On Bedrest, Viability, Stresses, and Blessings

This past Sunday marked 22 weeks in my pregnancy. My little snowflakes are mere weeks away from viability now, and though my desire is for them to stay in there as long as they can (preferably 36-37 weeks so that I can deliver them naturally before my scheduled c-section at 38) the knowledge that something could be done for them in the next few weeks, has me mentally counting down the next 12 days until they reach that milestone.

I never did this type of countdown to viability with Peyton. I just assumed with Peyton that all would be well, and my pregnancy coasted along rather smoothly. At forty two weeks, after my second induction had failed, Peyton came into this world via c-section. I truly believe she would have stayed in there forever if I had let her, and sometimes I wish I had. Inside of me she was protected, my body provided for her what her own could not, and I truly believe that the happiest moments of her life were those spent in my womb.

With my snowflakes, I have been sort of forced to take the possibility that I may not reach the 36+ week mark into consideration. With any multiple pregnancy, the likelihood is a little higher for not going fully to term, and when you compound that with the fact that this SCH predisposes me to premature rupture of membranes and pre-term labor, you end up with this perfect storm of worry that has prompted this big count down.

Just this week, two woman on my SCH support board have gone into early labor (one whose OB told her the night before that her SCH had fully resolved), and it scares the life out of me. These women were just 22 weeks and change, and barely 25 weeks along, and their stories make it feel as if reaching that point of viability cannot come soon enough.

Though full of many, many blessings, this whole pregnancy has been pretty complicated. My issues with the bleed in my uterus continue, and though I have not actively bled in a while (thank God!) my last ultrasound showed that the SCH had grown a bit. Three weeks ago it had gone down to 5.5cm which was great news, but last week grew to 7.9cmx3.5cm - so roughly a little over 3 inches by a little over 1 inch, and though my Peri told me she was pleased with the size, seeing as how 7.9cm is only 1.1cm from the size my SCH was at the time of my first "big bleed," I didn't find a whole lot of comfort in that number.

As of this weekend, I have hit the 2.5 month mark of being on bedrest, and have come to terms with the fact that it what it is - a necessary means to an end. Bedrest is kinda boring, kinda mentally exhausting, but necessary so there is no point in fighting it. Every few weeks I will have a day where I want to get out of my house and run down the street, or go up Peyton's hill, or pick up groceries, or do any of the things that I feel physically capable of doing, but I can't, and I just have to cope with the reality that laying around like a lump all day every day is what is best for my babies, and move on.

Things have also gotten a bit more complicated this last month because I have developed some fairly annoying cardiac issues. For about six weeks my heart has been racing on and off as I lay here, with my resting rate having long spells of being between 120-130. I went to the cardiologist who told me that laying down causes the blood in my heart to pool, and when that pool pushes through my heart, that causes the rapid heart rate. He put me on a 48 hour holter monitor and the very morning the holter monitor went back, my heart went into arrythmia, and has pretty much stayed there since. There are long 2-3 second pauses in my heart beat every 4 beats or so, and while the doctor has promised me it is not affecting the snowflakes, the sickening feeling it gives me (like that of having a panic attack or someone stepping on your throat) makes me feel anxious, even when I am not. This is making "relaxing" a little harder to do because I constantly feel unable to breathe and like my heart is a cement mixer tumbling around in my chest.

I sound rather geriatric don't I?
But that's okay.

I constantly remind myself that this is all temporary, and in four months time will reap a huge payoff, and somehow thinking about it that way helps.

I got an email from a friend the other day where she was talking about some of the worries she is feeling about being pregnant after loss. In it she said something really beautiful, and regardless of our given situations right now, I think it's a bit of advice we can all use. She said that she could feel stressed, or she could feel blessed, and she was opting to feel blessed.

I have been reminding myself of these words a great deal the last few days. Yes it is not ideal to be having all of these health issues, and yes bedrest is a bore, but I am blessed, so blessed, with two little snowflakes that have decided to kick and punch and let me know day and night that they are here and they are thriving. I have a lot to feel stressed about, but I also have a lot to feel blessed about - so, like my friend, I am going to (try) to go for that.

Here is my latest belly bump pic taken last week. I have some fairly recent ultrasound shots, too, that I just need to get uploaded, so hopefully they will appear in a post sooner than later.

Again, I am putting lots of space here for anyone for whom this might be a trigger. Sending love out to all my fellow infertiles who are trying for their own bumps, and my fellow babylost mommas still waiting on their rainbows. I pray that this happens for you all sooner than later.
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Reflecting On My Journey Through Infertility

Last Spring, I stumbled upon a video about infertility entitled "What IF?"

At the time when I first saw it, we were knee deep in grief over Peyton and had been trying desperately for nearly 9 months, without success, to achieve another pregnancy. The previous December, I had gotten the news that an infection from my c-section had left both of my tubes scarred beyond any usefulness, and that my only option, and not a guaranteed option at that, was IVF.

I was in shock.

For over a year after Peyton's birth I had complained to my doctor that I wasn't ovulating or menstruating. When she gave us the green light to try again last June, and I failed to conceive, I knew something was wrong. Through it all, my OB explained my infertility away as the result of me "grieving too hard." "If you don't get over this," she would tell me, "you will never get pregnant."

Lying alone and half naked on a steel table at the hospital, my unresponsive tubes glaring down at me from a monitor overhead, a sympathetic doctor delivered to me the news that I would never again be able to conceive on my own. "There is no justice in this world," she told me, taking a deep breath, and as she did, any last shred of hope that I had held onto for a family of my own, flowed out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

In that moment: grief stricken and infertile - I felt my life was over.

Discovering that I had lost my fertility after losing my only child undid several months of healing, and brought a million questions to my mind. Hard questions. Painful questions.

Was I still a woman if I couldn't conceive?
Was I still a mother if my only child was dead?
Was I still a Catholic if I was willing to pursue IVF when the church is so strongly against it?
Was I still a wife if I couldn't give my husband a family?
Were we still a couple if making love could never create a life?

For someone who just a year and a half prior had been a confident 28 year old, with a promising career, thriving social life, happy marriage, and first child on the way - the downward spiral of those 18 months took me to the darkest depths of my life. Everything I believed would be suddenly felt like a lie, and the truths that I was facing were hard to swallow:

I had lost our child.
I had lost our fertility.
I had lost our hopes.

That's not a typo. I HAD LOST these things, or at least that's how I felt. In my mind, the blame for all of our losses and failures, were mine and mine alone.

I don't know why I always viewed hubs in a different light than myself. In many ways, I saw him as a victim in all this. He had married me and I had failed to hold up my end of the bargain.

Maybe it was because our IF issues were with my body?
Maybe it was because when he proposed he told me he wanted to "grow old together and have lots and lots of children," and the realization I couldn't give him that made me pity him for staying with me?
Maybe it was because I was Peyton's mother, and our miscarried baby's mother, and mothers always blame themselves.

All I know is that when I stumbled across this video, it struck a deep chord with me. I had, for months, been asking myself many of the same questions posed in the video.

What IF I lost my sense of self to my infertility?
What IF I lost my sexiness to infertility?
What IF I lost my spouse to infertility?

What IF?
What IF?
What IF?

Today I was looking around on the internet, and once again came across this video. As I did, the tears came, but they were different somehow. Today I cried tears of gratitude. Though I had felt so sure just six months ago that infertility would beat me, today I realized that I have beaten infertility.

It took over a year of trying, months of hormone injections, the pain of twisting an ovary, Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, 4 weeks of bed rest for the Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, the heartbreak of learning our first cycle had failed, many, many, MANY hours of therapy to deal with the above mentioned feelings, facing a second cycle after failing the first with no explanation, a bleed that has kept me on bed rest since week 12 and in all likelihood will continue to keep me bed ridden for the next 20 or so weeks, tens of thousands of dollars, countless tears, fears and anxieties, and all the emotions that go into having a high risk pregnancy after loss, but I am here - pregnant - full of hope - and very grateful.

I guess that is why I am writing this post. To let others on their own infertility journey know that I get it. I have been there, at the bottom, the very bottom. I have questioned every aspect of myself, my worth, and my life. I have wondered if joy would ever again return to my heart. If I could ever give my husband a family. If I could ever survive this, and the answer is yes.

There is always a chance.

Sometimes we have to wrestle with these big questions to find our way, but in the end, we can all get there. For us, a couple who lost their fertility to birthing a dying child, our chance came with IVF. For others it comes with surrogacy, or IUI. Medications, or adoption.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that it is looking brighter once again, and that is something that once felt impossible.

I guess that what I am trying to say is that it is only when we open our eyes and our minds to all of the possibilities in front of us, even those that we fear or resent or are unsure of, that we can find pathways to hope.

Here is the video that had such an impact on me. I am sure for those of you haven't seen it before, or are viewing it a second time, you will feel it resonates at some level with you too. (Be sure to pause the music player in the right column of this blog to hear the video.)

Walking The Line

Thank you so much to all who reached out with support on the 2nd as we dealt with the anniversary of Peyton's passing. The weekend was a hard one for me, mostly because I couldn't get out to the cemetery and be with her, and thinking of my little baby laying neglected up on that hill since her birthday a month ago just breaks my heart. I learned earlier this week though of a visit some friends had made, unbeknownst to me, to leave fresh flowers on her stone, and thinking of them taking the time to honor her that way really did my heart some good.

The weekend itself was full of ups and downs. There were moments where I felt fine, laughing and getting along, and then others where grief hit me like a ton of bricks and the loss of her felt so new, and raw, and permanent, that I struggled for my breath the way I did last year, and the year before. I am coming to terms with the fact that the Fall will always feel this way for me.

At one point on Sunday I went back to the blog that my sister had authored to keep friends and family informed during Peyton's life (and at the news of her death), and re-read the comments that had been left there for us. They were desperate and encouraging, hopeful and then grief stricken. After that I went to the funeral home's site and re-read the messages from there as well. I don't know why I did that to myself, it was torture reading words left for a poor couple upon hearing the news that they had lost their baby, and knowing that poor couple was us made it even harder to take. I can't explain why I put myself through that, I just felt compelled to do it, and as I read the sympathies expressed there by family, friends, and strangers alike, I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her, and for us, and to just feel so robbed, robbed, robbed. 


I guess there is a reason I have let those messages go unopened for the better part of two years. 

Sitting in bed, reading and crying (hubs was out back doing some construction) I started feeling guilty for my grief, that in some way it was doing a disservice to the joy I feel over my little snowflakes. It's a complicated feeling, and hard to explain, but I find myself struggling for footing in this balancing act between expectant mother and grieving mother. 

I am hopeful - I am heartbroken.

I am overjoyed- I am full of sorrow.

I am planning for a future of what ifs - I am mourning for a life that never can be.

I rubbed my belly, and apologized to the snowflakes for whatever they might be feeling of my tears, and told them about Peyton, their big sister who they will never meet in this life. I explained that though she is not here, and they are,  I still love her as I do them, and that sometimes, even as we  celebrate in joy the blessings of our lives, there will come the time to shed tears for the little girl, our first little girl, who was taken too quickly and too permanently from all of our lives. It might sound crazy (as I often do here) but for some reason I got the feeling that they understood, and once that feeling had washed over me - my tears halted and I was at peace. 

This past Tuesday I went in for a higher level ultrasound of the snowflakes. I was under the impression that it was to be my first anatomy scan, but I was wrong, that comes a few weeks down the road. At this ultrasound they did measurements to make sure the snowflakes are growing appropriately, and got some good looks and pictures of my SCH (uterine blood clot). This exam brought with it lots of good news, and some not so great news. 

The good news is that both of my little snowflakes are growing and growing and growing! The average baby at 17 weeks is 5 oz, and despite the fact that I have struggled to gain weight in this pregnancy because of unrelenting morning sickness, pregnancy nose, and nauseating food aversions, I am happy to report that baby A is weighing in at a whopping 9 oz! while baby B is just about where (she) should be at 7 oz. 

All of the measurements the ultrasound tech and Perinatologist took, showed these babies to be right in the appropriate ranges, though it has become fairly clear on ultrasound that Baby A is our future NBA star, with long legs and big old feet like his daddy.

Always one for keeping up the mystery, Baby B decided to hang out in the shadows of my belly button a bit longer, keeping (her) parts hidden from clear view. The docs have told me that they really think A is a boy, and B is a girl, but like any modest little girl should, when they went to get a good look, B covered up with her hands (what a little lady haha) so a definitive determination of B's gender has not been made. The Peri assured us that at the anatomy scan, we will definitely find out for sure. 

The news about my SCH was pretty good. I had a few more brown bleeds since the last time I blogged about it, and the SCH that they have been watching seems to be down to about 6.5cm which is great news (it was 12.5cm at its largest.)

The not so wonderful news is that they think I may have developed a second SCH measuring 4cmx4cm, and this one was not as far from the babies as the first so that made us sort of say ugh. The tech told us they weren't absolutely sure that it was another SCH they were seeing, explaining that it could possibly be a blood vessel, so only time will tell.

My placenta previa also seems to be doing "okay." When I am having a contraction, I have full placenta previa, but when I am not contracting, Baby A moves up a little bit and makes some room for the cervix. I asked the Peri if she thought it would correct itself, and she said that while there is still a chance that it might, at this point I am pretty far along for that to happen, so that, too, may be something they have to watch for the remainder.

Overall I have to say that I am feeling pretty good, though I am officially the size of a house, okay maybe not a whole house, but a condo at least. I am still throwing up just about daily,  but not nearly as much - and though I hear talk about some mysterious energy boost that is supposed to be here in the second tri, the rain we have been having here in the northeast these last few weeks has kept that from happening. 

I guess that if there is one good thing to be said as I approach my now 6th week of bed rest (I can't believe it, I mean I can because it is boring and redundant and I have lived it every day, but I can't believe it still) is that there is a lot of free time to partake in some good naps.

I was going to share some ultrasound pics with you today, but hubs still needs to get them scanned for me, and we are overdue for a belly shot, so that will come soon too. 

Instead I thought I would share these lovely goodies that I have been so lucky to receive over these last few weeks, for which I am truly, TRULY, grateful.

This lovely painting actually came more than a few weeks ago, isn't it beautiful? It is a watercolored butterfly sent to me from my beautiful friend Jill at Footprints on Our Hearts!

Jill was also kind enough to send me this care package to get me through bed rest, as well as some twin books which unfortunately I don't have a pic of ...

And for Peyton's birthday, a lovely blog reader named Denise H. sent me the most perfect butterfly chimes... aren't they amazing?  They hang at our front porch now, and make the most beautiful wind-song when a soft breeze blows.

Well I guess that's all I have to report... please continue to keep my sweet little snowflakes in your prayers, that they continue to grow, and thrive, and come into this world healthy and strong. 

Bleeding... again.

So last night I was laying in bed with hubs watching The Office on hulu when I felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom to discover that I had begun hemorraghing what appeared to be old blood. I continued to bleed this "old looking" blood overnight, and this morning, and so I called the OB on call. I told her about what was happening and I kid you not, she asked me what an SCH was... great! (*rolls eyes*)

She told me that I could go to the ER if it got much heavier or more painful, but that at this point, she would advise me to wait it out, then adding, "you know some women bleed their whole pregnancies, on and off."

Comforting.

So that's where I stand (sit/lay) on this beautiful Saturday morning. I had hoped that maybe since it had been a week and a half since my last episode of blood, hubs could take me out for some fresh air on a little car ride but I guess we will have to scrap those plans :(

I am trying to stay optimistic and tell myself that this is just my body ridding itself of this nasty old clot, and that I (and my lovely little snowflakes) will be the better for it. Please join me in praying for the same.

Some of you kind ladies wrote offering to send me books to read to pass the time. After a huge buying spree on Overstock.com yesterday, I can honestly say I am all set :-)

Thanks for the thought though.

**A side note**

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check out all the good that my dear bloggie friend, Mama Grits, is doing to help a little orphan with Cockayne Syndrome named Yulia who is kept drugged in a laying room all day. So sad. :( Mama Grits has joined in the fight to try to find a loving home for Yulia and has set up this site A Hope For Julia  where she writes: "Please spread the word!!!! Get Julia HOME. Get her out of there and into a mommy and daddy's arms...to be held.... it's MY prayer for Julia."

Now That I've Gotten That Off My Chest... & The Gender Guess Giveaway Winner

So there was no sugar coating my emotions on Tuesday - I was sad/ frustrated/ overwhelmed etc. etc. etc. That being said, I have had A LOT OF TIME over these last 48+ hours of bedrest to come to terms with the not so pretty news I was given, and try to move forward - while laying as still as possible of course, so that's what I am doing (for now at least, you never can predict the mood of the next post.)

So I did INDEED have a winner to my little gender guess giveaway. I will preface this by saying, again, that this is what we believe the twins to be, based on ultrasounds up until this point, but it is still too early to know definitively.

FIRST THE NEWS -

At our 14 week appointment we saw three lines and a rocket ship! You guessed it - We believe Baby A is a BOY (this one they said they were 99% sure about) and Baby B is a GIRL (This they were less sure of at this point, because Baby B hides in the shadows behind my belly button.)

The winner of my giveaway is none other than...

VIOLETT 1122 of Searching For LadyBugs!

Congrats Violett!
You can email me your address at doinggoodinhername(at)gmail(dot)com and I will get your prize in the mail for you right away!

I read Violet's latest post, and saw that she just learned the gender of her little bean as well - a boy! As a giveaway prize I wanted to get something symbolic for her, and when I came across this book, I just couldn't pass it up because it seemed extremely fitting - both because of the name of her blog, and because of the anxiously awaited birth of her little one.

How perfect a title is that? Violette, I really hope you enjoy reading this to your little baby boy when he arrives.

NOW DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY ABOUT THIS SCH BUSINESS-

A few commentors asked me about what could be done for this SCH, and at this point, sadly, nothing. I asked my doctor about blood thinners to bleed it out, and she said at this point that that is not something that they would try (I guess the benefit at this size clot would not outweigh the risk.) There is very little, intervention that they will do prior to 20 weeks of pregnancy, to stave off pre-term labor etc, so for now we just wait, and pray, and hope. In response to theluckylife's question, regarding how the SCH works, the damn things unfortunately are pretty unpredictable, so I will share what I have been told is a "best case scenario" for us to pray on.

SCH's can disappear in one of two ways. They can bleed out (hence the reason I asked the doctor about blood thinners) or they can be reabsorbed. If this is to happen, they say it usually resolves by about the 20th week of pregnancy. If it hasn't by then, they say it most likely will stick around for the remainder.

The increased risks associated with SCH (miscarriage, placental abruption, preterm labor, stillbirth) unfortunately remain even if the clot has resolved. I don't know why that is, they just do.

So I guess if we were sending a specific cry out to the universe, it would be for the SCH to either bleed out or reabsorb, and for the babies to be sheltered from any of these other risks. It's scary stuff to think about, but I do believe in my heart, that regardless of this latest shit storm, getting over this hurdle with healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy is a possiblity, so that is where I am trying to put all my energy.

So I guess that's about all to report from here. Hubs's cooking has improved by the day (thank Goodness) and he surprised me tonight with a yummy dish of rice, broccoli, and an organic (and of course nitrate/nitrite free) maple chicken sausage. So delish! I ate it, enjoyed it, and have thus far kept it down :).

AND SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT (or at least something that makes me smile) -

I will leave you with this, my latest snowflakes belly shot -
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I KNOW THIS CAN BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME, SO I AM PUTTING SOME SPACE HERE FOR THOSE SUFFERING LOSS/INFERTILITY WHO MAY NOT WANT TO SEE IT.
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I think our pup Charlotte knows something is up, don't you?

Thanks again for all the prayers!