Missing and Growing...

I miss Peyton's hill... a lot.
I miss talking to her.
I miss feeling her near me.
I miss breathing in the air up there and being inspired to write.
I miss the cold snap of wind against my cheeks as I ask her to send mommy a little warmth and sunshine.
I miss watching the hawks, and the eagles soar overhead.
I miss telling her about the animals that have left tracks in the snow.
I miss finding moments of animation among the stillness.
I miss closing my eyes and tapping my chest the way I would her back when she was in my arms.
I miss singing songs to the quiet air - "You Are My Sunshine," "Smile Awhile," and "Oh Dunderbeck."
I miss feeling that she could hear me singing these songs.
I miss these moments which are the only ones I have left to mother her through.
I miss her.

I can handle the boredom, and the redundancy of bedrest.
I can handle feeling trapped in my home.
I can handle so many things.
What is hardest for me to handle is the way this has kept me from her.
I hate knowing she is up there, covered in snow, and there is nothing I can do to clear her space.
I went from visiting her every single day for over a year and a half, to seeing her only a handful of times this entire pregnancy.

You have not been forgotten little girl.
You have not been replaced.
You never will be.

****POSSIBLE TRIGGER POST****

The remainder of this post talks about the Snowflakes, my pregnancy, and also shows some belly pictures. I know how painful this can be for some of you, and as always, am placing some space here for anyone who wants to avoid such triggers.

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Just a little Snowflakes update here.

I am 31 weeks 2 days and feeling every bit of it - in great ways of course. There has been a ton of movement - and these little ones have developed the ability to hiccup over the last week or so, which can be pretty entertaining. I feel a lot of pressure lately, and am completely exhausted. I have read about the "brick wall" that you can hit in the final trimester, and don't really remember that with Peyton, but carrying two has proved to be a much different game, and my energy is just tapped out. Breathing has become a bit of a challenge, especially at night. I think that as the day progresses, and my body fills with fluid etc, the babies put more of a strain on my lungs. I am not sure what can be done for this, so I switch positions a great deal in an effort to get some sleep. I usually get a few hour clips at a time. I like to think of it as practice, this insomnia just preparing me for life with two newborn babies at home.

I was supposed to go for a growth ultrasound tomorrow, but it was cancelled due to the horrific weather we are expecting here in the Northeast. That's alright though. Better safe than sorry, and the appointment has been rescheduled for Thursday instead. I am anxious to see how the babies have grown. All along our little boy, Baby A, has been measuring large. At our appointment around 27 weeks, he was already estimated at 2 lbs 12 oz, which put him in the 93rd percentile. Our little girl, Baby B, was measuring 2 lbs 9 oz, which placed her around the 50th percentile. They say that at this point, the babies grow about a half a pound a week, so judging by the fact that nearly 4 weeks have passed since that last scan, and the plethora of new stretch marks that have made an appearance as of late, I feel pretty confident these little ones are keeping that pace up and will be around the 4 lb mark when I go in next.

This is all great news, of course, since the SCH that has had me on bedrest for the last 130 days, also puts me at a heightened risk for preterm labor. The bigger these babies are, should they decide to make an early appearance, the better! Of course I don't want them to come early. I want them in there and cooking for as long as is best for them. If my uterus holds out until 38 weeks, the doctors will insist upon a c-section (which is an experience I would really rather not repeat) so I am just praying that they decide to come on their own around week 37.

For those of you who have asked about names - we don't have any picked out as of yet. We have a list, a very LONG list, that I am hoping to have narrowed down soon. It is proving harder to name two than we expected. Hubs and I don't agree on many names, so our search for the right ones has been an interesting experience.

For those who would like to see, here are the latest belly shots from 30 weeks. As always, your continued prayers for the Snowflakes' safe and healthy arrival are much appreciated.

Sometimes it feels like I just can't win.

Ever hear that saying, "you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't"?

That should be my mantra.

Last week I didn't feel well. I had a terrible headache and kept breaking out into cold sweats one minute, and hot flashes the next. I felt just awful, but never developed a fever, nor did hubs pick anything up from me, so I chocked it up to hormones.

My folks had been planning to visit last weekend but I told them not too because of how I had been feeling. On Saturday, after watching me change my shirt for the umpteenth time, hubs suggested we go for a little drive. He thought the fresh air would do me some good, and I agreed. I have been inside for so long (this Saturday will be three months of bedrest) that I swear I am becoming translucent. I was looking at my feet yesterday and could see my veins through my skin. Hubs joked that I looked like a vampire.

Anyway, we started out on our little adventure of driving to nowhere, and after about 20 minutes, and quite a few turns, I realized that we were in the neighborhood of a few dear friends N & J. I told hubs to turn down their street, and when we did, we saw them standing outside. It was really wonderful to see them. I haven't seen hardly anyone these last three months because of the bedrest, and the few times people have visited I either A) find myself so excited for the company that I overdue it or B) feel so embarrassed to be laying in bed with visitors, that I have sort of opted to just keep people away altogether.

We got out of the car for a quick bit and gave our friends a hug. They invited us in, but after one step inside I felt like I was overheating (not because of their house, because of hormones) and retreated back to my semi reclined position in the car. N stood with me talking, while her husband J showed my hubs some work he was doing in their house. We visited a few minutes longer, catching up on what we had been up to (I obviously have not been up to much) gave each other a hug and a kiss goodbye, and headed home.

This is where the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" piece comes into play.

Last night I was on Facebook and saw that N had posted a status saying she had body aches, chills, a sore throat, and a fever of 102. The poor thing had been laid up in bed since that morning. This is when it dawned on me, N was sick when I saw her, she just hadn't been showing any symptoms yet - great!

I called the OB on call to say that I had been around someone just hours before they had come down with a high fever, and to see if I should do anything. I was thinking Tylenol as a preventative for fever - something along those lines. Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows that I am not one who takes putting anything unnatural into my body lightly (only organic foods, nothing with artificial dyes or preservatives, no aluminum in my deodorant etc etc) so even to suggest Tylenol was a big step for me. The OB wanted to know what symptoms N had, and when I told him, he asked if I had gotten a flu shot.

I hadn't.

Why, some might ask, would a person in a high risk pregnancy opt out of getting the flu shot when she will be pregnant throughout the height of the flu season?

It's a fair question. I will do my best to answer it.

For one, I had taken the flu shot about four years back and had a terrible reaction that led to me being laid up in bed for a week with flu like symptoms. Also, no thimerosal (mercury) free shots are available near me, and the thought of injecting myself with something while pregnant just freaks me out. Lastly, and for me this was the biggest factor in making my decision - I have been on bedrest for the last three months and am never around anyone but hubs who got the shot so as to prevent bringing anything home from his work. Seeing so few people I didn't think I was really at risk.

I guess the joke's on me.

Explaining why I hadn't gotten the shot, the OB expressed his dissatisfaction with the decision I had made. He told me about a pregnant patient of his who had gotten the flu the year before and fell into a coma and nearly died. He said that even now, nearly a year later, she was still working to recover.

Nothing like a scary pregnant woman in a coma story to make you feel like an idiot.

I don't know that N has the flu. I don't actually know what she has, she isn't going to the doctor unless it gets worse, but based on her symptoms the OB told me I needed to get on Tamiflu right away as a preventative measure. He said that if taken within 48 hours of exposure, the drug would lessen my symptoms were I to get the flu. I asked him if it was safe, and he said it was safer than getting the flu. This can be dangerous for any pregnant woman, but compounded with the cardiac issues that have been complicating this pregnancy, it gets a little trickier.

At this point in the conversation, I was ready to cry. That's not saying much, I cry a lot these days - hormones, but I was ready to cry anyway. It was all I could do not to break down in tears right there on the phone. (I did break down after I hung up - like a baby - to my sister who assured me that I was not an idiot, nor was I going to end up in a coma. Thank God for sisters!)

The OB told me he wanted my husband to go out last night (at this point it was around 11PM) and pick up the Tamiflu. When I explained that we live in a rural town with no 24 hours pharmacy, he said I could wait till the morning, but needed to get the pills started right away.

So I went this morning and got my pills - asked the pharmacist her opinion on the safety of these Class C drugs, to which she said that my doctor must think the benefits outweigh the risks enough to make it worthwhile, and came back home. I took the first pill around lunchtime, and have felt uneasy about it ever since.

The pamphlet states that it is not recommended to take Tamiflu while pregnant, and there was some study where rats given high doses had adverse fetal affects. I consulted Dr. Google and Babycenter, but found no real comfort there - for every ten stories of women saying they had taken it and been fine, there would be one posted about a woman who was 20 odd weeks along, took the drug and lost her baby. Did she lose her baby because of taking Tamiflu - there is no way for me to know. Do stories like that scare the shit out of this pregnant after loss momma - absolutely!

So there you have it. I feel like I can't win.

I keep people away for months, just to finally see someone who winds up sick the next morning.

I avoid getting the flu shot because I think I am doing the right thing in protecting my babies, only to have to take some antiviral drug that no one seems to have any real answers about.

And now I have to take a drug that I don't feel comfortable with, because stories of "otherwise healthy pregnant women" dying or falling into comas from the flu have me too scared to think straight.

Damned if I do.
Damned if I don't.

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Anyone out there ever take Tamiflu while pregnant and have a good outcome?

On Bedrest, Viability, Stresses, and Blessings

This past Sunday marked 22 weeks in my pregnancy. My little snowflakes are mere weeks away from viability now, and though my desire is for them to stay in there as long as they can (preferably 36-37 weeks so that I can deliver them naturally before my scheduled c-section at 38) the knowledge that something could be done for them in the next few weeks, has me mentally counting down the next 12 days until they reach that milestone.

I never did this type of countdown to viability with Peyton. I just assumed with Peyton that all would be well, and my pregnancy coasted along rather smoothly. At forty two weeks, after my second induction had failed, Peyton came into this world via c-section. I truly believe she would have stayed in there forever if I had let her, and sometimes I wish I had. Inside of me she was protected, my body provided for her what her own could not, and I truly believe that the happiest moments of her life were those spent in my womb.

With my snowflakes, I have been sort of forced to take the possibility that I may not reach the 36+ week mark into consideration. With any multiple pregnancy, the likelihood is a little higher for not going fully to term, and when you compound that with the fact that this SCH predisposes me to premature rupture of membranes and pre-term labor, you end up with this perfect storm of worry that has prompted this big count down.

Just this week, two woman on my SCH support board have gone into early labor (one whose OB told her the night before that her SCH had fully resolved), and it scares the life out of me. These women were just 22 weeks and change, and barely 25 weeks along, and their stories make it feel as if reaching that point of viability cannot come soon enough.

Though full of many, many blessings, this whole pregnancy has been pretty complicated. My issues with the bleed in my uterus continue, and though I have not actively bled in a while (thank God!) my last ultrasound showed that the SCH had grown a bit. Three weeks ago it had gone down to 5.5cm which was great news, but last week grew to 7.9cmx3.5cm - so roughly a little over 3 inches by a little over 1 inch, and though my Peri told me she was pleased with the size, seeing as how 7.9cm is only 1.1cm from the size my SCH was at the time of my first "big bleed," I didn't find a whole lot of comfort in that number.

As of this weekend, I have hit the 2.5 month mark of being on bedrest, and have come to terms with the fact that it what it is - a necessary means to an end. Bedrest is kinda boring, kinda mentally exhausting, but necessary so there is no point in fighting it. Every few weeks I will have a day where I want to get out of my house and run down the street, or go up Peyton's hill, or pick up groceries, or do any of the things that I feel physically capable of doing, but I can't, and I just have to cope with the reality that laying around like a lump all day every day is what is best for my babies, and move on.

Things have also gotten a bit more complicated this last month because I have developed some fairly annoying cardiac issues. For about six weeks my heart has been racing on and off as I lay here, with my resting rate having long spells of being between 120-130. I went to the cardiologist who told me that laying down causes the blood in my heart to pool, and when that pool pushes through my heart, that causes the rapid heart rate. He put me on a 48 hour holter monitor and the very morning the holter monitor went back, my heart went into arrythmia, and has pretty much stayed there since. There are long 2-3 second pauses in my heart beat every 4 beats or so, and while the doctor has promised me it is not affecting the snowflakes, the sickening feeling it gives me (like that of having a panic attack or someone stepping on your throat) makes me feel anxious, even when I am not. This is making "relaxing" a little harder to do because I constantly feel unable to breathe and like my heart is a cement mixer tumbling around in my chest.

I sound rather geriatric don't I?
But that's okay.

I constantly remind myself that this is all temporary, and in four months time will reap a huge payoff, and somehow thinking about it that way helps.

I got an email from a friend the other day where she was talking about some of the worries she is feeling about being pregnant after loss. In it she said something really beautiful, and regardless of our given situations right now, I think it's a bit of advice we can all use. She said that she could feel stressed, or she could feel blessed, and she was opting to feel blessed.

I have been reminding myself of these words a great deal the last few days. Yes it is not ideal to be having all of these health issues, and yes bedrest is a bore, but I am blessed, so blessed, with two little snowflakes that have decided to kick and punch and let me know day and night that they are here and they are thriving. I have a lot to feel stressed about, but I also have a lot to feel blessed about - so, like my friend, I am going to (try) to go for that.

Here is my latest belly bump pic taken last week. I have some fairly recent ultrasound shots, too, that I just need to get uploaded, so hopefully they will appear in a post sooner than later.

Again, I am putting lots of space here for anyone for whom this might be a trigger. Sending love out to all my fellow infertiles who are trying for their own bumps, and my fellow babylost mommas still waiting on their rainbows. I pray that this happens for you all sooner than later.
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On Bed Rest, Frustration, And Searching For Hope.

Yesterday I woke up feeling a little overwhelmed. I am ashamed to admit it, because in comparison to the other hurdles of these past few years what's a little bed rest right? That being said, it's like all of my frustrations hit me at once.

I am approaching 7 weeks of bed rest. I thought last week marked 7 weeks, and then counted again to find that, no, I had somehow lost a week in there somewhere, and though the actual number of hours/days/weeks on bed rest shouldn't matter all that much, realizing I had miscounted felt like I had been duped.

I know that I have countless (up to 20 more) weeks of bed rest ahead of me, and that's okay, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get these snowflakes here and healthy, but for some reason yesterday, among all that conviction, I felt the sudden urge to get up and run away from all of this.

Well... to be fair I didn't really want to run away. What I really wanted to do was hop out of bed and clean my house. 


Hubs has been working loooong hours this week (read 6:30AM to 11:30PM long with a few breaks in there to make me dinner etc.) and spent all last weekend doing construction on our house, so to say this place is a disaster area is quite the understatement. There are dishes in the sink that I want to go do. Floors I want to mop and vaccuum. A bored silly little black lab that I would love to take to run and romp and play in the leaves. 


There are so many things I feel up to doing, but I can't.


I think if I felt more like crap, bed rest would be somehow easier to swallow, but barring some achey/crampy feelings, and the unrelenting morning sickness that I have somehow grown accustomed to, I don't feel unwell generally (although the last few days have hit me especially hard and I am wondering if I somehow a- picked up a stomach bug even though I don't go out anywhere, and b- am going to eventually get a bed sore because my rear and hips are really, really tender from all this laying around.)


Yesterday we got some really nice news, and though I can't go into it here, I was excited to talk about it with hubs when he got home. A few minutes before I expected him, the phone rang. 


It was Viacord. 


For those who don't know, Viacord is a cord blood banking service. This is how our conversation went.


"If you bank your child's cord blood," the rep was telling me on the phone, "and they need stem cells, they will always have a perfect match available to them." 
"Yes," I said, "unless the child is born with leukemia in which their stem cells don't do them any good."
"Well," he continued, "babies aren't born with leukemia."
"My daughter was."
"Born with it?!"
"Yes."
"I've never heard of such a thing."
"Well I guess I am that lucky."


He proceeded to give me the rest of his spiel, and with every word that he spoke about cord blood and stem cells and leukemia, the reality of our situation sunk in deeper and deeper. We are not a "normal" expecting couple. We are a seemingly healthy couple who had a child born with leukemia and no one seems to be able to tell us why. 


I hung up the phone and it all hit me - an onslaught of worries and fears about leukemia that I have somehow kept at bay these last 19 weeks with the exception of a few restless, mind racing nights. Up until now, I haven't allowed myself to go there. I have lived in this fantasy world of "that could never happen to us again," and then this call came in and I was forced to go "there", to that terrifying place, and I hated it. 


When hubs came home he did not find his happy wife ready to talk about our good news, but instead a a petrified mess blurting out in tears that maybe I was a fool. That maybe God tried to send me a clear message by destroying my tubes and I was too cocky and too proud to listen. That maybe He was also  making this pregnancy so difficult for a reason, and I was just too damn thick to understand.


Hubs listened patiently, in his normal agnostic-married-to-a-guilt-ridden-catholic sort of way of not understanding my relationship with/fear of God, yet totally respecting my right to my feelings, and then he told me he didn't think that was the case, and that it's okay to believe the snowflakes will come here healthy, and happy, and whole. He told me this in a way that felt somehow rehearsed, and showed me that beneath his tough exterior he was scared too, and when he left a few minutes later to start dinner, I felt like crap for having gone "there" with him, because I know he, too, tries so hard to push those fears from his mind.  


So there I was - not feeling very well, sad, overwhelmed, frustrated by the belief that I can't be like the seemingly 99.99% of this world who say to themselves, "let's have babies," and nine happy months later are blessed with crying pooping wonderfully healthy little children, and then the anger rolled in, and the depression and anxiety, and I re-traced every step I have taken on this struggle paved road to motherhood and sunk deeper into my hole. 


Basically I was having a pity party.


An out and out, true blue, feel sorry for myself and nothing and no one are going to get me out of it pity party, and that's when I saw it - a message posted by my amazing friend Lisette to her status. 


It read:
"Don't let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present." 


And as I read those words, something amazing happened - they started to feel true. So I read them again, aloud, over and over. I read them until they pushed away the clouds of self doubt, and fear, and anxiety, and though I had been shaken to my core by my frustrations of the day, and the conversation with Viacord, and these last two years- I allowed them to sink it. 


Yes I lost my child to leukemia and no one knows why.
Yes I am scared.
Yes I don't know what the future brings.


But right here, right now, I am pregnant, and these snowflakes are growing and doing well, and that is a blessing not to be overlooked. 


Yes it is okay for me to allow myself to feel hopeful once again.

**This Friday is our big anatomy scan. If you would be so kind, please send my snowflakes your good thoughts/prayers/positive energy/happy karma etc. etc. 

These pictures are worth a thousand words...

As you all know, I am never short on words, 

though I thought today I would try a little change of pace.

Warning - this post contains belly shots and ultrasounds. 

I am putting a little space here 

for anyone dealing with loss/infertility who would rather not see.

(Keep the faith, I have been there too.)

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Baby A who we are pretty darn sure is a boy.

Baby B is too modest for us to know for sure, 

but we think B is a girl.

I love this one!

 The snowflakes are growing...

and so am I!

Feeling very blessed - 

though a little makeup in this picture would have done a world of good :)

Walking The Line

Thank you so much to all who reached out with support on the 2nd as we dealt with the anniversary of Peyton's passing. The weekend was a hard one for me, mostly because I couldn't get out to the cemetery and be with her, and thinking of my little baby laying neglected up on that hill since her birthday a month ago just breaks my heart. I learned earlier this week though of a visit some friends had made, unbeknownst to me, to leave fresh flowers on her stone, and thinking of them taking the time to honor her that way really did my heart some good.

The weekend itself was full of ups and downs. There were moments where I felt fine, laughing and getting along, and then others where grief hit me like a ton of bricks and the loss of her felt so new, and raw, and permanent, that I struggled for my breath the way I did last year, and the year before. I am coming to terms with the fact that the Fall will always feel this way for me.

At one point on Sunday I went back to the blog that my sister had authored to keep friends and family informed during Peyton's life (and at the news of her death), and re-read the comments that had been left there for us. They were desperate and encouraging, hopeful and then grief stricken. After that I went to the funeral home's site and re-read the messages from there as well. I don't know why I did that to myself, it was torture reading words left for a poor couple upon hearing the news that they had lost their baby, and knowing that poor couple was us made it even harder to take. I can't explain why I put myself through that, I just felt compelled to do it, and as I read the sympathies expressed there by family, friends, and strangers alike, I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her, and for us, and to just feel so robbed, robbed, robbed. 


I guess there is a reason I have let those messages go unopened for the better part of two years. 

Sitting in bed, reading and crying (hubs was out back doing some construction) I started feeling guilty for my grief, that in some way it was doing a disservice to the joy I feel over my little snowflakes. It's a complicated feeling, and hard to explain, but I find myself struggling for footing in this balancing act between expectant mother and grieving mother. 

I am hopeful - I am heartbroken.

I am overjoyed- I am full of sorrow.

I am planning for a future of what ifs - I am mourning for a life that never can be.

I rubbed my belly, and apologized to the snowflakes for whatever they might be feeling of my tears, and told them about Peyton, their big sister who they will never meet in this life. I explained that though she is not here, and they are,  I still love her as I do them, and that sometimes, even as we  celebrate in joy the blessings of our lives, there will come the time to shed tears for the little girl, our first little girl, who was taken too quickly and too permanently from all of our lives. It might sound crazy (as I often do here) but for some reason I got the feeling that they understood, and once that feeling had washed over me - my tears halted and I was at peace. 

This past Tuesday I went in for a higher level ultrasound of the snowflakes. I was under the impression that it was to be my first anatomy scan, but I was wrong, that comes a few weeks down the road. At this ultrasound they did measurements to make sure the snowflakes are growing appropriately, and got some good looks and pictures of my SCH (uterine blood clot). This exam brought with it lots of good news, and some not so great news. 

The good news is that both of my little snowflakes are growing and growing and growing! The average baby at 17 weeks is 5 oz, and despite the fact that I have struggled to gain weight in this pregnancy because of unrelenting morning sickness, pregnancy nose, and nauseating food aversions, I am happy to report that baby A is weighing in at a whopping 9 oz! while baby B is just about where (she) should be at 7 oz. 

All of the measurements the ultrasound tech and Perinatologist took, showed these babies to be right in the appropriate ranges, though it has become fairly clear on ultrasound that Baby A is our future NBA star, with long legs and big old feet like his daddy.

Always one for keeping up the mystery, Baby B decided to hang out in the shadows of my belly button a bit longer, keeping (her) parts hidden from clear view. The docs have told me that they really think A is a boy, and B is a girl, but like any modest little girl should, when they went to get a good look, B covered up with her hands (what a little lady haha) so a definitive determination of B's gender has not been made. The Peri assured us that at the anatomy scan, we will definitely find out for sure. 

The news about my SCH was pretty good. I had a few more brown bleeds since the last time I blogged about it, and the SCH that they have been watching seems to be down to about 6.5cm which is great news (it was 12.5cm at its largest.)

The not so wonderful news is that they think I may have developed a second SCH measuring 4cmx4cm, and this one was not as far from the babies as the first so that made us sort of say ugh. The tech told us they weren't absolutely sure that it was another SCH they were seeing, explaining that it could possibly be a blood vessel, so only time will tell.

My placenta previa also seems to be doing "okay." When I am having a contraction, I have full placenta previa, but when I am not contracting, Baby A moves up a little bit and makes some room for the cervix. I asked the Peri if she thought it would correct itself, and she said that while there is still a chance that it might, at this point I am pretty far along for that to happen, so that, too, may be something they have to watch for the remainder.

Overall I have to say that I am feeling pretty good, though I am officially the size of a house, okay maybe not a whole house, but a condo at least. I am still throwing up just about daily,  but not nearly as much - and though I hear talk about some mysterious energy boost that is supposed to be here in the second tri, the rain we have been having here in the northeast these last few weeks has kept that from happening. 

I guess that if there is one good thing to be said as I approach my now 6th week of bed rest (I can't believe it, I mean I can because it is boring and redundant and I have lived it every day, but I can't believe it still) is that there is a lot of free time to partake in some good naps.

I was going to share some ultrasound pics with you today, but hubs still needs to get them scanned for me, and we are overdue for a belly shot, so that will come soon too. 

Instead I thought I would share these lovely goodies that I have been so lucky to receive over these last few weeks, for which I am truly, TRULY, grateful.

This lovely painting actually came more than a few weeks ago, isn't it beautiful? It is a watercolored butterfly sent to me from my beautiful friend Jill at Footprints on Our Hearts!

Jill was also kind enough to send me this care package to get me through bed rest, as well as some twin books which unfortunately I don't have a pic of ...

And for Peyton's birthday, a lovely blog reader named Denise H. sent me the most perfect butterfly chimes... aren't they amazing?  They hang at our front porch now, and make the most beautiful wind-song when a soft breeze blows.

Well I guess that's all I have to report... please continue to keep my sweet little snowflakes in your prayers, that they continue to grow, and thrive, and come into this world healthy and strong. 

Bleeding... again.

So last night I was laying in bed with hubs watching The Office on hulu when I felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom to discover that I had begun hemorraghing what appeared to be old blood. I continued to bleed this "old looking" blood overnight, and this morning, and so I called the OB on call. I told her about what was happening and I kid you not, she asked me what an SCH was... great! (*rolls eyes*)

She told me that I could go to the ER if it got much heavier or more painful, but that at this point, she would advise me to wait it out, then adding, "you know some women bleed their whole pregnancies, on and off."

Comforting.

So that's where I stand (sit/lay) on this beautiful Saturday morning. I had hoped that maybe since it had been a week and a half since my last episode of blood, hubs could take me out for some fresh air on a little car ride but I guess we will have to scrap those plans :(

I am trying to stay optimistic and tell myself that this is just my body ridding itself of this nasty old clot, and that I (and my lovely little snowflakes) will be the better for it. Please join me in praying for the same.

Some of you kind ladies wrote offering to send me books to read to pass the time. After a huge buying spree on Overstock.com yesterday, I can honestly say I am all set :-)

Thanks for the thought though.

**A side note**

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check out all the good that my dear bloggie friend, Mama Grits, is doing to help a little orphan with Cockayne Syndrome named Yulia who is kept drugged in a laying room all day. So sad. :( Mama Grits has joined in the fight to try to find a loving home for Yulia and has set up this site A Hope For Julia  where she writes: "Please spread the word!!!! Get Julia HOME. Get her out of there and into a mommy and daddy's arms...to be held.... it's MY prayer for Julia."

Now That I've Gotten That Off My Chest... & The Gender Guess Giveaway Winner

So there was no sugar coating my emotions on Tuesday - I was sad/ frustrated/ overwhelmed etc. etc. etc. That being said, I have had A LOT OF TIME over these last 48+ hours of bedrest to come to terms with the not so pretty news I was given, and try to move forward - while laying as still as possible of course, so that's what I am doing (for now at least, you never can predict the mood of the next post.)

So I did INDEED have a winner to my little gender guess giveaway. I will preface this by saying, again, that this is what we believe the twins to be, based on ultrasounds up until this point, but it is still too early to know definitively.

FIRST THE NEWS -

At our 14 week appointment we saw three lines and a rocket ship! You guessed it - We believe Baby A is a BOY (this one they said they were 99% sure about) and Baby B is a GIRL (This they were less sure of at this point, because Baby B hides in the shadows behind my belly button.)

The winner of my giveaway is none other than...

VIOLETT 1122 of Searching For LadyBugs!

Congrats Violett!
You can email me your address at doinggoodinhername(at)gmail(dot)com and I will get your prize in the mail for you right away!

I read Violet's latest post, and saw that she just learned the gender of her little bean as well - a boy! As a giveaway prize I wanted to get something symbolic for her, and when I came across this book, I just couldn't pass it up because it seemed extremely fitting - both because of the name of her blog, and because of the anxiously awaited birth of her little one.

How perfect a title is that? Violette, I really hope you enjoy reading this to your little baby boy when he arrives.

NOW DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY ABOUT THIS SCH BUSINESS-

A few commentors asked me about what could be done for this SCH, and at this point, sadly, nothing. I asked my doctor about blood thinners to bleed it out, and she said at this point that that is not something that they would try (I guess the benefit at this size clot would not outweigh the risk.) There is very little, intervention that they will do prior to 20 weeks of pregnancy, to stave off pre-term labor etc, so for now we just wait, and pray, and hope. In response to theluckylife's question, regarding how the SCH works, the damn things unfortunately are pretty unpredictable, so I will share what I have been told is a "best case scenario" for us to pray on.

SCH's can disappear in one of two ways. They can bleed out (hence the reason I asked the doctor about blood thinners) or they can be reabsorbed. If this is to happen, they say it usually resolves by about the 20th week of pregnancy. If it hasn't by then, they say it most likely will stick around for the remainder.

The increased risks associated with SCH (miscarriage, placental abruption, preterm labor, stillbirth) unfortunately remain even if the clot has resolved. I don't know why that is, they just do.

So I guess if we were sending a specific cry out to the universe, it would be for the SCH to either bleed out or reabsorb, and for the babies to be sheltered from any of these other risks. It's scary stuff to think about, but I do believe in my heart, that regardless of this latest shit storm, getting over this hurdle with healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy is a possiblity, so that is where I am trying to put all my energy.

So I guess that's about all to report from here. Hubs's cooking has improved by the day (thank Goodness) and he surprised me tonight with a yummy dish of rice, broccoli, and an organic (and of course nitrate/nitrite free) maple chicken sausage. So delish! I ate it, enjoyed it, and have thus far kept it down :).

AND SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT (or at least something that makes me smile) -

I will leave you with this, my latest snowflakes belly shot -
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I KNOW THIS CAN BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME, SO I AM PUTTING SOME SPACE HERE FOR THOSE SUFFERING LOSS/INFERTILITY WHO MAY NOT WANT TO SEE IT.
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I think our pup Charlotte knows something is up, don't you?

Thanks again for all the prayers!