Monday, June 8, 2009

Everything Happens For A Reason

Everything happens for a reason. 

This, the most common of platitudes, is one that I have heard, and cringed at, a hundred times since Peyton died. Everything happens for a reason is a perfectly acceptable phrase to use when consoling a friend through the loss of a job i.e., losing this job will lead you to the next even better job; or through a tough break up i.e., no longer being with him will open you to the opportunity of meeting the next even better guy etc. etc. There is however, no reason so great, that it would justify the pain of watching your child suffer through chemotherapy, or the unrelenting grief that comes with watching her slip from this world to the next.

Today, while en route to a doctor's appointment, I sat stopped at a red light blocking me from making a left onto a main street. My light changed to green and I started to move forward, but luckily, out of the corner of my eye, sensed a car hurling toward me at far too fast a rate of speed to be someone who intended to stop at the red light before them. My reflexes engaged, I felt my foot hit the break, and watched in utter disbelief as this idiot woman screamed through my pathway, oblivious to the fact that she had just nearly caused a major accident.

 In that moment, sitting behind the wheel, heart pounding and thanking God for my reflexes, I realized that everything doesn't happen for a reason... sometimes things just happen. Had this woman hit me, she would have seriously hurt me or worse at the speed she was travelling, and there would have been no great meaning behind it... it just would have been. 

I have spent the last eight months trying to figure out why Leukemia chose to break our hearts. Why this happened to Peyton, to me, to us - and the reality is that there is just no reason. Life, for better or for worse, and without much concern or thought for those that it affects, just happens.


  1. Agreed. Lots of people suck sans reason!

  2. This is my first time to your blog - I am so sorry about the loss of Peyton...I cannot imagine. I always have a hard time believing that things happen for a reason too.

    I hope you will come over and join Mom Dot - there are some amazing women there, who will gladly welcome and embrace you!

  3. Hello, I just found your site at the recommendation of a friend. I am so very sorry to hear of this loss. I have no words, words just aren't enough. I am so sorry. There is a wonderful group of bloggers that I enjoy hanging with over at The forum is full of really wonderful, understanding, supportive women. We'd love to have you there.

  4. Hi there, I've just stumbled across your blog from over at, where we'd like for you to come on over and join us. We're a pretty tight knit community, and we'd love to have you among us. We may not know the struggles you face firsthand, but we'd sure love to try to be there for you, and help you if there is any way we can. and our forum,

    *huge sympathetic hugs from one mother to another*

  5. we would love for you to come over and see us. I am int he middle of a site transer and its all nuts on my site right now, but please email me.

    our mom blogging place would love to support you.

    email me!
    trisha (at) momdot (dot) com

  6. I lost my 2nd daughter to SIDS in 2001. Over the past few years, I have finally realized that her death wasn't for no reason. I was blessed to have a beautiful soul in my life for 3 wonderful months. Maybe your daughter was brought into your life so that you can help others. I think near accidents happen as a reminder that we need to becareful. You are in my thoughts and Miss Peyton is just beautiful!

  7. Well at least something made you notice that woman. I believe it was your beautiful Angel Peyton. I believe in angels.

    There is a website called "To write their names in the sand". She lost her baby at birth and took her pain and grief and turned it into something beautiful! Go here:
    There is a whole community of childless mothers there. You will find comfort there, I am sure of it!

    Then come over to and click on the forum button. The owner of MomDot, Trisha found you and sent us all over here to tell you to come be with us. So come on over...

  8. You blog is amazing, and your courage and strength are incredible. Thanks for being willing to share your story.

  9. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but it might not be obvious to us what that reason is. Maybe not even in this lifetime.

    I am so sorry that you are having to go through this trial. I could not imagine loosing my daughter. You must be a strong, strong woman.

  10. What you are enduring is not something that one ever deserves, or one that the Lord would happily give us as part of our journey. The idea that "everything happens for a reason" is just that, to give a reason to everything. Someimes, things can never truly be explained or given a reason.
    Please know that there is so much out there to help you through this terrible tragedy that you are enduring. There are support blogs, there are religious support groups, so many listening ears. I belong to MomDot ( and it is a fabulous community of moms that listen, laugh, and enjoy one another's company. Please come on over and meet us. You are always welcome there. You are not alone.
    God Bless You, and I hope to see you around!
    Hugs, Amber

  11. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I read all of your posts and regarding the post about moving on... there is no "right" time to move on. Everyone grieves in their own way and no one should tell you it's time to move on. What happened to your family isn't fair... Just take one day at a time - that's all you can do.

    Peyton is a beautiful little girl and she is lucky to have you as a mother... keeping her sweet memory alive!

  12. Hi, I'm new to your blog and I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you have gone through. Thank you for sharing your story.

  13. I am so sorry for your loss. Those words seem so insignificant given the pain you must feel. I can't even bear to imagine what it feels like to lose your daughter, but please know that I (and many others) are thinking of you.

  14. Continue blogging and you will find some peace by expressing

  15. I am one of the more jaded ones (and without cause, at that), who will say that everything just is. What has happened, has simply been (like you said). The "everything happens for a reason" set, while I believe it's well intended and based in faith, assigns meaning to things after the fact. Not that things are meaningless, but we are the ones who choose their meaning. I hope this makes sense.

    I have no words to express how deeply your story has touched me. All I can really offer is a hug, from one mom, to another.


  16. I am so sorry for your loss and the emotional emptiness this has caused. I lost two babies to miscarriages years ago. Although the pain of loosing them before I felt them, saw them, heard them could never be compared to the loss of a baby you gave birth to held, kissed and loved with every piece of your heart. I have two children now and could never imagine what you are feeling. I know that most people don't know what to say and will say things they think are helpful but really are hurtful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  17. I'm so sorry for your loss. Any time a child passes, you lose a part of you. I know this sounds crazy, but I had a miscarriage and even though it was just a fetus, I had seen the heartbeat before, and to me, that was my living child growing inside of me. With that loss, I lost a part of me and it still pains me to think of it. I can't even imagine the pain it would be to lose a child you have given birth to ahd held in your hand. My heart goes out to you. I will not tell you that everything happens for a reason. But I will tell you that with time, you will be able to live with her loving memory. May God bring you peace and know that there is a force bigger than us, who understands why this happened and we are left to accept and try to make sense of it all. God bless you.

  18. You and your husbands (and Peytons) courage and strength are amazing. Sending love and light. Thanks for sharing your story.

  19. I'm new to your blog as well...came by it through a post from mom dot on twitter. My heart aches for you...I know I often remind myself things happen for a reason, we may not know the reason clearly, but you have eloquently written about your daughter Peyton and your experience...For that I am sure you are a strong person, someone to be admired and one who can help others overcome adversity, such as the loss of a child. I could never imagine the pain, but if it were not for people like you...many who experience the same would not have one another to turn to. Keep writing and sharing...let Peyton be remembered and live through your words&pictures. ♥ God bless you and your family! Patty @littlebytesnews on twitter ☺

  20. Once a Mother... Always a Mother. I'm not even going to try to place meaning on something that is so unbearably heartbreaking. What I will say is that the journey into Motherhood isn't one that all women take. Even some who do don't allow it to transform them. Peyton did transform you... she taught you the meaning of pure love and what it means to value another human being, genuinely, over yourself. You are a Mother, and that's nothing leukemia can take away from you.

    I know you can't ever recover from the loss of the child, but I do hope that you are able to find enough peace to be able to live your life in a way that honors Peyton and that you're once again able to experience the joy that she would want for you.

  21. The description at the top of your blog took my breath away. It makes total sense.

    I can only send you love & strength. I wish there was more I could do.

  22. Your story has touched me on a very deep and emotional level.I've read other stories, but you & Peyton will stay with me and make me a better mother.

    Yes, things just happen and I don't understand where God fits into some but not others. But we humans in trying to explain the unexplanable want to attach 'reason' so we can understand what we don't understand. Most reasoning does, without intention, diminish the initial happening.

    As for the person who told you to "move on" - I'm still picking up my jaw that's on the floor. Shame on them. You stay in your anger & grief for as long as you need to. Until they walk in your shoes, they don't know.
    Many hugs & prayers for you.

  23. I am so so sorry for your lost. I can not even begin to imagine the pain you endure.

  24. I found your story through MomDot, and I want to say something to comfort you - I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, and words are so inadequate! I know there are unexplainable, horrible things in this world sometimes. It's God who gives me hope when I feel like my life is falling apart. He's the One who gives me meaning.

    As I said, I don't have the right words! I'll be praying for you though, as you journey through this - you are not alone!

  25. beautifully true. there is no good reason why our babies died....((hugs))

  26. The reason. Your right - there is no reason! Nice concept but truly, what does it mean? Yes, I have my faith, my God, the cross round my neck. But that doesn't mean I understand anything at all. All it means is that I trust. In a God I don't see but believe loves me and my children, a God who holds dear one of my babies who left too soon, in my arms, at the age of three. The reason? Who knows what it is, the reason behind faulty DNA, cancer, syndromes. I don't try anymore to find the reason. Or if there is one. All I know is that this reality hurts, is pain filled but also joy interlaced. Pain has opened doors of insight. But the reason? Heck, I don't think that even on earth.

  27. thirtysomething, you are so right, there are no answers on this earth. that is one of the most frustrating parts, knowing that any sense to be made of this will not happen in this life. that, and knowing that even without any reasons, the questions never cease.

  28. Things do happen and I truly believe that God can make good out of anything. That is where my hope lies.

  29. I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

    I, too, have trouble believing that everything happens for a reason.

    Sometimes, I think when we experience a loss as tragic as the one that you are enduring, we might search for reasons to justify something so horrible. Or to find good in order to seek some small measure of comfort.

    After losing my father, I particularly struggled because I struggle with my belief (or lack of) in God/religion. I wanted a reason why he died so young. Why my future children would not have a grandfather etc.

    As you said, I think things just happen and there is no reason.

    And, even if things *do* happen for a reason, I don't think there is anything that could justify the loss of a child.

    My heart is with you on your journey. Take care.

    (Btw, I found you through bingo.)

  30. I'm just going through some of your older posts - this one struck me. My Dad was murdered last year. We spent lots of time looking for reasons, and so did everyone around us. Because if there's a reason, or some logic to it, then maybe we can stop it from happening again. But we can't, events like this are random. Terrible things happen to very good people.

    However, I'm also a little bit of the belief that everything happens for a reason, I just think we may never know or understand the reason during our lifetime. And no matter what the "reason" is, it'll never feel like a good enough excuse for losing someone we love.

    I can only try to look for the positives, because it's the only way to survive. After my Dad was killed, we very quickly had to make a choice between sinking or swimming, our lives were turned upside down in a heartbeat.

    We started a gratitude diary, and we each tried to write in it, a few things a day. Sometimes we would say we were grateful for the washing machine and that we didn't have to wash things by hand! Any tiny thing.

    It's taught me a lot of strength and compassion. So that's not really a "reason" but I have become a better person. I've also learned that there are way more good people in the world than bad.

    You will survive this. You will never be the same person you were before, but you will survive. Strength and hugs to you.