Thursday, May 31, 2012

I Know What I Don't Know

People often ask me if the twins are my first, and when I tell them about Peyton they usually follow up with comments about how everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah.

The problem with this is that I know.

I know that if Peyton had been born healthy, we would never have tried to conceive so soon.
I know that even if we had turned to IVF eventually, and even if I had gone on to have twins, the result of those cycles WOULD NOT be my Snowflakes.
I know that only in losing her, I gained them.

What I don't know is how I am supposed to feel about that.


  1. I totally am with you. Big hugs.

  2. I think it is okay to feel happy and sad about this. It's one of those things that for lack of a better way to say it, is what it is. It just is. It is terrible and amazing all at once. You can be sad to not have Peyton, but happy to have the snowflakes--at the same time. That is the reality of your life and it just is. It couldn't have been any other way, wouldn't have been any other way. Is because of the way things have worked for you.

    I just wish people wouldn't ask things like this. People need to realize that small talk can be hurtful and sometimes just doesn't need to be made.

  3. I am in the same boat with my beautiful Ava.....she would most likely not be here w/o losing rosie....but HOW are we supposed to feel about that?!?!

  4. When you figure it out, let me know. I don't know either. Part of me thinks I might have had Juliet. That perhaps my story would have been two girls, three years apart. That seems feasible. But I KNOW there would never have been an Angus. And, well, I just can't imagine that life now.

  5. I have the exact same feelings. If either one of my IVFs would've worked, we would've never adopted AJ--I simply can't imagine my world without him. I never thought I'd ever say that I'm thankful that I didn't get pregnant.

  6. That's something I sympathize with. I'm at a place now where I believe that all life, be it for 5 seconds or 5 decades, is equal. That it is all just a blip on the grand scale. I'm happy for the hour with Nick, and the 5 minutes with Sophie and Alex, and the current almost 3 years and counting with Bobby and Maya. And I'll take it. I'd do it all again to have each of them.

    Doesnt make it any easier, but at least, in that thought, I've found some peace. That, and in knowing that no amount of time would ever truly be enough.

  7. I think (and have learned myself) that sometimes the most comfort and what someone really needs is just being quiet, listening to what happened and NOT saying "everything happens for a reason." I get that. Sometimes there is no reason enough that would ever validate what happened. And there is a hole that just will never be filled--Right??-- despite so much gratitude from happy things that came after (s/a the Snowflakes.)

  8. Well said!
    Right now, I am at the stage where if someone told me this happened for a reason, I'd be apt to lose it - rage? hysterical sobbing? I'm not sure; thankfully nobody has said it.
    Someday, we will be the family we were meant to be - which, granted, is not the family we thought we'd be or that we currently wish we were. When that day comes, I'm sure I'll be feeling something very similar to this. I'll be glad I read this post today, when I ask myself: is this feeling normal? Is it okay?

  9. Such a huge question asked with so few words. I think most of us have had those kinds of thoughts. I still haven't found a person with an answer.

    For the record, I think that most people believe they are being polite by offering an explanation for loss. It's still inappropriate. I think a simple, "I'm sorry", would be sufficient in most cases.

  10. Oh that question, I think about it so often with my rainbow baby, if he would be here, how I would handle them all. I wish there were an answer that could bring us all some peace of mind but I haven't found it yet.

  11. I wonder about the people who throw that tired platitude around as if it would be some kind of universal remedy for grief. Do they honestly think that they Would be happy to give up one of their children if they knew that they could have a wonderful rainbow baby or two on the other side of purgatory?

  12. Everything happens for a reason? No...

    To say that Peyton died so that your snowflakes could be here sounds simplistic and barbarically insensitive. But then you are also left with this endless riddle of if she had lived, then the other two parts of your heart wouldn't exist. A person could go crazy analyzing that and how life works and how unfair it is and yet also so beautifully redeeming all at the same time.

    What I do know about love is that it does not travel in a linear fashion. It transcends time, moves and bends, forwards, backwards, sideways. Love was there in your darkest hour, coming to you from the future. And love was there in the midst of your rainbows, reaching from the past.

    How are you supposed to feel about all that? Exactly the way you do.

    Much love to you...

  13. Amen!! You've got me thinking too...