I don't really know who is reading this blog, but I figure that those who do come here are probably on their own journey through loss (child loss, infant loss, miscarriage, infertility, loss of loved one etc etc). In an effort to find comfort in knowing that I/you/we are not alone in our feelings when the wrong words are said, I have decided to start a comments post on this topic. We will see how it goes, and maybe do this on other topics in the future.
I have written a few times about platitudes (everything happens for a reason etc) and other hurtful comments and just simply stupid things that people have said to me since Peyton died. Sometimes people say things and you smile politely knowing that they couldn't possibly have meant to hurt you with their words, other times they send you through the roof with their callous stupidity. This post is intended to offer you the opportunity to respond the way you wish you had at the time.
Here is how this will work.
Click the Comments below this post.
Choose to Comment Anonymously if you like.
Vent
Here I will go first:
To the person that wrote to me asking what I had done to give my daughter cancer so that they could make sure not to do the same in their own pregnancy... how dare you! Are you really that stupid? I will tell you what I did. I ate organic foods. I exercised five days a week until my ninth month. I was a fanatic about prenatal care. Can you, with your pointed finger and stupid questions say that you did the same? And yet, you were blessed with healthy children. Are you really so self centered that you didn't know that this question would linger in my mind? Do you not think that I have spent every second of every day scrutinizing why and how this could happen to Peyton, to us? You, with little effort, have beautiful healthy children. Maybe you should be spending less time slinging blame and accusations at me, and more time thanking whatever God you pray to for your good fortune.
To the man who insists on telling me every time he sees me that I am much luckier than him because I already have a guardian angel in heaven, please shut up. You are the lucky one. You have two children who are alive, who bless your life with their presence, who you can see and touch and talk to. I mother my child's memory.
ReplyDeleteTo the people that keep telling me how lucky my children are because they are heaven and that they are jealous of them...give me a freaking break! yes, i rest in knowing my babies are with jesus but dont patronize me by saying you're actually jealous of them....seriously.
ReplyDeleteThat drives me crazy too! Why would someone who gets to live their own full life here before going to be with Jesus say they are jealous of those who never got a chance at life. People say such stupid things.
ReplyDeleteI have not lost a child, but I would just like to say a big "AMEN" to your post as well as other's comments! I am so truly sorry that people say such hurtful and careless things to you strong, brave, inspirational women. Please know that I am truly honored to read your insightful and inspiring words, ladies.
ReplyDeleteOnly an individual with a tiny bubble for a brain can muster up the notion of blaming anyone for another's illness.
ReplyDeleteMan, Krissy. I think that I would have struggled a great deal to keep myself from responding with something along the lines of "gee, we weren't frequently exposed to morons like you. So it couldn't have been that..."
To the mmother of twins who told me I was better off without children, how could you, a mother, say such a thing even as I was bleeding out my tiny tiny baby, the only hope I had known in five years.Your children are beautiful, I can't believe you could say such a terrible thing, not only to me, but about them. Love them, please, love them. I may not get that chance.
ReplyDeleteit seems so unfair how someone who is so blessed can so take it for granted, like motherhood is such a burden. it will never make sense to me, at least not in this lifetime, the injustice in it all.
ReplyDeleteOver the years I have had many hurtful things said to me (after my daughter passed away) and have heard other mother's tell me similar stories. The only comfort I have in all this is that I am so much better of a person for having had my daughter for the brief time I did, and that my views on life are so much fuller. I don't get angry anymore at people's narrow minded, ignorant comments. They are simply not worth evoking any emotion from me, for those are the types of people who will never understand grace, compassion and the value of human life. Still, I vividly recall a raw, deeply painful (and long) time after Emma left that I desperately wanted a shirt which said "My daughter died, keep your comments to yourself, a**wipe." sorry for the crudeness...
ReplyDeletei would be the first to wear the shirt! sometimes the lack of tact and understanding can be overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteto the 'friend' that revealed to me she was 8 weeks along in her pregnancy immediately after i revealed my son's autopsy results. are you that cruel? have you no tact?
ReplyDeleteTo the person who decided to approach me in church the 2 weeks after I lost my nephew to preclampsia and say outloud..Just because your sister-in-law had a miscarriage doesnt mean you and your husband cant keep trying....how dare you.I may not have been the one that had a stillbirth, but I already loved my nephew more than words can express, and I lost a piece of me when he died. I was stricken with pain and heartache and you proclaim that his death shouldnt effect me...how dare you!!
ReplyDeleteTo the people that say these things: Shame on you. If you must say something, say things along the line of "I'm sorry for your loss." Not, "You're better off without children." That's just insensitive and awful. If that's too hard for you, then just don't talk.
ReplyDeleteTo everyone who just says 'gosh I just can't imagine what youre going through' what bull. try. you're pregnant. let yourself think about it for one second. there you go. well done. that's call empathy. All your words do is further intensify our loneliness. npw just shut up and put the kettle on and just sit with us.
ReplyDeleteoh I nearly forgot the words from my MIL moments after we got the bad news of MMC. 'You never felt attached to this baby did you (name)?' WHAT?!!! Words that echoed in my head since that day and again after my 2nd MC. Thanks. Just because you choose not to grieve your baby does not mean that we won't.
exhale.>