Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I'll never be okay with this.

If you are looking for a positive or uplifting post, you have come to the wrong place.

Four years ago today, Peyton's suffering ended and my suffering began. 

I would like to say that loving and losing Peyton made me a better or stronger person. I would love to bask in gratitude for all of the lessons she taught me, or feel joy that she is with Jesus. There are a lot of beautiful ways I would love to be able to spin this in my mind, but the reality is that four years ago today my child struggled for her final breaths in my arms.

I will likely never be okay with that. 

I am angry and hurt. I am sad and bitter. I walk a line between feeling incredibly blessed and grateful for the joys in my everyday life, joys that I know Peyton worked hard to bring me, and feeling an immense amount of sorrow over how incredibly robbed she was. Of life. Of joy. Of growing up. Of everything.

Peyton never even felt the sun on her face. She never breathed fresh air. 

She was born into a world where she gave only love, and knew only pain.

I guess four years is not long enough to blunt my anger at that.


  1. I don't think 20 years or 60 years or any years we're living without our children are enough to blunt the anger.

    Thinking of you always, but especially today <3

  2. Four years is a blip in time, it's nothing, unyet it feels like forever. Peyton is often thought of with love here. It's not enough I know. I'm so sorry. x

  3. I don't think she knew only pain. She knew you and she knew your love. You and your husband were there for her and with her.

    Abiding with you...xoxox

  4. Thinking of you today. It is impossible to be positive and uplifting all of the time when you have had to live through your child dying. I don't think I will ever be ok with what Finley went through either.

    Lots of love and hugs,

  5. I have read your blog for a long while now. I am so very sorry about your beautiful daughter.
    My niece's little boy had leukemia as well and lived for 28 days also. He went home to be with God in August of this year.
    My heart grieves for you.

  6. Kristen,
    My heart truly hurts for you, As mother's who have lost children it is a terrible burden to carry and no amount of time can help it. I know with Skylar what should have been the best day of our lives turned into a living nightmare. Thinking of Peyton and your family.

  7. I agree with JW Moxie. Peyton did know your love but I know that these words do not make the pain go away-no words or time will ever dull the ache. As you stated, no matter how many positive ways we spin it, our children are still gone and we face that every day.

    I hate when people try to make me feel better by pointing out things that they think are good or positive that have happened since the loss of my daughter. I understand they are trying to make me feel better but I think in my head, "yeah, that may be true, but I'd rather her be here than for X to have occured." Our children have taught us lessons and while they are happy with Jesus in Heaven, I don't care-I would much rather have her back with me.

    Hugs to you on this day.


  8. thinking of you and sweet peyton today. hugs.

  9. It's always a horrible situation when that happens.

  10. I feel your anger so intensely myself...I'm hate that we have to feel that way...and I expect we always will...I have no other words of comfort or happiness...just know that I also am grieving the loss of two beautiful little boys as well as your beautiful Peyton, please feel free to contact me at any time.

  11. I know that nothing will take away your hurt. I completely agree that she was robbed. It is not fair. It will never be fair. It makes my heart hurt for you. I love to see pictures of Peyton. She's gorgeous! Love and hugs.

  12. Oh the pain of it. In one week it will be 5 years for me and I can hardly stand the unfairness of it all. Thinking of you and little Peyton today and always. Sending a million hugs.

  13. She was absolutely robbed- this is what I struggle with so very much myself.

  14. Oh sweet Peyton Elizabeth. I'm terribly sorry, beautiful little girl. It's so unfair and impossible to understand.

    I agree with JW, I don't think she knew only pain. I think she experienced the love of her parents who were with her throughout her life and who loved her so xo

  15. there is no "getting over" such a tragic loss. anyone who suggests otherwise simply has no idea what they're talking about.

    remembering your sweet girl today and sending you all some love.

  16. Yup. It is okay to be angry!!! Hugs to you, darlin.

  17. Sending my love. I'm not sure I'll ever be OK with our little girl dying before she had a chance to live either. Xx

  18. Peyton knew your love, oh I'm so sure that she did.

    She is such a beautiful girl and it's impossibly unfair and always will be.

    Sending love and thinking of your sweet Peyton.


  19. Stumbled upon your blog when I was looking for ideas for the cemetery for Christmas. Our son died 7 weeks ago tomorrow.

    Peyton is doing all those things and more in heaven with our lord. There is a school of thought that, since heaven is outside time, we may even get to raise tear precious babies we lost when we get to heaven. She is experiencing immense joy in heaven, joy that we can't even fathom here on earth. And she can pray for you. Those prayers are powerful.

    We all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way. Lean on The Lord. He is your strength.


  20. Dearest Kristin - my heart is with you & your family. I know that four years isn't long enough to grieve - nor is 40. Until the day we die, we will remember our sweet babies who suffered and left too soon. I wish I could say something astounding and philosophical to take away your pain, but I can't. There are no such words. Just know I send my love to you and remember Peyton with you. xoxo

  21. My heartfelt sympathy for you and for your family. Nothing can take away the pain and nothing can take away the memories you have, the good and the painful. I agree, there is no way to cover the pain and accept that its ok for this to have happened. My thoughts are with you tonight.

  22. I lost my grandaughter 3 years and 5 months ago. In April she would be four. My sweet Chloe lived 7 days. Not only do i grieve her every day but for my daughter too. I understand the feelings you post here and have not blogged about my sweet Chloe yet. I just started a blog a few weeks ago and am drafting things in my heart. Hopefully I can share as boldly and transparent as you do. I dont know you personally but send love and prayers.

  23. I'm so angry and never will be ok with Zachery being gone, right along with you. Thinking of you and your beautiful Peyton with you Kristin, big hugs my friend.

  24. I am so angry and will never be ok with Zachery being gone, right along with you. Always remembering your beautiful Peyton with you my friend, big hugs.