Always Something

When the Snowflakes were just a few weeks old, Bubba developed colic. He would writhe and scream at all hours of the night, and we were ready to pull our hair out. The Ped told me that, in all likelihood, he had a milk protein sensitivity, which is very common in babies under one and usually something they outgrow, and that I should cut all dairy out of my diet and see if it made a difference. The relief was nearly immediate. Within a week's time, our house was colic free.

A few months later, Bubba developed a rash all over his body. We went to the Ped and blood work was ordered. It was an extremely scary time, as you may recall from my post "24 Hours In Hell". The bloodwork came back clear (THANK YOU JESUS!) and we were told that the rash could be a virus or could be eczema. It turned out to be the latter.

I have tried everything to bring the boy relief. Cut dairy, soy and wheat from my diet for 6 months. Used calendula cream, and Aquaphor, and dressed him in cotton. Made sure not to allow him to overheat. Worked to find a balance between bathing him too often to where he would dry out, and not often enough, where his skin would grow aggravated.

At his six month appointment, the Ped told me that I could try re-introducing dairy, wheat and soy into my diet. I did and the boy was fine. No reaction. He still had eczema but it wasn't any better or worse based on what I had eaten. Seeing this, the Ped told me last month that Bubba had probably outgrown his milk protein sensitivity, and I could try yogurt.

I gave it to both babies. Squeaks gobbled it up and was fine. Bubba ate two bites, and his eyes swelled shut. His body was immediately covered in hives. I called the Ped (it was after hours) and the nurse on call told me to give him Benedryl. I was shaking. And scared out of my mind. His reaction was getting worse by the minute. Thank God I repeated her instructions back to her, because she had said a half teaspoon, and I heard it as two teaspoons, and could have killed him. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, repeat back what they tell you in an emergency situation.

The next day I called an allergist and today we finally got in to be seen.

So here it is.

Bubba is severely, and I mean SEVERELY, allergic to dairy. The allergist told me all sorts of scary stuff today, like that if I drink a cup of coffee with milk, and then kiss him, that I could cause him to have a reaction. He wants me to introduce him to peanut butter and eggs immediately, because he is very likely to develop an allergy to these two things, given his history, if we wait. I guess the idea is to cut that allergy off at the pass, by exposing him to those things before he has an issue with them. He was tested for those and came back negative.

I was given a DVD about what to do in an emergency, and a "practice" epi-pen to show anyone who comes to watch the babies. Later today I will go to the pharmacy and have his prescription for the epi's filled.

I'm trying really, REALLY, hard not to be freaked out by this. I already live in a world where I worry (too much) about people touching the babies without washing their hands, for fear that they could get sick. Now, having to be a watchdog over who may or may not have touched dairy, and having to worry about whether they might touch or kiss him before washing, is, I am sure, just going to make me that much more neurotic.

It's hard enough as it is, when parenting after loss, to keep perceived threats in perspective. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, this ain't so bad. But it seems like there is always something keeping me on high alert. It would be nice to be able to relax. To just be.

But then I wonder-
once you've lost a child, is "just being" even possible?