Thursday, December 2, 2010

Twelve Smalls Step - A Giant Leap

I am now nearing my 26th week of pregnancy, and if someone were to casually walk through our home, they would have no idea that we are anticipating the arrival of two little babies in the next few months.

There are no half assembled baby accessories in the living room, the second car seat that we know we need before heading to the hospital has yet to be purchased, and the room that will eventually be the Snowflakes' nursery is still a disheveled pile of files and paperwork that we call an office.

There is so much that still needs to be done, and I don't know if it is out of fear or disbelief, but we seem to have let time just tick by in that department without any progress.

In this house the only signs that there were ever any thoughts of a baby are some items along our mantle,

and a room at the opposite side of our hallway, hidden behind a closed door - a door that in the last 26 months has only been opened a handful of times, and most often when curious visitors have asked to see it.

Behind that door, everything is exactly as it was the day she died. The little garbage bag of clothes that Peyton wore in her short life still sits on the floor untouched...

The crib, with cards from well wishers at her shower framed above it, now lays vacant, under two years of dust...

And presents, delivered at or around the time of her birth, still sit neatly wrapped, waiting for the arrival of a child who was destined at birth never to come home...

There are many truths that we have had to face in this babylost world, and for us, one truth is that the little yellow room that we had always referred to as "the baby's room" will never hold that title for us again. Though she never slept there, that room was Peyton's, and only Peyton's, and one of these days when the strength or the courage or the drive are strong enough, it will be dismantled, and a space for me to sit and write will replace it.

I feel her there, in that room. I feel her all around me, and though I do believe in the possibilities of our family continuing to grow, I just could never put another child in that room.

When they arrive the Snowflakes will have their own space, a wonderful nursery created for them in the office closest to our bedroom. Hubs has a million and one ideas that he would like to see come to life in there, ideas that sound beautiful and dreamlike and wonderful, and just the fact that we are going there, that we are having these late night conversations about setting up another nursery, or how life will be once these twins come home, is a big HUGE step for us.

And last night we took another huge step.

For the very first time in this pregnancy, we bought something for the Snowflakes. It was  twelve somethings actually - twelve little Fuzzibunz cloth diapers, and while some may ask, "what's the big deal in that?" when your only experience with pregnancy outcomes has been a devastating one, it can be hard not to feel superstitious about getting too far ahead of yourself.

Over the past six months there have been several times when an outfit, or a toy, or a blanket has caught my eye for the twins, and I have put these items into my online shopping cart at Zulilly or Amazon wanting to purchase them, only to chicken out before hitting the button. But last night was different.

Last night I felt sure.

I felt sure these babies are going to be okay.
I felt sure that they will be healthy.
And I felt sure that healthy babies need diapers, so like a kid in a candy store I shopped various sizes and adorable colors and it was exciting and made me smile and I loved it.

Last night, in these twelve tiny steps, I was able to take a giant leap of faith that this time will be different - these rainbows are coming home.

P.S. Today marks Bedrest Day 90 - ugh.


  1. her empty room makes me cry, my uncle offered to paint and remodel Ella's room and turn it back into the office..but I just couldnt do it..the thought of it literally made me sick..
    I am slo glad you are feeling positive about your snowflakes, I am excited for you to have happy,healthy babies that you get to bring home..xoxo

  2. Oh Kristin, I am so glad you are feeling so positive about the snowflakes. I am always so thrilled when I read good news here.

  3. I am so happy that you were able to take that leap. After losing my son over 2 years ago and getting pregnant shortly after I too felt hesitant about buying things for the new baby. That feeling you have that the snowflakes will be a good one. With my son that passed I felt I always had a feeling something wasnt going to be...then when I got pregnant with his baby brother it felt totally different. It felt like he was actually going to make it here. Embrace that feeling and hang onto it. I love seeing good news on here. I have prayed and prayed for you and your husband! I am beyond happy for you both!

    Love and hugs!

  4. Your positive outlook is truly inspiring. So glad you are feeling positive about your little ones.

  5. what a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful post. i believe your snowflakes are coming home, too, and this gives me hope for my own future rainbow...

  6. Hooray for those positive thoughts, yes snowflakes will be home in no time.
    Seeing Peyton's room, just tugs at my heart but I know there is so much love in that room that no matter what happens to it it will always be hers.
    I just bought my first baby item this weekend too, I was so scared but I needed to it. Our babes WILL come home to us.
    90 days--poor you : ( 26 weeks, that is awesome.

  7. Beautiful post... I'm praying for your sweet little snowflakes to come home and use those sweet little fuzzibunz. Hugz.

  8. So glad you're feeling so positive! I'm feeling very positive for you too! Can't wait to see those snowflakes and share some sheer joy with you! 90 days, ugh, you must be whipped, but all for good reason you continue to tell yourself, but I know it's not fun! Keep up the good work mommy and your boy and girl joys will be here soon!!!

  9. Congrats on 26 weeks! :)

    I COMPLETELY understand about Peyton's room. I am sure as you have read through my blog you have come to know my extrem deep attachment to Janessa's room. The one she never entered as well. If we had another spare room my choice would have been to use that one instead. It took me months & months & months of mental preparation to be able to move forward on getting things prepared for her brother in there. In fact some of her items are still in the room regardless of the painting because I cannot get myself to remove them.

    I know what a huge step making that purchase was. I have only made 2 & he'll be here in 3 1/2 weeks. Its a big step emotionally. I am so happy to hear you enjoyed shopping for the snowflakes. To know you were smiling makes me smile!

    Cannot wait for playdates! :)

  10. 26 weeks is awesome! I see the love for Peyton in her room... it's beautiful as is Peyton. I am happy that you are hopeful for the snowflakes and congratulations on the purchase. Hang in there and know there are a lot of people rooting for you.

  11. I cried when I read this - only becuase I am in the same boat. I don't have another room to fill - just the one that was once supposed to be Josephs. So we wait - and hope but have not yet dove in to make that room our new babies "own" it sits and I pass it knowing that something has to be changed. Maybe when this guy comes home... we will do it then - Glad you bought some diapers!

  12. We didn't have any other available room in our home so Paisley will use Mackenzie's nursery, but we dedicated a small wall in the room to Mackenzie and put up her initials and a picture of her and will eventually add some ladybug stuff, etc. I'm glad you had another room to use because it definitely was hard to redecorate. I'm so happy that you felt sure enough to make a purchase for the snowflakes. I was superstituous like that too. There are many things my mom bought me against my will because she knew I'd need them but I was too scared to buy them myself because I thought it would jinx me. Don't stress too much about getting things ready because I didn't do everything I did to prepare for Mackenzie to get ready for Paisley's arrival but we are doing just fine :)

  13. I completely understand. Time is flying by and I have yet decided how to "change" the nursery for this little one. It is the only room we have for them. I know it has to be done but it breaks my heart to think of doing it.

    26 weeks already? You are doing good.

  14. Omg!!! I´m so happy for you and your snowflakes, sending tons of love from Colombia! Marcela.

  15. The pictures of her room made me lose it. We did not get a single thing ready for our rainbow baby before he came. He slept in a cradle next to our bed for ages until his room was finally finished. So many people could not understand why we could not get ready for him. You have to do what you have to do to get by and it sounds like you are doing just fine. Those babies will have all they need when they need it. Congratulations on 90 days and diaper buying!

  16. I'm so happy you are 26 weeks and feeling more positive! I don't blame you for leaving Peyton's room set up since you have another room for the twins. Still praying for you, dear.xoxoxo

  17. May those gorgeous diapers (nappies where I come from!) get soiled many, many times over ;)
    Sending love and huge belly rubs to those precious babies.

  18. Cried and cried reading this....we have two other rooms that could have very easily been turned into nurseries for Luke...and yet John just could NOT bring himself to go through any of that again...just months after completely renovating Matthew's room into his nursery. And he just basically begged me to be ok with using Matthew's room for Luke...he was not only emotional but rational---of the three guest rooms we could have chosen for Matthew, we chose the one we did for SUCH purpose. It had the best would be the best for was the best temperature and had the best timing for the sun up/down. It was just MEANT to be the nursery...and we'd decided that even before we got pregnant with Matthew and thought we were adopting an Emma...

    So though emotionally, John didn't have the energy and practically, we SPECIFICALLY chose that room for the nursery before Matthew was ever even thought to be a hurt. And still does just a bit every time I go in and work on things for Luke.

    Peyton's room being the same as when she died resonated so much with me--just holding you close as you move to the days where you'll be changing it...deciding what to do with things...purposing it for other things. I will say prayers for your peace.

    SO happy for you buying the FB!!!!! I know it was a big leap, but so excited to know you did!!!!

  19. Pictures of Peyton's nursery, I can defiantly understand the untouched look. We'll since the day Jeremy and I came home from Seattle empty handed...I haven't touched anything that we brought home in bags...i.e- blankets and clothes...ect.
    I'm so glad you are enjoying your snowflakes as best you can. I have thought they will come home ever since you announced you were pregnant. :-)

  20. This is a big step getting the dipes! (And hope you like the FB BTW ;) )

    I don't blame you for keeping Peyton's room hers and having a new nursery for the snowflakes.

  21. so glad for your steps in buying the fuzzibunz and your outlook on the snowflakes...those are the moments to hold on to. there is time to adjust the room for them when you guys feel ready. xoxo

  22. Good for you for that hugs steps! That's beautiful.

    We always referred to the room that became Maya's room as Nicholas & Sophia's room. It was made for them... With so much love... It just "was". The same is true for the nursery. That was always "Alexander's Room". It was nice being able to feel the kids in their rooms too, even though they never physically slept there.

  23. I understand your reservations all too well. When I was first pregnant after my son died, I tried to order diapers and just couldn't finish the process. I logged off and starting considering what I would differently for a funeral. I bought an outfit to take my second baby home in about a week before she was born. I walked into Babies R Us, picked something out, paid for it, walked out and promptly started crying.

    I didn't have the option of not using our existing nursery, but getting it ready for my daughter was a tough process. I ended up sorting through things more than once because I could only do so much the first time. When you are ready, take your time, have someone supportive with you, and know it might not happen all at once.

    How wonderful you were able to take the leap of faith with the diaper purchase. Best wishes

  24. I came here this morning not intending to cry, but the empty room and all the baby things burns me to the core. I spent alot of time in the garage after Henry's death wailing, surrounded by baby things. I wanted to die. I know that grief, that intense sadness at being surrounded by possibility, and the inability to accept that they are not coming back.
    so much love to you

  25. The love you feel for Peyton is inspiring. You are such a good mommy to her and I know your precious twins will be thoroughly loved.
    I am glad you were able to take a step in the direction of having hope again.

  26. This is beautiful ... both in the way that you love Peyton, and in your big step forward today.

  27. Congrats on 26 weeks! My OB is pretty confident that I will be on strict bed rest for the second half of my next pregnancy, so I'm enjoying reading your blog now as you experience it before me. It doesn't sound fun, but it seems like all the more reason to have a blog :) I only lost my daughter 6 weeks ago, but my husband and I agreed right away that we were never going to touch a thing in her nursery. We worry about what it would be like to have a boy next, because we don't have another nursery space and boxing up her stuff would hurt. I like being able to go in there and be surrounded by all the things we bought for her, its my biggest reminder of her life with us.