Friday, June 29, 2012

So much change, so little time.

Each Friday, Exhale highlights a piece from a former issue on our FB page.

Today it came time to re-run a post I wrote for our Spring 2011 issue entitled, "Sharing My Fears on Grief's Roller Coaster." In that post I talk about what happened when we lost Peyton, and in the year that followed, and why I chose to write about my darkest days here, even when I knew that in doing so I was exposing my own weaknesses and feelings of guilt.

Today I was re-reading my own words, lines written in what feels like another lifetime, and I came across this:

"Twenty eight days later, Peyton’s entire lifetime, with a still empty car seat heckling me from the back of our Ford, my car rolled to the front of the line, the pulley chain was attached, and I began my unsteady journey along the tracks of the roller coaster they call grief. A ride that, up until recently, I wasn’t even sure I had the strength to survive."

I wrote that a year ago. One year. That is all.

I read that post and I think, "was that me? Really? Still so hopeless. Still so unsure that I could find joy again."

I cannot believe how much my outlook has changed, how much I have healed. I cannot  believe how much my pain and love for Peyton has morphed into something beautiful.

Sometimes when you are living life without all of your children here on earth, each day can feel like the one before and the one before that and the one before that. A never ending cycle of Groundhog's Day grief where nothing changes.

But you know what? Even when it doesn't feel that way. Even when (as was the case when I wrote this) a happily-ever-after feels insulting in its impossibility, change is happening.

Sometimes it takes looking back to see how far you have truly come.


  1. Sharing my fears on grief roller coaster, its the best piece of writing I have come across when it comes to grief and the lost of a child. I felt that my feelings, emotion and pain was been described so perfectly, I responded to it as a new passenger. Now it will be 5 months since we lost our baby and life seems to never again be the same but I'm conforted to know that healing does exist in some way. Thanks.

  2. As I round the bend toward four years of missing, I'm struck by how it seems like an eternity and, at the same time, no time at all. And yes, how far I have come since 2008.

  3. "I cannot believe how much my outlook has changed, how much I have healed. I cannot believe how much my pain and love for Peyton has morphed into something beautiful."

    Yes!!!! I can relate so much. Never thought I would reach this point in a million years but I have... xxx

  4. I couldn't agree with you more! It's been three years since Mason died and if you would have told me three years ago that I would experience joy again I don't know that I would have believed it. It's amazing to see how God has worked in my life over the past three years. Its a great reflection of His strength.