Yesterday it happened.
My little snowflakes outlived their big sister.
It's funny, in the blink of an eye that has been their first month with us, they have already done more living than Peyton was afforded, and yet her life felt, somehow, so much longer. She felt so much more present. It's as if she knew that every day for her was numbered, and spent them loading our hearts with love to carry with us beyond her grave.
Maybe it is because my relationship with Peyton has become so different these last few years. Maybe it is because she has, in many ways, become my confidant. I talk to her about everything. On that hill I had what felt to be a thousand conversations about her short life, our life before her, life after her, our hopes/dreams/fears. She was with us only 28 days, but we have talked in our own special way every single day since.
It is a strange feeling, to go from mothering the living, to the dead, to the living and dead. For years I have had one way conversations, pointing out the beauty of the nature around me or just talking on life in general to an emptiness in the back seat. An emptiness that now, though still non responsive verbally, is no longer empty, but filled with two growing, thriving, learning little beings. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe that any of this is real.
It is quite an adjustment to make to go from feeling as if life has passed one by, to once again feeling like a member of the living. These twins bring with them so much excitement about the future, it is an excitement that I thought for a long time would never again be possible for me.
And so I say thank you Peyton. For helping Mommy get through a darkness in these last few years that at times felt endless and unforgiving. Thank you for helping us to keep the faith. Thank you for showing us how beautiful the love between parent and child was, so that we never had any choice but to try again. Thank you for bringing your brother and sister to us safely.
Most of all, thank you for embedding yourself so deeply in my heart that though I have to live without you physically, I am never forced to greet a day without feeling your spirit close to me.
My big girl.
I love you.