Friday, April 1, 2011

When the older sibling grows younger...

Yesterday it happened.
My little snowflakes outlived their big sister.

It's funny, in the blink of an eye that has been their first month with us, they have already done more living than Peyton was afforded, and yet her life felt, somehow, so much longer. She felt so much more present. It's as if she knew that every day for her was numbered, and spent them loading our hearts with love to carry with us beyond her grave.

Maybe it is because my relationship with Peyton has become so different these last few years. Maybe it is because she has, in many ways, become my confidant. I talk to her about everything. On that hill I had what felt to be a thousand conversations about her short life, our life before her, life after her, our hopes/dreams/fears. She was with us only 28 days, but we have talked in our own special way every single day since.

It is a strange feeling, to go from mothering the living, to the dead, to the living and dead. For years I have had one way conversations, pointing out the beauty of the nature around me or just talking on life in general to an emptiness in the back seat. An emptiness that now, though still non responsive verbally, is no longer empty, but filled with two growing, thriving, learning little beings. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe that any of this is real.

It is quite an adjustment to make to go from feeling as if life has passed one by, to once again feeling like a member of the living. These twins bring with them so much excitement about the future, it is an excitement that I thought for a long time would never again be possible for me.

And so I say thank you Peyton. For helping Mommy get through a darkness in these last few years that at times felt endless and unforgiving. Thank you for helping us to keep the faith. Thank you for showing us how beautiful the love between parent and child was, so that we never had any choice but to try again. Thank you for bringing your brother and sister to us safely.

Most of all, thank you for embedding yourself so deeply in my heart that though I have to live without you physically, I am never forced to greet a day without feeling your spirit close to me.

My baby.
My big girl.
I love you.


  1. I'm thrilled to see you so full of hope and joy. The babies will know Peyton just as she already knows them. She will forever feel your love as you will forever feel her love for you.

    I'm ready for more pictures of those babies :)

  2. So sweet... You are one strong mamma!

  3. This is so beautiful, just like Peyton herself. Peyton is with you always in love.


  4. Tears.... This is a beautiful post. No words, just raw emotions....

  5. What a beautiful post. I just want to reach out and ((HUG)) you.
    Peyton, THANK YOU for making your mommy and daddy's wishes come true.

  6. I remember hitting this milestone, looking back on a life already gone and at another that, despite everything, I believe will stretch ahead for a long time. Wishing the snowflakes long, happy lives with you and thinking of Peyton with her short, intense life.

  7. So true... The outliving time is so tough... So very tough...

  8. This post just broke my heart. We love and miss her with you and wish so desperately she was here with you all.

  9. Super sweet! Peyton got her strength and courage from her Mommy and Daddy and for the rest of your lives she will be giving you the strength and courage that you gave to her. HUGS to you and your family!

  10. Such a beautiful post and a lovely tribute to their big sister xoxo

  11. This was a powerful experience for me too. Thankyou Peyton. Thankyou Jordan. Much love to you Kristin and family. xoxoxox

  12. The awesome thing to remember, is that one day when God calls our names, we will be reunited with our loved ones that have gone on before us.Your beautiful baby girl will be there to greet you , what a blessed reunion that will be. John 3:16

  13. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me but I've been crying all morning, starting with in the minivan in the driveway. The cry fest moved into the computer room where I blogged for awhile, and after reading your post I'm sobbing harder.

    and "fix you" just came on. oh, dear.

    I share your sentiment, friend. I keep expecting to feel this happy, joyful, without-sadness feeling about this pregnancy, and I feel so guilty about my "lingering" feelings of sadness and guilt over the past. And I get SO FRUSTRATED when no one seems to get that my heart has been ripped and ripped and ripped and it's only other loss mamas who get it. Who get me.

    I get you.

    Thank you for this post.

    Seriously cannot stop crying.

    I know she sees this.

  14. I know what you mean by "the outliving age!" I remember when living daughter passed the age of 4, which was Savannah's age when she died....

    I felt sad about that, also scared as I should've been a mum of an older child and know what to expect in the future.

    I'm glad you find peace as I do in speaking with your angel does help to bring comfort.

    Thank you for your blog.....all of your babe's are beautiful!
    Diana x

  15. She is a great big sister!!!

    I awarded you the Stylish Blogger Award. Click on this link to claim it!
    Thanks LeAnn

  16. Really, I need to just not check on you withOUT tissues!!!!! You always just write the most beautiful things.

    And are SO right...about these sweet babies of ours showing us that the love a parent has for her child is so amazing and intense, there's really no choice but to try again and have a child (or children!) to raise on this earth also...that taste of love is so sweet and pure and special--to live life without more of it would just be so heavy a burden to bear.

    Which makes me even more grateful for all of our children...the ones who showed us how precious the love is and the ones we now get to share that love with until we are all together again.

  17. You are an amazing mother of three. You're doing an amazing job at keeping her memory alive. She will forever be a part of your family. Hugs.

  18. It is true. Whether we say it or we don't, our child even though depart remains on our mind all the time, in our lives all the time...those footsteps loyally follow us all through...

  19. Hi Kristin,
    I understand this post all too well. Our daughters get all mixed up about wether they are older or younger than their sisters. Lydia insists she remembers Rachel, even though she was born after her. It's just another painful part of this awful grief journey.
    I am so happy for you that your twins are healthy and doing so well. I prayed for you throughout your pregnancy! Which is why I wonder why you thank Peyton for giving you strength and sending healthy siblings. Of course I'm sure she had a part in it, but I wonder why you don't also thank God? I remember you asked us readers often to pray to the Universe/Fate/God/Whatever to help you get through everything. But you have only thanked Peyton....but I like to think God had something to do with it, too! Did this all strengthen your faith in God or not really? I'm just curious b/c I am in the same situation... struggling with faith and trust as I pray for the health for the baby I'm carrying.