth experience you wanted. With my first- I had to be put under general and the fogginess was terrible. I barely remember holding my son.

    Your babies are SO adorable, and I find it so cute that Hadleigh wants to be next to her brother all the time. Must from being so close to him in the womb. I doubt it will stop as they get older, I'm sure she will be his shadow.

    xo

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  39. I know it wasn't the birth you'd hoped for but I am so happy to see you finally holding your snowflakes!

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  40. They are beautiful!!! Congratulations again and again and wishing you much joy. I am quite well read in obstetrics practices and I'm just appalled at the doctors letting you go into labour before doing the c-section. Not only was it not what you wanted, it was an unnecessary risk, especially given that you live quite a long drive from the hospital. I'm sorry you had to go through that but very pleased about the happy and healthy outcome!

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  41. Hi again!! You're such a great inspiration, I had to introduce you a fellow blogger who would surely benefit from your wonderful blog. Please visit Lili of http://www.worththewaitmom.com/2011/03/hard-to-write-this.html#comment-form and inspire her with your indomitable spirit and incredible strength against all the odds thrown at you throughout your journey to motherhood.

    Hugs and kisses

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  42. they are just two bundles of perfection! Congratulations!

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  43. Wow! They are so beautiful! Congratulations again! I am glad that you are feeling a little better. I am so sorry that your delivery was so dramatic...again. I know deliveries rarely go how we want them to. Enjoy! They grow so fast. :(

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  44. My cup overflows for you. Thanks for sharing their pictures :) They are so cute!

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  45. They are just beautiful Kristin.

    But I so wish their arrival had been beautiful too.

    xxx

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  46. Crying....just can't help it. ((HUG)) Crying. So very very very very very very happy for you dear one....((HUG)) I'm so sorry you were robbed of the birth you wanted. I'm so glad your twins are safe in your arms. So very glad.

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  47. Sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted again. I know you really wanted it but I am so glad that all 3 of you are here safe and healthy. I hope you start to feel better soon so that you can get your energy back. I am so happy for you Kristin, over the moon happy. When I seen all the congrats on FB I started to cry. Such a blessing, such a long road. Through it all you managed to chug along at whatever was thrown at you. You are an amazing woman of strength and courage and I commend you my friend. Your babies are just perfect! Hadleigh really looks like you! Congrats to your hubby too!!! Wishing you guys all the happiness in the world. ((HUGS)) from sunny CA.

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  48. Congratulations! They are beautiful. So sorry the birth didn't go as desired. But what two precious blessings to add to your family.

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  49. What wonderful little beings you made! They are so lovely and I wish you a lifetime of happiness in being their mom.

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  50. They are beautiful beyond words. You did it...yay. I am so very happy for you all.

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  51. They are just lovely. I so so love the look on your face in that photo, real happiness in your eyes xxx

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  52. Congratulations!! What wonderful blessings. I also wanted to thank you for the sweet words on my blog. I know we experienced a similar situation with loss and connecting with others really helps. I am new to this. I am following your blog now and would love if you would do the same and if you would add me to your "others on loss and infertility journey". Thanks and I'm really happy for you! Lili www.worththewaitmom.com

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  53. Kristin I am so so sorry you had such a traumatic experience bringing them into this world. How awful. Makes me so mad on your behalf. ("Aspirate into your lungs?" Wtf?) I can relate to so much of it because it's like my first birth experience. I had that breathing problem as well. I was terrified. They didn't knock me out but I was so out of it and scared I most certainly wasn't "present". I was pretty sure I was leaving actually.

    Are you sleeping okay (ha you say, I have twins idiot)? I remember suffering pts after Caelan's birth, I had some pretty horrific nightmares. I am hoping that you haven't been affected by these but considering what you went through I wouldn't be surprised.

    They are so beautiful! I'm just so sorry you didn't get to have that positive birh experience with them. :(

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  54. They are so beautiful! I'm sorry that the birth experience was traumatic. I know that is no fun. But I hope that you are recovering well and enjoying your little new ones. I love the meaning behind their names. Lovely. :)

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  55. They are so beautiful! Congrats again! I am so happy for you.

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  56. I live with a degree of birth trauma/disappointment alongside the far weightier grief over Emma, so I can sympathise with your struggles over the way your precious snowflakes came into the world. That said, I am so delighted and overjoyed that they are in the world. They light it up with their beauty and all round general cuteness.

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  57. Oh my they are just beautiful!!!!!!!

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  58. they are gorgeous and so are you. i admit that i skipped to the bottom to see their pics. LOVE them. and why did i think you were expecting boys? im so glad you have one of each that is a lovely thing.
    their big sister did good by them!
    xoxo
    lis

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  59. I've been following your blog and I am so happy that finally the twins are out and super healthy. They will keep you busy and happy too. Congrats!

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  60. Congratulations on the safe arrival of the twins...I know that it hurts that you were not awake when the two came out, but you will have all the time now to be with the babies.

    When I saw Kellan's pics, I deliberately did not reveal that I thought he looked like Peyton. I was not sure how that statement would have been received. But it's true.

    I read your birth story beginning to end and I am glad it has a positive end.

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  61. I'm sorry you didn't get the birth that you wanted. I'm sure that is such a disappointment. :( I am so glad that they arrived healthy and safe!!

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