Thursday, July 30, 2009

Losing You

I am losing you.
All over again I am losing you.
How did it feel to carry you in my belly?
I try so hard to picture you there,
my hand reaches up to remember
but finds nothing in the soft emptiness
except the crooked scar from your birth.
I am losing you.
How did it feel to rock you in my arms?
They still cry out in pain for you,
but can no longer recall
that feeling of sweet fulfillment?
I am losing you.
How did it feel to hold you close to my chest?
I close my eyes,
offer the same tap-tap, tap-tap against it as I had to your back,
but it's not the same.
I am losing you.
I am trying to remember through the anger and the grief,
to hold on to what was good.
But, I am losing you.
To the memories of
the diagnosis,
the tears,
the fear and the hopelessness,
watching you take that last breath.
To all that I wish could be forgotten
I feel myself losing you all over again.
~Kristin Binder


  1. Oh my god, another entry I could've written myself. Datail by detail, I feel your pain. I had a c-section too, and feel so incredibly sad when I reach down and feel my scar and think that the baby who came out of there is gone. All those traumatic memories haunt me too. A parent isn't supposed to watch her baby die, there is no more helpless feeling in the world.
    I love your poems. They really touch my heart. It's like you've put into words what I've been trying to. Many, many hugs. You're in my thoughts.

  2. lost for words,
    our experiences share so many similarities. when i first read your blog I felt the same way. thank you for the thoughts and the hugs please know that you and your little freja have been on my mind as well.

  3. I have tears for you.. know you have a friend in prayer!


  4. Like Tami, you have a friend in us to walk with you through our prayers.

  5. I visited your blog after you kind comment.

    I don't know you but I wish I could give you a big hug. Your picture with your beautiful darling daughter took my breath away. She is so lovely and there is so much thoughtful wisdom behind those eyes as she regards her mother.

    My eyes well with tears for your loss.

  6. One more thing, your header says "Who am I to be called?"

    A mother. You are a mother. You will always be her mother.

  7. Interestingly, I could see some of this as part of a song that could apply to loss.


  8. What a beautiful post. (((HUGS))) Having lost a baby girl last year, who didn't live long and was delivered via c-section, I can relate to so much of what you wrote.

    Though I have been following your blog for awhile now, I am here today in honor of "Blogger Bingo." Today's category was to find a post that "should be read by all" that was written in June or July of this year. I knew how moved and inspired I have been by many of your posts since I found your blog earlier this summer, so I thought that it wouldn't be hard to find one here that would fit this category...

    I was right and I thank you for a post that I think can be therapeutic for those who have lost a child and help those who haven't to understand, if only just a bit more, what it is like for those of us who have.

  9. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  10. What a beautiful poem. It is a surreal feeling having that phantom baby always there, but never there. I have never made it to a full term baby (and cannot begin to imagine that pain, and am truly sorry that you have) but I find myself still reaching down to pat my belly remembering half a second too late that it's empty.

  11. As Kathy put it, a post that helps those who haven't suffered a loss somewhat understand, though I am sure it is something one can't fully comprehend without being there.
    Beautiful and so sad.

  12. This is such a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Although I can't relate, I can only imagine the pain and grief you have gone through.

    I found your blog through Blogger Bingo, and I'm so glad I did!

  13. My heart ached reading this. I'm so genuinely sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this. Sending my best to you...

  14. Here from Blogger Bingo...

    I hope that you're also finding the days when you remember Peyton more.

  15. I can't imagine what you have gone through. I hope though all your dreams are full of a smiling Peyton and you can hold onto the good moments despite what has been lost.

  16. (here from Bingo as well)

    I can't imagine your unbearable pain with the loss of Peyton - your poem opens my eyes a bit to the void that such a loss creates...