Thursday, October 7, 2010

Walking The Line

Thank you so much to all who reached out with support on the 2nd as we dealt with the anniversary of Peyton's passing. The weekend was a hard one for me, mostly because I couldn't get out to the cemetery and be with her, and thinking of my little baby laying neglected up on that hill since her birthday a month ago just breaks my heart. I learned earlier this week though of a visit some friends had made, unbeknownst to me, to leave fresh flowers on her stone, and thinking of them taking the time to honor her that way really did my heart some good.

The weekend itself was full of ups and downs. There were moments where I felt fine, laughing and getting along, and then others where grief hit me like a ton of bricks and the loss of her felt so new, and raw, and permanent, that I struggled for my breath the way I did last year, and the year before. I am coming to terms with the fact that the Fall will always feel this way for me.

At one point on Sunday I went back to the blog that my sister had authored to keep friends and family informed during Peyton's life (and at the news of her death), and re-read the comments that had been left there for us. They were desperate and encouraging, hopeful and then grief stricken. After that I went to the funeral home's site and re-read the messages from there as well. I don't know why I did that to myself, it was torture reading words left for a poor couple upon hearing the news that they had lost their baby, and knowing that poor couple was us made it even harder to take. I can't explain why I put myself through that, I just felt compelled to do it, and as I read the sympathies expressed there by family, friends, and strangers alike, I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her, and for us, and to just feel so robbed, robbed, robbed. 

I guess there is a reason I have let those messages go unopened for the better part of two years. 

Sitting in bed, reading and crying (hubs was out back doing some construction) I started feeling guilty for my grief, that in some way it was doing a disservice to the joy I feel over my little snowflakes. It's a complicated feeling, and hard to explain, but I find myself struggling for footing in this balancing act between expectant mother and grieving mother. 

I am hopeful - I am heartbroken.
I am overjoyed- I am full of sorrow.
I am planning for a future of what ifs - I am mourning for a life that never can be.

I rubbed my belly, and apologized to the snowflakes for whatever they might be feeling of my tears, and told them about Peyton, their big sister who they will never meet in this life. I explained that though she is not here, and they are,  I still love her as I do them, and that sometimes, even as we  celebrate in joy the blessings of our lives, there will come the time to shed tears for the little girl, our first little girl, who was taken too quickly and too permanently from all of our lives. It might sound crazy (as I often do here) but for some reason I got the feeling that they understood, and once that feeling had washed over me - my tears halted and I was at peace. 

This past Tuesday I went in for a higher level ultrasound of the snowflakes. I was under the impression that it was to be my first anatomy scan, but I was wrong, that comes a few weeks down the road. At this ultrasound they did measurements to make sure the snowflakes are growing appropriately, and got some good looks and pictures of my SCH (uterine blood clot). This exam brought with it lots of good news, and some not so great news. 

The good news is that both of my little snowflakes are growing and growing and growing! The average baby at 17 weeks is 5 oz, and despite the fact that I have struggled to gain weight in this pregnancy because of unrelenting morning sickness, pregnancy nose, and nauseating food aversions, I am happy to report that baby A is weighing in at a whopping 9 oz! while baby B is just about where (she) should be at 7 oz. 

All of the measurements the ultrasound tech and Perinatologist took, showed these babies to be right in the appropriate ranges, though it has become fairly clear on ultrasound that Baby A is our future NBA star, with long legs and big old feet like his daddy.

Always one for keeping up the mystery, Baby B decided to hang out in the shadows of my belly button a bit longer, keeping (her) parts hidden from clear view. The docs have told me that they really think A is a boy, and B is a girl, but like any modest little girl should, when they went to get a good look, B covered up with her hands (what a little lady haha) so a definitive determination of B's gender has not been made. The Peri assured us that at the anatomy scan, we will definitely find out for sure. 

The news about my SCH was pretty good. I had a few more brown bleeds since the last time I blogged about it, and the SCH that they have been watching seems to be down to about 6.5cm which is great news (it was 12.5cm at its largest.)

The not so wonderful news is that they think I may have developed a second SCH measuring 4cmx4cm, and this one was not as far from the babies as the first so that made us sort of say ugh. The tech told us they weren't absolutely sure that it was another SCH they were seeing, explaining that it could possibly be a blood vessel, so only time will tell.

My placenta previa also seems to be doing "okay." When I am having a contraction, I have full placenta previa, but when I am not contracting, Baby A moves up a little bit and makes some room for the cervix. I asked the Peri if she thought it would correct itself, and she said that while there is still a chance that it might, at this point I am pretty far along for that to happen, so that, too, may be something they have to watch for the remainder.

Overall I have to say that I am feeling pretty good, though I am officially the size of a house, okay maybe not a whole house, but a condo at least. I am still throwing up just about daily,  but not nearly as much - and though I hear talk about some mysterious energy boost that is supposed to be here in the second tri, the rain we have been having here in the northeast these last few weeks has kept that from happening. 

I guess that if there is one good thing to be said as I approach my now 6th week of bed rest (I can't believe it, I mean I can because it is boring and redundant and I have lived it every day, but I can't believe it still) is that there is a lot of free time to partake in some good naps.

I was going to share some ultrasound pics with you today, but hubs still needs to get them scanned for me, and we are overdue for a belly shot, so that will come soon too. 

Instead I thought I would share these lovely goodies that I have been so lucky to receive over these last few weeks, for which I am truly, TRULY, grateful.

This lovely painting actually came more than a few weeks ago, isn't it beautiful? It is a watercolored butterfly sent to me from my beautiful friend Jill at Footprints on Our Hearts!

Jill was also kind enough to send me this care package to get me through bed rest, as well as some twin books which unfortunately I don't have a pic of ...

And for Peyton's birthday, a lovely blog reader named Denise H. sent me the most perfect butterfly chimes... aren't they amazing?  They hang at our front porch now, and make the most beautiful wind-song when a soft breeze blows.

Well I guess that's all I have to report... please continue to keep my sweet little snowflakes in your prayers, that they continue to grow, and thrive, and come into this world healthy and strong. 


  1. I know our situations are not the same, but I can relate to the dual/oscillating emotions. Being grateful to be pregnant again but mourning the baby who is not. I don't have the answers, but I can relate.

  2. I am glad the little one's are growing and doing so well. Can't wait to see pictures of your belly. Being a BLM just changes everything, it is so darn exhausting!! Not a single day goes by that I do not think of you and pray that you start to feel better soon. Being sick is no fun. I have never been on best rest but I can imagine how hard that must be for me, ((HUGS))

    Jill is such a sweetheart!!!

  3. Not an expert on pregnancy, but I was given different information about placenta previa than your peri gave you. At my 18 week ultrasound I had placenta previa. Both the u/s doctor and my OB said it was no problem at this stage because the majority of placenta previa corrects itself as your uterus enlarges. I had a follow up u/s at 26 weeks to check on the previa and it was fully resolved (i.e. the placenta was no where near the cervix). You have twins in your belly and your babes are going to get so big your uterus has A LOT of growing to do. I wouldn't spend two seconds worrying about the placenta previa based on the advice of the doctors I talked to. You have too many other things to worry about right now. Peace be with you and your babes.

  4. Thanks for the update--just wanted to let you know that I have been praying for you and your little snowflakes daily.
    And thank you, too, for being willing to share your emotions so freely with us! I will continue to pray as you go through this journey of grieving for sweet Peyton during the same time of waiting to see your littlest ones.

    Nancy in Colorado

  5. I know what you mean about being hopeful and heartbroken all at the same time. It really is a struggle to balance all of those emotions. And it's exhausting too.

    I am so, so happy to hear your little snowflakes are doing so well! I'll be excited to see your ultrasound pics.

    ((Big Hugs))

  6. Just sending prayers up for you and your snowflakes! Wishing there was something more that I could do, but I'm sending you some love!

  7. I am so very glad that the overall news is good. You are all in my prayers and will continue to be for the duration.

    Do you know how to knit or crochet or are you interested? I would be happy to put together a care package and I know there are tons of how to videos on YouTube.

  8. Sending you and those sweet Snowflakes lots of love and prayers...I was worried about my placenta previa (and actually, anything with the word previa in it is now POISON to me) but my peri also told me that it being prevue at 16 weeks was not a big concern for him because there was lots of time to 18 it was marginal, 20 it was low-lying and now is just nowhere near my cervix, just as he, there still could be time...glad they are keeping a close eye though because your doctor can see where the placenta attached and if it's not that high up, even if there is time to move, it just may not and that may be why she thinks it may stay any event, seems like you are in good hands and so glad for that!

  9. Continuing to keep you in my prayers. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be on bedrest. But, you are doing amazingly well. We are all here for you. If you're bored, email me.

  10. What a range of emotions! I know that your beautiful Peyton is watching you and sending you lots of love. I am so glad you felt peace. That feeling is the most wonderful feeling! I know it and it's like a breath of fresh air.

    YAY for care packages! I love that so many people love and care about you. You do so much for so many, lets us love and do our best to take care of you.

  11. I am so thrilled that those babies are growing and doing well!! I also love that you talk to them and tell them about Peyton. Always thinking about you! XO