Some days are hard.
Really hard.
Embarrassingly hard.
Some days make you feel like a complete fool for having thought that nothing could ever exhaust you after all you had been through.
After all you had seen.
After loss.
Some days it feels like you are giving it everything you have and then some.
100%.
And you just need a minute.
And then that, just that mere thought that you need a minute to yourself, makes you feel like an ingrate.
Like, how dare you?
You have this chance.
This opportunity.
You have been blessed!
How dare you complain about anything trivial?
You've lost that right.
Some days are a wrestling match from beginning to end.
Because there are two of them.
And one of you.
And even though they are happy, and healthy, and smiley... sometimes they can also be a handful.
Some days are like today, and you don't know how you made it to bedtime because you are just spent.
And you think, My gosh. Will tomorrow be like this too?
But then there is that moment.
When they look up at you with those big blue eyes.
And they smile.
And in that moment you know...
That tomorrow is another day.
A new day.
Tomorrow you can start fresh.
At being the best mom that you can be.
At being the best you that you can be.
Some days take a toll on you,
but in their smiles you can see the truth -
that tomorrow you will find your way.
Hang in there. I have immense empathy here, although the sources of our "some days" are very different. I was enlightened to discover today that sometimes we grow strong by fighting: the tears, the inevitable, everybody else, and even ourselves. And other times we grow even stronger by accepting defeat and loving ourselves a little more for it, because we will always be fighters, and we will always stay strong. And most people will only see the tip of the iceberg of our strength. I hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteAMEN! When my daughter smiles it erases HOURS of screaming and crying! Bless you and be gentle on yourself! :) Trey's Mommy
ReplyDeleteThe truth is, You Have Been Blessed and Some Days Will Be Hard. That is life and there is nothing wrong with recognizing the whole truth. Being blessed has never guaranteed things will be easy. But the blessing makes it easier to deal with the hard. Love seeing pictures of the snowflakes!
ReplyDeletei think, though, that you KNOW, even those difficult, challenging, want-to-pull-your-hair-out moments are themselves a blessing as well. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteJust because you've been blessed does NOT mean you can't acknowledge or even bitch about the hard days.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post, so true and so honest and something we all experience.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kristen above.Though I still find it hard to have a little moan because I'm so blessed despite everything.
ReplyDeleteThose blue eyes make up for so much though don't they?
Don't beat yourself up. You are HUMAN and you will have bad days, and they are to be expected. Just remember you have been through he** and you have survived. Your snowflakes are your reward and you are doing a GREAT job of being the best Mommy to your precious babies.
ReplyDeleteTake care and hang in there. Love and Peace Leah's nana
I've never had a rainbow baby because I've never lost a child but I have always thought one very challenging part of experiencing a rainbow baby would be a feeling that you have lost the right to complain about how hard it can be.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have a son with Asperger's and our daughter has had cancer so we have known some difficulty. But parenting can absolutely kick my ass sometimes. I have found that when I can say this out loud... to a trusted friend, or through my writing it makes it easier. My husband doesn't do this. He never complains out loud and I can tell you that ultimately I handle things better because of that outlet.
If I couldn't ever scream that OH MY GOD MY CHILDREN ARE ACTING LIKE BEASTS sometimes I might go insane.
Or feel alone.
Because it is in the acknowledging that even though they are the most precious best things to ever happen to me, some days I want to run away, that we find we aren't the only ones who feel this way and that alone can give us strength to face the next day.
I can relate so much to this post.
ReplyDeleteI feel like my losses have given me a lot of perspective. They have given me the abillity to look at my situation and be thankful and hopeful in the face of really difficult days.
I have two wonderful kids that are 16 months apart. My husband is 3 months into a 7 month deployment where we have very little contact. There are days where I just want to crawl under my bed and sob my eyes out because I am all by myself and struggling to be a good mom.
But then I imagine this deployment without these two blessings. I know what it is like to lose. My losses have taught me a life lesson that encourages me to move forward and get through another day.
You are doing a great job! You WILL get through the days and your babies are lucky to have you as a mother.
I love this. Thank you. You are awesome!
ReplyDelete...some days...I know the feeling.
ReplyDeleteIt's a long journey. I feel blessed 99% of the days, and I know your Rainbows are everything to you.
Um yes!? I totally get the feeling of guilt when that feeling of being overwhelmed hits. You have not lost that right, even though it feels that way. This is such a beautiful post Kristin, thank you for your honesty!! Xo
ReplyDeleteTook me a long time to admit that it was ok to feel overwhelmed with having a new baby (or babies in your case!) and that even though I'd suffered terrible loss, I was allowed to complain once in a while. We're all only human.
ReplyDeleteThe twins are so lucky you are their mama.
xo
I'm sure that having two is beyond hard at times. I totally understand if you need a minute. Hang in there....things will be hard but you know you will always have support. Thinking of you,
ReplyDeleteFelicia