Saturday, September 4, 2010

How it feels upon waking to your second birthday.


To my sweet little Peyton on your second birthday,

I thought I would be stronger this year. I thought for some reason it would be easier to face today with it not being the first, and the joy I feel over your little siblings, but I am learning through eyes that weep and a heart full of sorrow that this day that was meant to hold so much hope, will always be a glaring reminder of all that we were not able to do with you.

I read recently that we are all just energy, and since energy has no beginning, and no end, we, too, have no end. This brought me comfort as I thought of your energy leaving a body that was so deadset against you, and flying freely among the clouds, the birds, and the trees.

I know you have never left me. Nearly every day I have felt something that I have attributed to you - a flicker in the lights, a sense of Peace when I needed it, a warm breeze across my ears and cheek to dry my tears.

Someday when I am where you are, I will hold you again sweet girl and thank you for the many, many ways that you have comforted me through your loss.

I wish you were here today, running, playing, and doing all that little two year old girls should do. I find myself wondering what type of little one you would be - a tomboy? little miss independent? shy? When my mind goes there, to that painful place of all that I wish that we had had with you, I go back to that passage about energy and return to the thoughts of you as a free little spirit not constrained to any one title, and this lifts my sorrow.

There are moments from your life that I will never get over, and decisions that I will never find peace with, though for the last two years I have tried and tried and tried. Please little girl, help Mommy today. Help me to look back on your perfect little self with joy and admiration. Help me to remember all I did have with you - your unguarded love, our skin to skin time, breastfeeding, holding you, counting your perfect little fingers and toes, tracing the outlines of your face, reveling at the way you would look into my eyes with a wisdom beyond your age for hours and hours.

Help me to hold tight to these things today.

Happy Birthday my precious little blue eyes. Please know that wherever you are, it is to you that we are sending our love.

Loving you always, and missing you especially today,
Momma



38 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday, Peyton. And much strength to you, Mama.

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  2. Praying for peace for you today. Happy Birthday sweet Peyton!

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  3. big heart felt hugs to you today and a warm an wonderful birthday in heaven to Peyton.

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  4. Sending love to you today and sending love to sweet Peyton on her birthday.

    xxx

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  5. Happy 2nd birthday Peyton. I think of you often. Sending both you & your Mommy love & peace today.

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  6. Thinking of your sweet little Peyton and sharing her story with my friends. Hugs...

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  7. Happy Birthday to Peyton and hugs to her inspirational mama.

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  8. Happy Birthday Peyton. You have touched so many lives.

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  9. Happy Second Birthday Peyton Elizabeth, sending you birthday love too.

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  10. Happy Birthday sweet Peyton.

    It's not fair. Birthday wishes shouldn't be said through tears.

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  11. Happy Birthday Peyton and lots of hope for a few moments of peace for your Mommy.

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  12. Beautiful, just beautiful, Mama. Happy birthday little Peyton. Thinking of you both today.

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  13. Happy birthday little Peyton. Missing you today and always.

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  14. Happy birthday, sweet Peyton!

    Kristin, here is a cupcake for your sweet girl from me and Calvin.

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  15. Happy Birthday, Peyton. Thinking of you and your family.

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  16. I hope your heart is filled with pure love and peace today.

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  17. Sending you lots of prayers Kristin.

    HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!!!!

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  18. Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Peyton!!!

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  19. happy birthday baby girl. thinking of your momma and daddy today. xo

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  20. Happy 2nd birthday, Peyton. Hugs to you and your family today and always.

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  21. Happy Birthday Peyton !!
    Thinking of you & praying for you !!

    Caroline

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  22. Sending you warmth and love...

    I will be sending you something else as soon as I can figure out how to do it on my new computer...I wanted it to be today...I'm sorry it won't be. But know that I'm holding you close to my heart.

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  23. Happy Birthday sweet girl <3
    we just passed Ella's 2nd birthday too and I sure thought it would be easier, less painful, something.. anyhow big hugs to you!

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  24. Happy second birthday beautiful girl. Much love to your mama today.
    xo

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  25. Happy birthday, Peyton... Sending hugs and love...

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  26. Happy Birthday, Sweet Peyton!

    Sending much love and supportive thoughts your way, Kristin.

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  27. Thinking of you today & remembering sweet Peyton with you today! Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday Peyton! (((HUGS)))

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  28. Happy 2nd Birthday to your sweet, beautiful Peyton. (())

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  29. Its so sweet feeling..happy second bday baby..What a beautiful, heartfelt, moving piece of writing. Thanks so much for creating and sharing this.

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  30. Love you, baby Peyton. Happy Second Birthday, sweetie.

    Love,
    Auntie Becky

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  31. belated happy birthday baby!!I already follow you in google connect and actually I got your button display on my blog. I am a blogger tackling about health tips, food but My heart stays rehere. . . Take care:0

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  32. I sent you an email regarding this, hope you got it!

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