Tuesday, November 9, 2010

On Bedrest, Viability, Stresses, and Blessings

This past Sunday marked 22 weeks in my pregnancy. My little snowflakes are mere weeks away from viability now, and though my desire is for them to stay in there as long as they can (preferably 36-37 weeks so that I can deliver them naturally before my scheduled c-section at 38) the knowledge that something could be done for them in the next few weeks, has me mentally counting down the next 12 days until they reach that milestone.

I never did this type of countdown to viability with Peyton. I just assumed with Peyton that all would be well, and my pregnancy coasted along rather smoothly. At forty two weeks, after my second induction had failed, Peyton came into this world via c-section. I truly believe she would have stayed in there forever if I had let her, and sometimes I wish I had. Inside of me she was protected, my body provided for her what her own could not, and I truly believe that the happiest moments of her life were those spent in my womb.

With my snowflakes, I have been sort of forced to take the possibility that I may not reach the 36+ week mark into consideration. With any multiple pregnancy, the likelihood is a little higher for not going fully to term, and when you compound that with the fact that this SCH predisposes me to premature rupture of membranes and pre-term labor, you end up with this perfect storm of worry that has prompted this big count down.

Just this week, two woman on my SCH support board have gone into early labor (one whose OB told her the night before that her SCH had fully resolved), and it scares the life out of me. These women were just 22 weeks and change, and barely 25 weeks along, and their stories make it feel as if reaching that point of viability cannot come soon enough.

Though full of many, many blessings, this whole pregnancy has been pretty complicated. My issues with the bleed in my uterus continue, and though I have not actively bled in a while (thank God!) my last ultrasound showed that the SCH had grown a bit. Three weeks ago it had gone down to 5.5cm which was great news, but last week grew to 7.9cmx3.5cm - so roughly a little over 3 inches by a little over 1 inch, and though my Peri told me she was pleased with the size, seeing as how 7.9cm is only 1.1cm from the size my SCH was at the time of my first "big bleed," I didn't find a whole lot of comfort in that number.

As of this weekend, I have hit the 2.5 month mark of being on bedrest, and have come to terms with the fact that it what it is - a necessary means to an end. Bedrest is kinda boring, kinda mentally exhausting, but necessary so there is no point in fighting it. Every few weeks I will have a day where I want to get out of my house and run down the street, or go up Peyton's hill, or pick up groceries, or do any of the things that I feel physically capable of doing, but I can't, and I just have to cope with the reality that laying around like a lump all day every day is what is best for my babies, and move on.

Things have also gotten a bit more complicated this last month because I have developed some fairly annoying cardiac issues. For about six weeks my heart has been racing on and off as I lay here, with my resting rate having long spells of being between 120-130. I went to the cardiologist who told me that laying down causes the blood in my heart to pool, and when that pool pushes through my heart, that causes the rapid heart rate. He put me on a 48 hour holter monitor and the very morning the holter monitor went back, my heart went into arrythmia, and has pretty much stayed there since. There are long 2-3 second pauses in my heart beat every 4 beats or so, and while the doctor has promised me it is not affecting the snowflakes, the sickening feeling it gives me (like that of having a panic attack or someone stepping on your throat) makes me feel anxious, even when I am not. This is making "relaxing" a little harder to do because I constantly feel unable to breathe and like my heart is a cement mixer tumbling around in my chest.

I sound rather geriatric don't I?
But that's okay.

I constantly remind myself that this is all temporary, and in four months time will reap a huge payoff, and somehow thinking about it that way helps.

I got an email from a friend the other day where she was talking about some of the worries she is feeling about being pregnant after loss. In it she said something really beautiful, and regardless of our given situations right now, I think it's a bit of advice we can all use. She said that she could feel stressed, or she could feel blessed, and she was opting to feel blessed.

I have been reminding myself of these words a great deal the last few days. Yes it is not ideal to be having all of these health issues, and yes bedrest is a bore, but I am blessed, so blessed, with two little snowflakes that have decided to kick and punch and let me know day and night that they are here and they are thriving. I have a lot to feel stressed about, but I also have a lot to feel blessed about - so, like my friend, I am going to (try) to go for that.

Here is my latest belly bump pic taken last week. I have some fairly recent ultrasound shots, too, that I just need to get uploaded, so hopefully they will appear in a post sooner than later.

Again, I am putting lots of space here for anyone for whom this might be a trigger. Sending love out to all my fellow infertiles who are trying for their own bumps, and my fellow babylost mommas still waiting on their rainbows. I pray that this happens for you all sooner than later.
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17 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with the snowflakes. I will be praying for you and the snowflakes.

    *Love that you have them named :) So cute!

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  2. You look so bountiful and beautiful. Your snowflakes are lucky to have a momma that cares so deeply about them, and is so dedicated to making the sacrifices needed to help them grow and thrive. Much love!

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  3. I wish you weren't having such a hard time with this pregnancy. Still praying for you. You look BEAUTIFUL!!!!

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  4. You are such a beautiful Prego Momma....you and your Snowflakes will be in my thoughts and prayers continually......

    Kelly

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  5. Such a great picture! I wish this were going much easier for you, as it just seems like it would be only fair for you to have an easy pregnancy considering all that you've been through, but apparently life isn't fair! So, I'm just sending love and prayers for you to make it through and bring those snowflakes home, happy, healthy, and loving life (as late into the pregnancy as possible!!).

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  6. You look so absolutely beautiful. Know that you and your snowflakes have a permanent place on my prayer list. {{{Hugs}}}

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  7. Love the baby bump! You have more than your fair share of worries and I do continue to pray for you. I pray the Snowflakes come happy and healthy, that they don't have to stay in the NICU, that the nasty old SCH doesn't rear its ugly head, that you have an easy delivery, and that you are able to regain your strength quickly after bedrest. Friend, you are thought of daily! Sending big hugs....

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  8. You look great, prayers for 24 weeks to come faster than you think.

    Great advice from your friend, to choose to feel blessed. Find the best in every situation...

    hang in there. ((hugs))

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  9. You are very beautiful with your baby bump in the picture. Things have been hard on you before, but God has blessed you again with your snowflakes, and that is a big blessing you have received. I know that you'll be a great mom to your cute angels.:-)

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  10. Great picture of the baby bump. You really do look beautiful. Hang in there and Keep the Faith. You really are blessed. Praying for you and your snowflakes every single day. Take care. Love Leah's Nana

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  11. I wished for you an uneventful pregnancy. Unfortunately we know all too well the twists & obstacles life throws at us.

    "She said that she could feel stressed, or she could feel blessed, and she was opting to feel blessed."

    I have also been trying alot lately to feel the blessing we have been given. Its hard to stay in that mindset. I wish that for you.

    I am sorry for all that you are going through. I am always thinking of you!

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  12. I am sorry to hear that you are having some difficulties during this pregnancy. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sorry its been awhile, please know that I do read your posts in Google Reader even thought I don't comment often. *hugs*

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  13. You look wonderful!!!! I love the Bump:)

    I developed a heart issue after my first IVF...pretty much I was experiencing tachycardia 24/7....at rest it was 120-130 and then if I would do something minimal like walk across the room it would be at 170's...It was really crazy...but because it was constant I couldnt do anything...I would take a shower and feel like I ran a marathon...they thought it would resolve after my blood clot did but it never did...So I have a permenant dx of Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia....and have to take a low dose blood pressure medication for the rest of my life to lower my heartrate...I am on 50mg at night of Toprol XL...it really helped things when not pregnant but since I have been pregnant of course it has crept back up and my Dr. is a little concerned about the medication causing my little boy to have that IUGR later in pregnancy like 30 ish weeks and then if that happens he will have to take me off my medication and I would probably have to be hospitalized and given some other type of meds via IV...This is what my OB says...So lets hope thats not the case...

    Its amazing to me how pregnancy/IVF is so differant for everyone...some go through it like nothing at all...some struggle a bit...and then some of us seem to have gone through it all...Our Bodies are crazy:(

    Well girlie hang in there...You really are doing great and staying focused on the purpose at hand and being very selfless...I hope your hubby praised you daily for what you are doing because I know how hard it is...and Im not even full bedrest like you....Take care

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  14. I am hoping that things get better for you. I wish things were smooth sailing but know that you are in my prayers.

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  15. I think the happiest time of Peyton's life was in your arms, looking into your eyes. What a beautiful bump picture xxx

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  16. You are looking fabulous with the snowflakes!! Sorry you are having the heart issues. There were times when I could feel my heart skipping but I didn't have them constantly like you so I can imagine how stressing that can be for you because it worried me the times it happened. It is all worth it for these babies though. I know you would go to the moon and back for them.

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  17. You look beautiful. I'm sorry that, with the move and everything else, I've not been able to support you as I'd have liked. It's been so crazy around here. But you are always in my thoughts... and my prayers too. I'm glad that things are going well... Well, as well as they can. And that you are getting closer and closer each day to viablity. I know that countdown... It isn't fun. And once you pass it, it doesnt get easier because you WANT that full term mark so badly... I'm sending up everything I have that you see it- and beautifully. :)

    Hugs and love.

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