Some Ups. Some Downs. Some Really Cute Pics.

The snowflakes will be six weeks old tomorrow. It is so crazy how quickly they are growing. K is now a whopping ten pound bruiser, and H is holding her own coming in around seven pounds.

Our days are spent cuddling, getting to know each other, looking for some sort of "routine", and eating - eating - eating!

K's latest milestones are putting weight on his legs, looking into our eyes, grasping my necklaces and hair, and smiling. H is starting to look into our eyes. She is a bit behind him only because of her small size. The pediatrician says she is actually working harder than he is, putting all of her energy into gaining weight, so she does more of an eat sleep eat sleep cycle, whereas K spends more time in the day being awake and taking in his surroundings. They have recently started crying in stereo -  as in one cries, the other joins in - and it can get a little loud at times, but for the most part it means they are hungry, so we all get together with a bunch of pillows, and they get latched, and things quiet down quickly.

They both do tummy time, but H is not quite as big a fan of it as K is. K over the last week also started to be colicky, so we are hoping that this phase of discomfort between 7pm and midnight each day passes quickly for him. It is sad to see him so uncomfortable, though the rest of the day he is quite a happy boy.

Both babies are losing their hair in the funniest male pattern baldness style, no hair left on top, just on the sides. I always thought babies lost their hair on the back and sides first, but not my little ones. Our theory on this is that all the close cuddles under daddy's bearded chin has rubbed the hair away.

This last month and a half has also proved a little challenging.

I am ashamed to admit how much difficulty physically AND emotionally has come with the demands of exclusively breastfeeding twins. Of all the challenges of parenthood, I never could have anticipated that breastfeeding would be the greatest. I LOVED breastfeeding Peyton. It offered beautiful bonding moments between us, calm among the chaos of the hospital. With Peyton there was a lot of time spent just watching her hold my finger, or doing skin to skin time and listening to her breathe.

Nursing the twins is altogether different. I primarily tandem breastfeed them (both at once), so there are no free hands for finger holding, and most of my attention is focused on keeping them latched and balanced. It can be quite draining at times (read 5-6-7-8 hour cluster feeds) and feel like a marathon.

The reason I say I feel ashamed to admit how difficult it has been for me is because it feels like I am admitting failure. This privilege of parenthood is one that I have waited and wanted and prayed for. Just to have the opportunity at the sleepless nights, and the diaper changes, and the marathon breast feeds is a gift, and after losing a child, finding myself complaining at all feels contrite. I no longer feel entitled to it.

But then there is the human part of me. The part that feels the exhaustion set in after spending hours on end hunched over two feeding babies, or nursing sore nipples because K likes to clamp down and turn his head really fast, and those are the days where breastfeeding wears on me.

At three weeks or so in, I was sure that I was going to throw the towel in on breastfeeding altogether. I was so exhausted and just done to the point that it was depressing me, but things have (thankfully!) gotten so much better in that department and I now have no intentions of giving up. At six weeks it is still a challenge, but one that I am getting a firmer grasp on. I feel the skies lifting and I am grateful for it. I keep telling myself, "maybe I actually CAN do this."

To be honest, I had contemplated not mentioning any of this in this post, because of how vulnerable it makes me feel to complain. For some reason as a BLM I feel judged differently. I feel like I have to qualify each new parent issue or challenge that I run into with "but I am just so happy they are here and healthy," (which OBVIOUSLY I am) whereas non BLM's don't. They can say, "this is tough," and it is taken at face value. I feel like saying that breastfeeding is very challenging for me makes me sound like an ingrate.

Do any of you other rainbow mommas or rainbow mommas to be out there feel that your parenting chops are judged by a different standard, either by yourself or others, because of the fact that you had suffered a loss?

Anyway, that's what's been going on here. To those who actually read through this post, I am proud of you for your willpower when I know what you really came here to do was to see some cute babies... so... without further ado...

 K After Bath Time

 K and Mommy Snuggle Time

 H and K Celebrating Their First St. Patty's Day

K Donning His Yoda Hat

H Showing Off Her Princess Leia Hat

K

H  

 Twin Snuggle Time!

 Big Blue Eyes

Nap Time!