Thursday, June 17, 2010

On Love - For Better or For Worse

This is today's Facebook status:

Four years ago today, I married my best friend, and while we never could have anticipated as we took our vows, the trials that we would face in just a few short years time, I thank God for having sent me a person of such grace, compassion, love, and strength to be my partner in love, in life, and as an amazing father to our child. 
I love you Dru. 
Happy Anniversary.


I am not usually one to do re-posts, but when I went back and re-read what I had posted at this time last year, I was struck by how true it still felt, and how fitting the words were with what we are facing IVF and infertility wise. It is for these reasons that I have decided to share last year's anniversary post with you again - with some edits in blue.

"For Better Or For Worse" - Originally posted 6/17/09

Three Four years ago today, I married my best friend, on a rainy Saturday over Father's Day weekend. We celebrated with family and friends, made commitments before God, heard toasts and danced, and dreamt of our happy future together. It's amazing how far removed you can feel from the "you" of just three four years earlier, when you are hit with something like we were with Peyton. Yet, despite all the pain and fear and sadness and anger, our love has endured.
The statistics on any marriage making it nowadays are a glass half full at best, and the statistics on marriages surviving the loss of a child are staggering (some studies citing a 90% divorce rate), compound that with divorce rates over infertility, and the outlook for a marriage surviving what we have been dealt are bleak at best.


When reflecting on the arrival of this third fourth anniversary, there is no doubt in my mind as to how we have made it through another year despite the pain of this loss... hard work. 

Marriage is not always easy, it is not always for better, but it is always our top priority. Early on in this journey through grief, we were fortunate to have parents who reminded us that we couldn't just take for granted that we would stay together through this. This dose of reality has inspired us to constantly work at keeping the lines of communication open with one another, even when it would have just been easier to shut down.

Waking up this morning and thinking about this day, about what it means and represents, I thank God for having given me the insight early on to marry not just "mister right," but the "right man." So many couples vow to be together for better or for worse, without realizing that the for betters are not a guarantee, and the for worses are not necessarily fifty years away. They repeat a chain of words that they have heard uttered hundreds of times in life, in movies, in stories, and don't really understand their meaning or the depth of that commitment. 

For Better or For Worse means, I will not run from you when times are uncomfortable. I will not start over with someone else because it is easier. I will not turn my back on you when you have turned your back on yourself. I will not judge you, but instead try to understand.

In our short marriage, the for worse came far more quickly than either of us could have ever imagined. We are just kids ourselves, we could never have anticipated being tested this way or having to endure this kind of pain. I don't know why God has laid this heavy cross over our shoulders so early on, and most days my mind just gets stuck on the anger that I feel over that, but not today. Today I am thankful for the love of the right man, my best friend.

The majority of this last year of marriage has been spent in a state of pain and sadness, and as easy as it would be to get sucked into that abyss permanently, we cannot allow this loss (and infertility) to define our whole marriage. Sometimes I forget how young we are, how many years there are still ahead. Even if just for today, in the bittersweetness of this week that meshes both a day that celebrates our commitment to, and love for one another, and my husbands first  second Father's Day, I will hold out hope and believe that we have had our share of for worse, and the for better days are still to come.

20 comments:

  1. Wishing so many more "for better" days ahead of you.

    Happy anniversary!

    xxx

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  2. Beautiful tribute words in such a hard time. It really does seem like there is so much undefined in a marriage when we take those vows, and as the definitions of what is better and what is worse are formed (sadly, through experiences)...to know in our hearts that we are stronger with each other through it all is one of the reassurances (few) of life I am grateful for.

    I love that wedding picture--it's joy in color. I hope that you are able to share many more years together and am always praying for you that better days are just ahead.
    xo

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  3. That picture is great! I too hope the "for worse" days have passed & "for better" days are soon to arrive. Enjoy your anniversary.

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  4. What a beautiful post and thoughts on marriage.

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  5. I couldn't agree with you more on everything you said about marriage. It is something that you do need to work on everyday. I've been told over and over that we are not given trials in our lives that God does not think we can't handle. It's how we choose to let these trials effect our lives. Too often its the easy way that people take and just shut it out and then in turn shut out their marriage.

    Happy 4 year Anniversary! I hope and pray for more better days for you and your husband.

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  6. Happy Anniversary. Hoping that this year brings the 'for better' you both so deeply deserve.

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  7. Love the picture. Love the post.

    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

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  8. Happy Anniverary! A wonderful post, thanks for sharing it!

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  9. Beautiful words! Happy anniversary and may you have more "better days"!

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  10. Happy Anniversary to you both!! I'm glad you re-shared this post.

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  11. This is beautiful. I read it out loud to my husband :)

    Happy anniversary!

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  12. Happy Anniversary!! We are Ani-Sisters! :)

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  13. This was a beautiful post from the heart. In today's society, the word divorce is all too common. You're right when you say many don't mean it when they say they will be together for better, for worse...in sickness and in health. Commitment is just a word. People today don't really believe in commitment, which is sad.

    Here's to many more years together! Regardless of what happens, you'll do it together.

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  14. Happy Anniversary! Love the pic.

    ((hugs))

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  15. In today's world everyone has their own stresses. But that you and they hubby have held on to each other after such a loss only means that you are with your perfect match. Happy Anniversary! May you have many, many more. ((hugs))

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  16. I LOVE this post! Eight years of infertility, IVF's and recurrent pregnancy loss has taken its toll on my marriage and daily my DH and I remind each other of the "for better or worse" oath we have taken as we work hard to rebuild what infertility almost destroyed.
    Happy anniversary!

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  17. I love how you are bluntly honest about both the statistics and how hard a job staying married is.

    It is brutally hard and I commend you for sticking with it. I don't know anyone who thinks it is a walk in the park except the people trying to convince themselves otherwise!

    Hugs to you and happy anniversary. The DH and I have the added brutality of multiples. Supposedly after loss (which we have experienced in spades) and with multiples you have a 30% chance of divorce. We've made it to 2+ decades... against every odd that there is.

    I also am glad you reshared this post...

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  18. I cannot read your posts without crying. I don't know the details of your loss of Peyton, but I just wanted to send a ((HUG)) ... I can't imagine the grief you have felt and still feel. It angers me to think of people who have impatience with you wanting you to "move on" ... I support you in taking all the time you need. I can only imagine that this grief will be a lifelong process.

    Your daughter is beautiful and it breaks my heart that you had to say good bye to her too soon.

    And, btw, congratulations on your anniversary. I hope and pray that this tragedy combined with infertility has only brought you two closer together.

    With big hugs today,
    Polly

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  19. Happy Anniversary. Wishing Peyton was here with you to celebrate.
    xoxo

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