Tuesday, September 4, 2012

To Peyton, On Your Fourth Birthday


Today should be your fourth birthday. I imagine you here, brown curls, blue eyes. This year feels so different, or maybe the wave just hasn't come for me yet. I am sitting here, next to the light that you have been turning on for me all week, thinking about how amazing and strong in spirit you are to continuously find ways to remind us of how connected we are. How can I feel anything but joy, love, and appreciation for that? You make me so proud.

It feels like Daddy and I have every ball up in the air right now, juggling a million decisions at once, but I know in my heart that no matter where they land, no matter where we land, you will be right there guiding us.

Some days I miss you so much I can taste the mint of your hospital room in my mouth. I can feel your head on that heavy place in my chest. I nearly believe that if I reach out just far enough, you will be there reaching back. I am learning to live with the fact that you won't. I am learning to accept a life of never again getting to cuddle and hug you. It's hard. It's always hard. It always will be hard.

Some mornings I hear your brother and sister laughing in their room, and like to imagine you in there whispering little jokes in their ears, or singing them songs. Maybe you are.

Squeaks reached out for your picture the other day. I explained to her that you are her "big, little sister." She just laughed. I promise you that I will raise your siblings knowing how amazing you are.

Peyton, there are so many things I wish could have been different. So many things I wish I had done differently. So many scenarios that I play, and replay in my mind, just searching for the one that would have saved you. I wish I could have, baby.

Daddy, Bubba, Squeaks and I are going to be sending lanterns up to you tonight. Will you look for them, baby girl? Will you feel the heat of my hugs in their flame? I hope so.

I love you my sweet forever-baby girl.

I will never stop wondering why you had to go.
I will never stop feeling grateful to have had you to love.

Happy Birthday.


Peyton Elizabeth 
First. Loved. Always.


September 4th is here already. 

To honor what would have been Peyton's 4th birthday, we are doing a Gift Card Drive to benefit families with critically ill infants at Connecticut Children's Medical Center. From Sept. 4th (the day she was born) through Oct. 2nd (the day she passed) we will be collecting gift cards to the following establishments:

*Dunkin Donuts 
*Shop Rite, Stop and Shop, Walmart, Target, Price Chopper, etc.
*Gift Cards to Area Gas Stations (Sunoco, Shell, Valero, Getty, Gulf, Mobil, BP) 

These gift card donations are tax deductible. Please provide us with your address and keep your receipt.

Gift cards of any amount would be greatly appreciated and can be mailed to:
Doing Good In Her Name
P.O. Box 1281
Burlington, CT 06013.


  1. Happy fourth birthday beautiful Peyton. Love to you momma.

  2. We miss you, beautiful Peyton. Sending you love, my dear friend.

  3. Happy 4th birthday Peyton!!! Big hugs to you Mama!

  4. MISS YOU PEYTON! Always in my my thoughts - you and your beautiful family left behind. Hugs to the rest of you. Sending love, hugs and support.

  5. This is so beautiful, my friend. Missing Peyton with you. Amazing mother, you are, to all three of your babies. Love you. xo

  6. I love that your twins actively get to know Peyton as they grow. They have a big little sister that is waiting to meet them one day but until then you cultivate a love for her in their hearts. Hugs- Remembering Peyton with you~

  7. Thinking of you. Wishing you birthday warmth in spite of your beautiful girls absence. I'm so sorry she isn't with you.

  8. Happy Birthday Peyton.

    Hope the day passed peacefully for you. I'm sure your sweet girl will feel your warmth and love in those lanterns.

    Lots of love,

  9. Happy birthday, sweetheart. <3

  10. So beautiful. I hope your day was peaceful. Happy Birthday, Peyton!

  11. Such a beautiful letter. I am sorry she isn't here with you. I hope you were able to find some peace in today. I know things are crazy.
    Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Happy 4th birthday baby girl!!

  12. Sending love, Peyton is always remembered. Happy Birthday beautiful girl. x

  13. Love to your little Peyton and warm thoughts to you as you mark her anniversaries.

  14. What happened? Why he on hospital bed? But many many wishes for birthday. Happy Birthday. I wish you will live a long.

  15. Remembering Peyton with you! Happy birthday, sweet girl. Love to you...