that you are having a
that you spent the last two hours laughing with your children...
that your outlook on life is generally a happy one...
that you have come so far in your healing...
that you have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in therapy working through each and every painful memory so as to dull the pain of them...
that you have accepted that she is never coming back...
that you have finally, finally realized that missing your child doesn't negate your right to be happy.
Triggers don't care...
they are rude...
and inconsiderate...
they shine a spotlight on your darkest memories...
pour salt in your wounds.
Triggers are the uninvited guests at a dinner party who demand control of the floor.
They are the background music of a neighbor that you can't shut off, but have to learn to live with.
Triggers are powerful, but guess what?
So are you.
When they come calling remind yourself that you are more than those memories.
You are more than that pain.
Your loss is not all that defines you.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and recognize that this feeling, this heart-stopping nauseating feeling will inevitably pass.
Your smile will return once again.
I hate triggers too!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this! I found out that I was pregnant with Lily on my birthday and my birthday is now a huge trigger. It should be a day of celebration but now it just hurts. She was the best birthday present ever and no present will ever compare...
ReplyDeleteI'll remember this post as my birthday approaches next Month...
Triggers def dont care but you're right that the smile will come again
ReplyDeleteAmen.
ReplyDeleteI had a whole bunch these last few days sitting at the hospital while my sister is in the ICU, just the smell of the hospital brings it all back.
ReplyDeleteIs it something about being four years? A leap year, an Olympic year again? I'm having many triggers, too.
ReplyDeletexo
So sorry my friend. It is comforting to know that I am not crazy though.
ReplyDeleteWOW!!! B E A U tiful!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a gorgeous post. It really resonates with me. The further out I get from losing Molly (4 years this April), the fewer and further between the incidents are. But they are just as painful to experience when they do come about. Thank you for capturing so well, as you always do, the grief that we live with and the healing/hope that we strive for every day as bereaved mothers. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSo true. And, it doesn't matter how many years have passed...or how much healing has taken place...they come when they come.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful as you walk this walk one step at a time. <3
I just came across your blog and I'm so sorry to read you are also an angel mom. I lost my Corbin to heart defects this past May (thecorbinstory.blogspot.com).
ReplyDeleteBlogging helped me get through the hardest part of my life and I'm glad to see it is helping you too. Peyton is a beautiful baby. xoxo