Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Meaning Abounds

Since losing Peyton, everything seems to have a deeper meaning, including the songs that I hear. Living on this side of the loss universe leaves me reading more deeply into them, finding connections to the lyrics in a way that wasn't possible before.

Before knowing what it was to love her.
Before holding her as she left.
Before mourning her.

I was working on my novel today, doing some boring rewrite/edit stuff, and this one popped up unexpectedly on a youtube playlist. It touched my heart in a profound way, pulling me immediately from the task at hand to focus on its message, and especially these words:

"To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do"
The significance of the first line for me is the way Peyton's bright blue eyes seemed to pierce right through me. She had a look to her of wisdom, like an 'old soul' who knew that her time was limited here, even before we had accepted or truly understood that.

I see the "long goodbye" as mourning, and can relate to the "nearly do" because I have been stuck in a numb place where, even when I want to cry, my tears feel distant and unreachable.

There have been so many songs that have spoken to me since losing Peyton. Many of them are in my sidebar playlist. How about you? Have there been any songs that you have found to be surprisingly meaningful on your journey?

Run - by Snow Patrol

(be sure to pause the music player in the side bar before pressing play)


  1. Music has always touched me, so I think it's interesting at HOW MUCH MORE significant so many words are now...beautiful song. There was no nearly crying for me...I did.

    Thinking of you!

  2. I feel the same way. After Mackenzie died, Miley Cyrus' song The Climb would make me bawl. Not sure what it had to do with anything. I guess just thinking about climbing out of the pit of despair.

  3. Oh gosh, I so agree! Songs just aren't the same anymore. Almost any song I hear I can somehow connect to Carleigh and our journey with her.

  4. My brother was very much into Green Day (whom I love to listen to for pick-me-ups) and John Lennon. At his funeral, his friend played "Look at Me", and I was told that my brother tried to play that song on a guitar. It was his favorite song.

    When I listened to his friend sing it...

    "Look at me,
    Who am I supposed to be?"...

    Yeah, I bawled. Because it all made sense.

    But some time later, I sang it in the shower and at random moments so much, I mastered it. So every now and then, I'll sing it to him...

  5. I have a playlist with over 40 songs in it for this very same reason! EVerything reminds me of her! I still add to it when I hear something new. Maybe I will add to it forever. But almost every song, tv show, movie, or book seems to find my way back to her...

  6. When I was a kid, I used to hear a song in Spanish all the time. It wasn't until my grandmother passed away that my dad began to play it more often and I understood why he played it. I now truly cry everytime I hear it.

    It talks about the suffering the songstress goes thru mourning the loss of her lover. I will post the lyrics to the song Amor Eterno in English.

  7. This song broke through my strong emotional battlements on the anniversary of Abigail's death and left me sobbing my heart out too.

    I like chasing cars too for similar - video here


    I don’t quite know
    How to say
    How I feel

    Those three words
    Are said too much
    They’re not enough

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me
    And just forget the world

    Peace and healing

  8. Yes...music touched me before Lyra died, and even more so now. This is a great song...I'm glad it has so much meaning for you. ((hugs))

  9. You put my finger on it. That's it. Every time I see a picture of Peyton, I'm struck by the wisdom and age in her eyes. She looks like an old soul. You can see that she's an old soul. People tell me that all the time about myself, and I don't see it, but I see that in her. Wow.

  10. I rememebr going on a walk after Nick and Sophie had died and being stopped in my track by U2's "Walk On". It was as if they were talking to me. I still cant hear it without getting chills.

  11. Very Beautiful.

    I love Someday by Rob Thomas, and and Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. I thnk of Shealyn everytime I hear them and they bring a smile to my face.