on what should have been,
how my life could have been,~Kristin Binder
as those around us birth healthy children with ease
and bring them home.
In my joy for them
my heart is breaking,
the emptiness in this house stinging me,
as the questions come calling without fail.
How could this happen?
Why did this happen?
How did I end up here?
When will I get my turn to be a mom like the others,
and say the baby kept me up all night,
without referring to nightmares and second guessing?
As children, when something didn't go right
we asked for a second chance, a do-over,
and received one.
Where is my do-over?
I have begged God,
pleaded for one,
but my prayers have fallen on deaf ears.
I want to do so much of it over,
to make different decisions and see if we could have saved her.
I want to know motherhood as a joyful experience,
and shake off the cold of being left outside.
I want to know when my penance
of pain and guilt and sorrow and tears will be paid.
I want to be let in.