Where I am at.

I've been missing Peyton a lot lately.
Missing her whenever there is the calm and the stillness to go there.

After the middle of the night feeding, when the babies are back in their cribs and hubs rolls over to sleep, I think of her. I wonder if she is happy for us. Or feeling neglected.

I think about how I want to get rid of the bag of her clothes one moment, and to clutch them to me the next. I still - 3 plus years later - am stuck on those clothes. I don't know how much of it is a realistic fear of the chemo on them, and how much is just a PTSD avoidance thing. Whatever the root of it, they sit in the same plastic bag they came  home in. Untouched in the corner of what was her room. They are the gatekeeper to my converting it to a writing space.

I think of her when I glance at her picture in our living room. She stares at me with big blue eyes. My Snowflakes have never even once had the look in their eyes that she was born with. That wisdom. It is a blessing that they haven't. I am sure she knew.

I feel her in every aspect of my parenting. I love more fully because of her. I am afraid of EVERYTHING because of her. I worry about what taking my children here or there might expose them to. Who might be there that could get them sick. Or if another child might have a bottle of milk with them, or some milk something on their hands, and cause Bubba to have an allergic reaction.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

I used to fantasize about how nice it would be to have a living child to take to the library for story hour, and here I have two, and can't seem to bring myself to go. I am not sure how, but I really hope to let some of that fear go before they are old enough to feel restricted by it. I don't want to be the helicopter parent that circumstances and loss have led me to be. Or at the very least, I don't want them to feel hovered over.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Fun with Babies - 10 months

Thought it would be fun to change it up a bit and do a post about what we have been up to.

The snowflakes are now ten months old, and cruising. With the weather being so cold we haven't been able to spend much time outside, so we have been trying new things to keep little hands and minds occupied.

A few weeks ago I started doing a treasure basket for the kids where I remove the rest of their "usual" toys from babyland, and when they get up from their nap, they find a basket waiting for them to explore.

Here is what we have in today's treasure basket:

 Puffs container full of colorful ribbons

 Large knob puzzle pieces for little hands

2 Red Solo Cups filled with Melissa and Doug Wooden toys and a B Toys teether

2 Discovery Bottles with red ribbon, multi-colored puffs, pasta, and a shimmery pipe cleaner. They really love shaking and twirling these to see what is inside.  

Make sure lids are secure/glued.

Board Book

Fabric Rattle

Mini Tupperware with fun treasures inside

Tupperware full of bright wood blocks

Bottle with fabric and socks for little hands to pull through hole in lid

Red wooden ball with a hole

Plastic lid.

Finished product. 

Let's see what they think...

All-in-All a Big Success!

Disgusted!!

I am disgusted.
Absolutely disgusted!

And dismayed.

Disturbed.
Angered.

Today I came across this article.

It told me that despite my best efforts to protect my children from carcinogens, I have failed them.

We eat only organic foods.

I won't let my children within ten feet of a cellphone.
Don't allow wireless internet in my home.

Don't use chemicals on my lawn or in our house.

We play primarily with wood toys PROVEN to be free of lead paint. Any plastic toys are BPA, lead, and phlalate free.

I spent $130 on a bamboo playmat to keep them from breathing in the toxins known to off-gas from the much cheaper (and easier to come by) foam mats.

My kids do not, and WILL NOT, eat anything containing Red Dye #40, Blue #2, Yellow #5.

I am vigilant.
Informed.

So imagine my disgust - my absolute disgust, to read that not one, not two, but THREE products that my children use or used regularly have been found to contain frighteningly high levels of the fire retardent TDCPP - a chemical that was banned in the 1970's from pajamas, because they knew back then that it caused cancer.

A chemical that is also a known hormone disruptor.

Imagine my disgust when I read that the My Brest Friend breastfeeding pillow was coated in it.

A fucking breastfeeding pillow!
Are you kidding me?!

Are there THAT MANY irresponsible and moronic mothers smoking a cigarette WHILE breastfeeding their child that it needs to be sprayed in fire retardent chemicals?

Imagine how I felt to learn that the Arm's Reach mini co-sleeper that my twins spent their first six months of life sleeping at least part of the night in was coated in it.

My Graco Snugride carseats.

I want to scream.

More than that, I want to march into Arm's Reach, Graco, and My Brest Friend, grab their CEO's by the collar and yell "SHAME ON YOU!"

I want to sit them down and force them to hear every horrific detail of what cancer does to a baby. To walk them through every painful moment of Peyton's life. Shove the REALITY of what these chemicals could possibly do in their irresponsible faces.

I am sick to death of carcinogens being taken lightly. Sick to death of hearing, "everything causes cancer."

And what?
That's somehow okay?!

We are supposed to just accept that even though natural alternatives are available, it is somehow acceptable practice to use carcinogens on these products just because "everything causes cancer"?

How dare a company that makes it's bread and butter on infant products, INFANT PRODUCTS! knowingly be exposing these children to these chemicals?

California statutes set the standard for the whole country. They require that products meet certain flammability thresholds, yet irresponsibly do NOTHING when the retardants being used to meet these thresholds are dangerous, and carcinogenic.

I have contacted these companies by twitter.
@cosleep
@mybrestfriend
@gracobaby

I have written to my Senator.

Something needs to change.

We need to stop putting dollar signs before child safety. Period!

On Being Human - In Under 200 Words

If I come across one more story or cruel comment attacking The Duggars and Santorums for how they handled the impossible situation of losing their babies, I am going to scream. 

There is something very wrong with a society that places time and age qualifications on when a child is "worthy" of the love and grief of its parents. I am beyond fortunate that I had a month with Peyton, but you can bet your life that if I had lost her after six months in my body, or two hours on this earth, I would have loved and missed her no less.

I don't give a flying fig where anyone sits on the religious/political spectrum. To me this is simply a matter of showing a basic level of decency to a fellow human being. When you alter the amount of compassion that you show a person who has suffered the worst kind of loss, that of their child, simply to discredit their political or religious views, you have sort of missed the point on what it is to be human.

Under the Weather

Sad to report that we are all under the weather here.
That's why no blogging as of late.
Spent the end of last year and the beginning of this year wiping boogies, and dealing with some nasty coughs.

We got hit with the stomach bug - nasty cold, one-two punch.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)