Losing You

I am losing you.

All over again I am losing you.

How did it feel to carry you in my belly?

I try so hard to picture you there,

my hand reaches up to remember

but finds nothing in the soft emptiness

except the crooked scar from your birth.

I am losing you.

How did it feel to rock you in my arms?

They still cry out in pain for you,

but can no longer recall

that feeling of sweet fulfillment?

I am losing you.

How did it feel to hold you close to my chest?

I close my eyes,

offer the same tap-tap, tap-tap against it as I had to your back,

but it's not the same.

I am losing you.

I am trying to remember through the anger and the grief,

to hold on to what was good.

But, I am losing you.

To the memories of

the diagnosis,

the tears,

the fear and the hopelessness,

watching you take that last breath.

To all that I wish could be forgotten

I feel myself losing you all over again.

~Kristin Binder