Once A Mother...

Fun with Babies - 10 months

2012-01-19T09:40:00.001-05:00

Thought it would be fun to change it up a bit and do a post about what we have been up to.

The snowflakes are now ten months old, and cruising. With the weather being so cold we haven't been able to spend much time outside, so we have been trying new things to keep little hands and minds occupied.

A few weeks ago I started doing a treasure basket for the kids where I remove the rest of their "usual" toys from babyland, and when they get up from their nap, they find a basket waiting for them to explore.

Here is what we have in today's treasure basket:

Puffs container full of colorful ribbons

Large knob puzzle pieces for little hands

2 Red Solo Cups filled with Melissa and Doug Wooden toys and a B Toys teether

2 Discovery Bottles with red ribbon, multi-colored puffs, pasta, and a shimmery pipe cleaner. They really love shaking and twirling these to see what is inside.

Make sure lids are secure/glued.

Board Book

Fabric Rattle

Mini Tupperware with fun treasures inside

Tupperware full of bright wood blocks

Bottle with fabric and socks for little hands to pull through hole in lid

Red wooden ball with a hole

Plastic lid.

Finished product.

Let's see what they think...

All-in-All a Big Success!

Disgusted!!

2012-01-12T13:05:00.018-05:00

I am disgusted.
Absolutely disgusted!

And dismayed.

Disturbed.
Angered.

Today I came across this article.

It told me that despite my best efforts to protect my children from carcinogens, I have failed them.

We eat only organic foods.

I won't let my children within ten feet of a cellphone.
Don't allow wireless internet in my home.

Don't use chemicals on my lawn or in our house.

We play primarily with wood toys PROVEN to be free of lead paint. Any plastic toys are BPA, lead, and phlalate free.

I spent $130 on a bamboo playmat to keep them from breathing in the toxins known to off-gas from the much cheaper (and easier to come by) foam mats.

My kids do not, and WILL NOT, eat anything containing Red Dye #40, Blue #2, Yellow #5.

I am vigilant.
Informed.

So imagine my disgust - my absolute disgust, to read that not one, not two, but THREE products that my children use or used regularly have been found to contain frighteningly high levels of the fire retardent TDCPP - a chemical that was banned in the 1970's from pajamas, because they knew back then that it caused cancer.

A chemical that is also a known hormone disruptor.

Imagine my disgust when I read that the My Brest Friend breastfeeding pillow was coated in it.

A fucking breastfeeding pillow!
Are you kidding me?!

Are there THAT MANY irresponsible and moronic mothers smoking a cigarette WHILE breastfeeding their child that it needs to be sprayed in fire retardent chemicals?

Imagine how I felt to learn that the Arm's Reach mini co-sleeper that my twins spent their first six months of life sleeping at least part of the night in was coated in it.

My Graco Snugride carseats.

I want to scream.

More than that, I want to march into Arm's Reach, Graco, and My Brest Friend, grab their CEO's by the collar and yell "SHAME ON YOU!"

I want to sit them down and force them to hear every horrific detail of what cancer does to a baby. To walk them through every painful moment of Peyton's life. Shove the REALITY of what these chemicals could possibly do in their irresponsible faces.

I am sick to death of carcinogens being taken lightly. Sick to death of hearing, "everything causes cancer."

And what?
That's somehow okay?!

We are supposed to just accept that even though natural alternatives are available, it is somehow acceptable practice to use carcinogens on these products just because "everything causes cancer"?

How dare a company that makes it's bread and butter on infant products, INFANT PRODUCTS! knowingly be exposing these children to these chemicals?

California statutes set the standard for the whole country. They require that products meet certain flammability thresholds, yet irresponsibly do NOTHING when the retardants being used to meet these thresholds are dangerous, and carcinogenic.

I have contacted these companies by twitter.
@cosleep
@mybrestfriend
@gracobaby

I have written to my Senator.

Something needs to change.

We need to stop putting dollar signs before child safety. Period!

On Being Human - In Under 200 Words

2012-01-05T13:03:00.001-05:00

If I come across one more story or cruel comment attacking The Duggars and Santorums for how they handled the impossible situation of losing their babies, I am going to scream.

There is something very wrong with a society that places time and age qualifications on when a child is "worthy" of the love and grief of its parents. I am beyond fortunate that I had a month with Peyton, but you can bet your life that if I had lost her after six months in my body, or two hours on this earth, I would have loved and missed her no less.

I don't give a flying fig where anyone sits on the religious/political spectrum. To me this is simply a matter of showing a basic level of decency to a fellow human being. When you alter the amount of compassion that you show a person who has suffered the worst kind of loss, that of their child, simply to discredit their political or religious views, you have sort of missed the point on what it is to be human.

Under the Weather

2012-01-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

Sad to report that we are all under the weather here.
That's why no blogging as of late.
Spent the end of last year and the beginning of this year wiping boogies, and dealing with some nasty coughs.

We got hit with the stomach bug - nasty cold, one-two punch.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

And The Winner Is...

2011-12-24T09:28:00.000-05:00

We Have Our Winner For The Top It Cakes and Cupcakes Dozen Cupcake Topper Drawing!

...
It's Lucky Number 13!
Congratulation to Deni of Foxy Troxies and Anchored by Hope
Deni, please send me an email at doinggoodinhername (at) gmail (dot) com with whatever contact info you would like me to pass along to Karen at Top It Cakes and Cupcakes.
Thank you so much to everyone who played along!
And a very special THANK YOU to Karen, for donating the toppers for this giveaway. Be sure to check out the other goodies she offers at her website here, or her facebook page here.

True Random Number GeneratorMin: Max: Result:13

25 Days of Giveaways Day 23!

2011-12-23T00:39:00.001-05:00

Really excited to be a part of Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways, from the blog Living Without Sophie and Ellie.

This year my dear friend Karen at Top It Cakes and Cupcakes has offered a dozen of her beautiful fondant cupcake toppers for my giveaway.

The great thing about these cupcake toppers is that you save money by baking your own cupcakes, and then add these to the top to finish off with a very professional (and delicious!) look.

Top It Cakes and Cupcakes can make just about any design you can imagine...

Karen makes toppers for life events like baby and bridal showers...

And has designs to fit any and all party themes.

These are some of the toppers she created for the Snowflakes' Christening.

The possibilities are really endless. I invite you to check out her website here.

This prize is for a dozen toppers in the design of the winner's choice. The toppers are made of edible fondant, and measure approximately 2 inches in diameter. They fit easily atop your standard frosted cupcake, and have a 12 month shelf life. The winner of this giveaway does not have to redeem their prize right away.

To enter this drawing leave a comment below letting me know what you might like to use the toppers for, or, if you don't know yet, you can enter by just leaving a comment to say hello.

This drawing will be open until midnight EST on 12/23, at which point I will pick a winner using random.org's random number generator. Good luck!

Hope

2011-12-21T11:36:00.006-05:00

I've never gone this long without blogging.
I don't know if it is the time of year, a bout with the stomach flu, dealing with Bubba's allergy, or all of the above, but I find so many posts floating through my head these days, and so little time to sit and write them.

I hope the holidays are being kind to you all. I know that for the ALI community in particular, this time of year can feel especially cruel. A reminder of all we should have, that we don't. A big giant slap in the face from the universe.

I recently ordered the book of this, we will not speak, by the incredibly talented Angie M. Yingst (fellow blogger, BLM, and all around cool chickie) and she wrote something in one of her poems that really, really struck a chord with me.

She said:
"Though we have lost a petal, we are still flowers
lush and full together, in a garden of hope."

Hope.

Even when it feels like there is nothing left in this world worth living for, there is still some measure of hope to be found. Sometimes it is just out of sight, tucked away behind all of your troubles, but hope is there nonetheless, whispering that you can move forward. That things can get better.

When I lost Peyton, this community gave me hope in the knowledge that I didn't have to go through this alone.

When I lost my fertility, this community gave me the hope that I had other options to build my family.

When I started bleeding, and was told to prepare to miscarry my twins, I found hope in the words of comfort and encouragement that came my way. That same hope carried me through nearly seven months of bedrest.

Hope - from all of you.

So now here I stand, on the other side.
I have two healthy children here with me, and though we are missing their big sister (we always, always will) this holiday once again feels joyful.

There were more reasons than I can count (or recall now) beating me down with the message that things were hopeless, but each morning I am greeted with two smiling faces who remind me that even though it felt like it at times, hope was never lost.

There is always hope.

That is my message to all of you reading this. No matter where you are in life, no matter how things feel, or seem, regardless of what you are now facing, there is always hope that things can get better. If not this Christmas, maybe next.

Sending love, light, and above all, hope, to my sisters (and brothers) in loss this holiday season.

****

I am participating in this year's 25 Days of Giveaways blog hop. Be sure to check back on 12/23.

Do You Exhale?

2011-12-13T14:56:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to say that the Fall/Winter issue of Exhale is up. For those of you who don't know, Exhale is a semi-quarterly online literary magazine for the Adoption, Loss and Infertility Community. There are some truly beautiful voices in this issue, so be sure to hop on over and check it out!

Always Something

2011-12-06T15:11:00.003-05:00

When the Snowflakes were just a few weeks old, Bubba developed colic. He would writhe and scream at all hours of the night, and we were ready to pull our hair out. The Ped told me that, in all likelihood, he had a milk protein sensitivity, which is very common in babies under one and usually something they outgrow, and that I should cut all dairy out of my diet and see if it made a difference. The relief was nearly immediate. Within a week's time, our house was colic free.

A few months later, Bubba developed a rash all over his body. We went to the Ped and blood work was ordered. It was an extremely scary time, as you may recall from my post "24 Hours In Hell". The bloodwork came back clear (THANK YOU JESUS!) and we were told that the rash could be a virus or could be eczema. It turned out to be the latter.

I have tried everything to bring the boy relief. Cut dairy, soy and wheat from my diet for 6 months. Used calendula cream, and Aquaphor, and dressed him in cotton. Made sure not to allow him to overheat. Worked to find a balance between bathing him too often to where he would dry out, and not often enough, where his skin would grow aggravated.

At his six month appointment, the Ped told me that I could try re-introducing dairy, wheat and soy into my diet. I did and the boy was fine. No reaction. He still had eczema but it wasn't any better or worse based on what I had eaten. Seeing this, the Ped told me last month that Bubba had probably outgrown his milk protein sensitivity, and I could try yogurt.

I gave it to both babies. Squeaks gobbled it up and was fine. Bubba ate two bites, and his eyes swelled shut. His body was immediately covered in hives. I called the Ped (it was after hours) and the nurse on call told me to give him Benedryl. I was shaking. And scared out of my mind. His reaction was getting worse by the minute. Thank God I repeated her instructions back to her, because she had said a half teaspoon, and I heard it as two teaspoons, and could have killed him. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, repeat back what they tell you in an emergency situation.

The next day I called an allergist and today we finally got in to be seen.

So here it is.

Bubba is severely, and I mean SEVERELY, allergic to dairy. The allergist told me all sorts of scary stuff today, like that if I drink a cup of coffee with milk, and then kiss him, that I could cause him to have a reaction. He wants me to introduce him to peanut butter and eggs immediately, because he is very likely to develop an allergy to these two things, given his history, if we wait. I guess the idea is to cut that allergy off at the pass, by exposing him to those things before he has an issue with them. He was tested for those and came back negative.

I was given a DVD about what to do in an emergency, and a "practice" epi-pen to show anyone who comes to watch the babies. Later today I will go to the pharmacy and have his prescription for the epi's filled.

I'm trying really, REALLY, hard not to be freaked out by this. I already live in a world where I worry (too much) about people touching the babies without washing their hands, for fear that they could get sick. Now, having to be a watchdog over who may or may not have touched dairy, and having to worry about whether they might touch or kiss him before washing, is, I am sure, just going to make me that much more neurotic.

It's hard enough as it is, when parenting after loss, to keep perceived threats in perspective. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, this ain't so bad. But it seems like there is always something keeping me on high alert. It would be nice to be able to relax. To just be.

But then I wonder-
once you've lost a child, is "just being" even possible?

Pressing Pause While Flashing Back

2011-12-01T13:58:00.005-05:00

I participate in a weekly critique group. It is a wonderful, blissful two hour block of time devoted to writing, and I love it. We meet in the evening, and usually run late, so I tend to go to bed thinking about the feedback I received, and then stay in the same train of thought as I wake overnight to feed the babies.

The other night, when the snowflakes woke me at around 4AM, I started thinking about words. Which words are the right words to convey what I am trying to say. Which words have the strongest impact on imagery etc. etc. For some reason I got caught up on the word "doorknob" of all things, and before I knew it, I was holding tight in my mind a clear picture of the doorknob to a family suite that I used to pump in at the NICU.

PTSD is funny that way. You really never know what is going to trigger you.

When I look back on the fact that we only actually spent 8 days in the NICU before Peyton was transferred to the oncology floor, it is so hard to believe, because those 8 days felt like a lifetime. Those days, despite the fact that Peyton had been diagnosed with such an awful disease, represented the best of times that we would share with her.

8 hopeful days.

8 days of believing naively that she would make it.

8 days spent surrounded by supportive staff who encouraged things like skin-to-skin time to improve her bloodcounts, and breastfeeding.

I am not knocking the care we got on the oncology floor, but there was a different level of attention that we received in the NICU as parents. A level that now, in retrospect, I realize must come from working in a place where you see so many parents come in with their children, and leave without them.

As my mind wandered from the doorknob, into the suite, I could see myself, and feel it like I was actually there. I couldn’t tell you if it was day 4 or day 5, but I had gone in to pump while Peyton napped.

I was pumping, for my child.

A small TV against the wall was showing an interview with Mariska Hargitay. She was talking about her career, and life growing up as Jayne Mansfield’s daughter.

I won’t even attempt to try and understand why I remember that interview. I have come to realize that little about PTSD makes sense.

When I finished pumping, I walked over to a sink in the room and cleaned the bottle parts, careful to do so in the most sanitary way so as to protect my immuno-compromised child. My husband was at the lunch cart, buying us a snack.

I remembered it.

Smelled it.

Felt it.

I knew I was flashing back, and yet I chose to stay in that moment. To hold onto it. Despite the worry and the exhaustion, I was hopeful in that moment. I was making milk for my child who (I believed at that time) would need it. I was gearing myself up for the long haul. This was going to be my new life – living in a hospital rather than home with my first child – but I had accepted it.

There is another memory that comes right after that one. It is not a pleasant memory. It is the moment where my hopes were dashed some five minutes later and down the hall, but I pushed that memory away, and chose instead to hold onto the moment that had come calling for me.

Usually flashbacks make me want to run. There are more moments than I can count that are so painful that I can’t write them. The only post I have ever taken down from this blog was when I shared just such a moment. I took it down because it hurt more to have it out there than to not.

But not this moment. In this moment I was too naïve to recognize that the battle had already been lost. That she was born destined to die. That there had never been any hope. In this moment, this memory, I was just a mother, doing my best to make milk for my child, and looking forward to her waking from a nap so I could hold her again. In the entire span of Peyton's short life, this was as good as our time together ever got to be.

Remembering doesn't change anything. We still lost Peyton. She won't come back. But the flame of hope that burned that day, and the feelings of love I felt for my first child, are not to be forgotten. I choose to cup that moment gently in my hands and fan it from time to time, so as to feel its warmth against my skin. To watch the beauty in that ember glow.

In flashing back to how it felt to be in that room, I choose to pause.

Under Attack!

2011-11-22T15:50:00.003-05:00

There is a mouse.
A mouse.
A MOUSE in my HOUSE!

And I am F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out!

Okay in all reality, I am sure there is more than just one mouse. There are probably several mice in my house, and my overly-active imagination has me convinced that they are plotting, just waiting around every corner to jump out at me.

Maybe that's an over-reaction.
Let me back up.

Late last month we were out of power for eleven days. I don't know what it was about being out of power, but when we returned home we found that a mouse had left us some little "presents" in my dish towel drawer. We have never, and I mean NEVER, in the five years of living here, had a mouse in our kitchen. There were a few that had made it into the garage when we first moved in, but we replaced the garage doors and that was the end of that problem- until now!

So I did what any ~~manic~~ sane person would do, I threw out every dish towel, cleaned the drawer out, and lied to myself that that was the end of my mouse problem.

Then I found another "present" in the bottom drawer of the stove where I keep the lids to my pots. Then near our furnace. Don't like where this is going? Yeah, me either.

I am totally beside myself as to how this could have happened. Anyone who knows me knows how OCD I am about things being clean. I never EVER go to sleep with dishes in the sink, always wipe counters down before and after use and before bed, mop my floor at least once if not more a week, don't leave food out etc. etc. So where did I go wrong?

I spent the better part of the first week we were back scrubbing every surface, every toy, washing all the blankets and playmats that the babies use just-in-case a mouse had so much as looked at them. It was a lot of work, mainly because in my mind nothing is ever "clean enough," and because I consulted Dr. Google who scared the shiznit out of me when it brought me to pages about the Hanta Virus (we actually don't have this in my state) and some crazy blurb about mice liking babies because they smell like milk! How can you relax at night after reading something like that? I can't!

Then things calmed down, and we had a few beautiful weeks of non-mousey bliss, and all felt right in the world again. I never actually had seen any mice, so I told myself that it was us not being home for that length of time that made them come wander into our home, and that I was sure they had fully vacated the premises before our return-how considerate of them.

I started to feel safe again. To live life the way I had before the mice had come calling. I was once again happy in my home... and then it happened. This morning while cleaning the floor, I found one-lone-"present" waiting for me in the corner. It hadn't been there the night before... it hadn't been there the hour before! That means while the snowflakes and I were playing just a dozen or so feet away, this mouse was helping himself to my - as I later discovered - onions of all things. Blech!

I freaked out. Left hubs a message that was something to the affect of "Oh-my-gosh-there-was-a-mouse-it-pooped-on-the-floor-I'm-outta-here-this-is-NOT-acceptable" then packed the kids in the car and got the hell outta dodge - which really means I drove to Target and walked aimlessly with the babies in the carriage while drinking a tasty treat from Starbucks and waiting for my husband to come home to rescue me.

So yes, it seems. We are under attack.

Eeeek!

18th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo. Come Join The Fun!

2011-11-18T08:37:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday (that I remember it's Friday and get here to post in time :) )we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

WE ARE MOBILE!

So that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Want to participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about whatever your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

Quick Favor to Ask

2011-11-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

Good Morning!

Today is the LAST DAY of voting in the Reader's Digest Your Life essay contest. It would mean so much to me if you could cast a quick vote for my essay about Peyton by visiting this link. This contest has been something positive for me to focus on during grief season this year, a way to honor her rather than just mourn her, and I can't tell you how much it would mean for me to open Reader's Digest and see my little Peyton staring back at me from the pages, spreading awareness to its millions of readers about infant loss, infant leukemia, infertility, and that there is life after loss. Any help you can offer in voting, sharing, tweeting today would be GREATLY appreciated.

Love,
Kristin

To those fresh in grief.

2011-11-14T16:44:00.001-05:00

I feel like there has been so.much.loss lately.
It is almost too much to bear.

You hear stories about soldiers in war who have seen so many terrible things that they almost grow numb to the horrors they bear witness to.

That doesn't happen here.
In this corner of the loss world.
You never, ever grow numb.

When you come across the story of a little one who has died, when you see the pictures of their parents holding them and saying goodbye, or read (and can relate to) a final post from a mother who realizes that the battle has been lost.

There is no growing numb to that.

Empathy-
It is both a gift and a burden.

I cry for children I have never met.
For loved little lives unlived.
For the pain that their parents now face, and the tough journey that I know firsthand is ahead of them.

There are days when you almost have to step away because there is SO MUCH SADNESS AND GRIEF that you forget the other side, the happy, blessed, sun-shining side of the world even exists.

You forget that most children are born healthy.
That they get to live full lives.
Because it seems the deck is so stacked against them.

You have to make a conscious effort to remember to celebrate.
To remind yourself about the beauty.
And the good.
Because the dark cloud of grief and loss is so vast that it can weigh you down.

Why are so many children born destined to die?
Why are so many loved children lost?
Why are so many loving parents forced to walk the road of grief?

Why? Why? Why?

The injustice is overwhelming.

I was trying to think of the right things to say to a friend whose baby just died, and went back to an email that I had sent to my cousin when her daughter, Faith, died late last year.

I decided that I would share it with this friend. But also that I would share it here.
For what it's worth.

This is my advice to those fresh in grief.
Some of this may be familiar to those of you who have read here for a while.

All I can tell you are the few truths that I have learned on this journey. You will survive this. It may feel impossible in the coming days and weeks but I promise you, you will.

When you don't know what else to do - just keep breathing. Things don't return to the way they were, but you will find joy again with time.

Also know that you and your husband will in all likelihood grieve differently. That is okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just hold onto the love you have for one another, the love that created the amazing life that was your child, and you will come out the other side of this stronger than you can imagine.

Laughter is not a betrayal to the child you lost, and tears are not a betrayal to those loved ones you still have with you. Like the bible says “A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance.” It feels impossible but I promise you, you will dance again. And laugh.

It took me 8 months to even want to go on living. Two years until I smiled on a regular basis. That was my timetable. Do what feels best for you.

Even having walked this road, I find myself at a loss tonight. All I can do is tell you guys how loved you are, and direct as many prayers as I can from those I know in your direction.

My thoughts are with all those on this road.

Those who will start on this journey tomorrow.

And those who have come to a place where they can look back on the children they have lost with love, while embracing the possibility of the joys yet to come.

****READERS DIGEST CONTEST UPDATE: I NEED YOUR HELP
As a way to honor her third birthday, I have entered the Reader's Digest "Your Life" Contest with an entry about my experience mothering Peyton. The voting is open until November 15th, and you can vote once a day. It would mean a great deal to me to get Peyton's story in Reader's Digest. Can you please help me out by visiting this link and casting your vote for my entry.Thank you so much! I would really love to honor Peyton this way, as well as to raise awareness about infant loss, infertility, and the reality of Peyton's cancer.

Peyton's story is a rare one, but it still deserves to be told. xoxo

Heavy Heart - Baby Alexander Update

2011-11-09T22:35:00.004-05:00

It is with a heavy heart that I report to you all that this babyloss mommas club has claimed its newest member. Sweet Baby Alexander has passed away. He was a brave little warrior, and the sadness I feel at learning of his passing is beyond words.

Please send some messages of love and comfort to his mother, Amanda, at her blog http://alexandermerlin.blogspot.com/

I am devastated at the loss of this precious little boy, and would appreciate if you could all join me in remembering his parents in your prayers and positive thoughts.

RIP sweet baby boy. You have touched so many lives in your six months on earth.

Counting Blessings in the Dark

2011-11-07T07:43:00.003-05:00

There was a storm.
A big storm.
It hit our area the Saturday before Halloween.

A tree fell on our house.
Then another.

Large branches damaged our deck.
Landed on our car.

One of the trees that fell ripped the power lines out of our house,
and we were left in the dark.

NINE days later... We are still there.

The hotels in our area were booked immediately. Then most of them lost power, too, and people were left paying to sit in the dark and the cold.

The first few days we "toughed it out."
Poured water in the toilet to flush.
Ate food packed in snow.
Slept huddled in one bed in 20 degree weather,
trying to keep our Snowflakes from freezing.

Then a friend offered up a room at their house.
They had a generator that could power one space heater.
They used it in the guest bedroom to keep my little family warm,
while they slept in the cold.
Can you think of a more selfless act?

By Wednesday, with no end to the outage in sight, we headed out to stay with family who had gotten their power back, and have been there since.

Twice we were told our power was restored, and we packed up and headed home,
only to find it had not been.

The house was cold and dark.
Every tree in our yard had been destroyed.
It was pretty disheartening.

Yet moments like these make you realize just how good we've got it.

Yes, we complain about things like the price of oil (nearly $4 a gallon where I live, and the only way to heat our house)or about paying $5 a gallon for milk, but we generally don't have to worry about staying warm. Or having the lights on. Or our next meal.

My family struggles, as we all do these days, with our finances. I clip coupons. Worry about paying certain bills. Sacrifice to make ends meet. But our basic needs are always met. Even in this storm I knew the power would EVENTUALLY return. Life would EVENTUALLY go back to normal. That knowing, is itself, a blessing.

Over the course of the last week, I have learned that the friend of a friend died in pregnancy - leaving her husband without his wife and child. I learned that a very special baby that I have been praying for and have come to care so much about, is in all likelihood going to lose his battle.

These are REAL problems.

Yes, my property has suffered significant damage.
Yes, we have lost all of our food, and had to make it through some uncomfortably cold and damp nights.
Yes, we waited in line over an hour for gas - have been kept in the dark for nine days - and even lost our pet fish to the cold.

But my family is together.
And healthy.
And safe.

We have the love of family and good friends who were willing to take us in.

So I am counting these blessings.
Even in the dark I can see that they are what truly matter.

The Box On The Porch

2011-10-28T11:43:00.006-04:00

There is a box on my porch.
A cardboard box, with a blanket inside.

We had our first snow of the year last night. A flurry of large chunky flakes that left everything entombed in a heavy, transluscent frost. It was the kind of morning where you just want to pull the covers back up to your chin, and catch a little more sleep, which, of course, is impossible when two 7 month olds are having a turf war over who should get to stick their fingers in your belly button. Bubba won.

Each morning in this house starts with me venturing downstairs, babies in tow, to make Hubs a cup of coffee for his ride to work while he walks the dog. Today, upon returning from their walk, he told me that Charlotte the Wonder Pup had been barking like mad at something. Here is my recollection of the conversation that followed...

"I think I heard a kitty mewing," Hubs said.
"Really?"
"Pretty sure, yeah." He reached for his cup of coffee. "In the bushes by the front porch."
"Poor little kitteh." I said, looking out the window. "It's so cold this morning."
Hubs took a sip. "I was thinking we should maybe put out a box with some blankets."
"Yeah...I don't think so."

So before you start judging me, you should know that I love animals - all animals. In fact our sweet Charlotte the Wonder Pup was rescued as she was headed to the slaughter. It's just that I have a bit of a history (a sordid history) when it comes to stray cats.

Let me explain.

About five or six years ago, Hubs (then my fiance) and I came home from a party very late at night. As we approached our stoop, I saw an adorable black and white cat. "Here Kitty, Kitty," I called, with my arm out. "Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty." Hubs walked ahead of me up the stoop and flipped on the porch light so I could get a better look. To my horror, the "kitty" I was mere inches away from petting was actually a skunk! We ran inside just as he sprayed.

Then there was the time I saw an adorable little kitten curled up against the curb sleeping. She was white and grey and just beautiful. Unlike the earlier story where I had consumed a few glasses of wine before approaching the animal in question, this time I was completely sober. I walked over to her, hand out, calling, "Here Kitty. Kitty." Only kitty didn't respond... because kitty was dead.

So you take those two stories, and compound them with the fact that a very close friend of mine has been battling a horrendous (and in her case life threatening) bout of cat scratch fever the last year (which she just so happened to pick up while rescuing kittens in her yard) and yeah... you could say I am a just little gun-shy about stray cats.

Gun-shy - but still an animal lover.

So like I said, there is a cardboard box on the front porch with a blanket in it.

Here's to hoping a rabid raccoon doesn't wander in.

In Transition

2011-10-26T10:50:00.001-04:00

Maybe you've noticed that the look of this blog has changed.
In many ways the changes to this space parallel the changes in my life.

I am in transition.

Of course I am still missing her - but the darkness of grief is not ALL of who I am now.
And yes I am loving mothering the twins - but that love doesn't tell the whole story either.

Somewhere between what has happened, and what comes next,
between what is and what can never be,
between feeling robbed by her loss, and grateful for the perspective on life it has afforded me,
is the place where I live (and write) these days.

This space started as a grief blog.
Then a grief/infertility blog.
Then a grief/infertility/pregnancy after loss blog.
And now it is changing again.

I will always grieve Peyton. With every fiber of my being I feel her loss, in the good days and the bad days. And while my love for her is unwaivering, and I do the best I can at mothering a child who is no longer here, there is a whole side of myself that feels underrepresented in these posts.

The side that has embraced living.

There are so many days that I log on here wanting to share something noteworthy (to me at least) about my day. But then I worry. I worry that something I write may be triggering for someone who has come here fresh in their loss or infertility journey, and that such a post might be a sort of slap in the face.

I had thought that starting the Rodeo would be a safe way to share the twins here.
That it would give those folks who needed it a heads up to avoid my blog on a given day, but now I feel like I have painted myself into a corner with it because I might have SO MUCH to say about them on a Monday, or a Tuesday, but feel like I can't.

Then there are the days that I am dying to post about my latest writing project, or to tell a funny story, or share a general observation on life, but I worry then, too, that doing so would somehow be unfair to those readers who come here solely to identify with someone who is grieving.

So I write nothing.

The problem with writing nothing, is that I just.can't.do.it.
I am a writer.
I live, breathe, eat, sleep, love-love-love to write!

It is as if the events of my life are only confirmed to me once I have documented them. Even during the hospital stay with Peyton, we would go through so much with her during the day, but until I came home to journal it, or read it on her blog, it didn't feel real to me.

For a while I thought about starting a separate blog. An everything other than Peyton blog to chronicle my life with the twins, and my writing projects, but that just felt completely unrealistic, because my experiences with Peyton influence and color every other part of my world. The two sides of my life are not mutually exclusive.

I cry more easily, and laugh more fully - because of her.
I admire the beauty in the little things, and feel confident in taking on the big things - because of her.
I know the value in sometimes building yourself up, and the beauty that comes in sometimes allowing yourself to fall - because of her.

There is no other life to document. No life that is somehow outside of my love of and grief for my daughter. There is just this life. My life. And even when not talking specifically about her, Peyton is a huge part of what makes me me.

So I guess that's what this post is really all about.
A bit of a warning to my readers that not every entry here is always going to be centered around grief, or loss, or infertility.

Yes, this is still Peyton's place - her corner of the blogosphere.
And yes I miss her like crazy all of the time.

But like every big sister, Peyton shares my heart and my love with others now. There is room enough in there for her, and her siblings. For her father. Our friends. My writing, and other passions.

It only feels fitting that she would share this space too.

17th Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-10-21T08:35:00.003-04:00

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

CHRISTENING PICS!

Last weekend we had the babies Baptised. It was a truly lovely day. Here are a few of my favorite pics, courtesy of our lovely photog, Michelle Corraggio.

Bubba and Daddy

Me and Squeaks

LOVE this one

So that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Want to participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about whatever your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

****READERS DIGEST CONTEST UPDATE: I NEED YOUR HELP
As a way to honor her third birthday, I have entered the Reader's Digest "Your Life" Contest with an entry about my experience mothering Peyton. The voting is open until November 15th, and you can vote once a day. It would mean a great deal to me to get Peyton's story in Reader's Digest. Can you please help me out by visiting this link and casting your vote for my entry. I have fallen way behind, currently in fifth place, a full 12,000 votes behind first place! There were some issues with voting on my entry last week that sort of took me out of the running, but after contacting Reader's Digest about them, they seem to be fixed now. Also, you don't need a Facebook account to vote from what I have been told. Thank you so much! I would really love to honor Peyton this way, as well as to raise awareness about infant loss, infertility, and the reality of Peyton's cancer.

Peyton's story is a rare one, but it still deserves to be told. xoxo

Still Hers

2011-10-19T10:05:00.008-04:00

I've been in a sort of funny place this week. Vulnerable. Emotional. I've written a number of posts without hitting publish. I never do that.

We started breaking down Peyton's room this weekend. I know... I know... it's long overdue. These little ones now need their own space, and yet somehow, knowing that just didn't make the task any easier. Neither did the fact that Peyton never actually came home to that room. It was still hers.

I can still feel, see, smell, hear, taste exactly how it was to be in that room in August of 2008. I sat in the chair with my feet up on doctor's orders. Hubs assembled the crib piece by piece and hung shelves. I folded tiny clothes, placing them into lined drawers.

We were ready.

Today marks 1112 days since Peyton died, nearly 1/10th of my life has been spent missing her. 1112 days of looking for answers that don't exist. Of trying to understand who I am now, and figure out where to go from here. I have grown a bit in these last 1112 days. Joy comes more readily now, as does gratitude. But Peyton, my sweet, sweet Peyton. She is no less gone. No less absent from our every day lives. No less a gaping hole in my being.

There is now a couch on its side where Peyton's crib once stood. And a file cabinet. And an office chair. Items stacked in a corner until my writing space can be arranged. The years of grief and dust in which I had written her name on that crib has been wiped clean. The mattress removed, replaced by one with certifications assuring me that there will be nothing toxic coming from it as my child sleeps. That crib, so long identified in my mind as Peyton's, is now the place where Squeaks sleeps (or refuses to sleep, as the case has been this week) in a room down the hall. Her brother, by her side, in a crib all his own.

But in that room, that room once meant to be hers, I can still sense the little girl who never came home. The baby who smelled of sweet mint, and was the first to lay her head across my chest. I can still feel the child who made me a momma.

With time Peyton's room will be redecorated and re-purposed. The writing studio I have talked about for the last few years will come into being and the bumble bee decor will come off the walls, but it doesn't matter. For me that room is still hers. It will always be hers, and I will always wish that she had come home to it.

READERS DIGEST CONTEST UPDATE: I NEED YOUR HELP
As a way to honor her third birthday, I have entered the Reader's Digest "Your Life" Contest with an entry about my experience mothering Peyton. The voting is open until November 15th, and you can vote once a day. It would mean a great deal to me to get Peyton's story in Reader's Digest. Can you please help me out by visiting this link and casting your vote for my entry. I have fallen way behind, currently in fifth place, a full 9000 votes behind first place! There were some issues with voting last week that sort of took me out of the running, but after contacting Reader's Digest about them, they seem to be fixed now. Also, you don't need a Facebook account to vote from what I have been told. Thank you so much! I would really love to honor Peyton this way. To raise awareness about the fact that little babies are born with, and die of, Leukemia. Peyton's story is a rare one, but it still deserves to be told. xoxo

URGENT. PRAYERS NEEDED FOR ALEXANDER NOW

2011-10-17T19:28:00.000-04:00

Please pray for this baby who has taken a turn for the worse.

Pray that his health will improve.

Please pray for his mother, Amanda, who has been so strong through this, and hop over to offer her some love.

Hey Universe - this dreadful babylost club already has enough members, we do NOT need another one.

http://alexandermerlin.blogspot.com/2011/10/october-17-2011.html

16th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-10-14T09:02:00.001-04:00

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

Da-A-Da-Da

Bubba's big on the DaDa thing right now. He also scrunches his nose and makes a funny face that appeared out of nowhere yesterday and has been cracking me up. Squeaks has cut her first two teeth. They both sit up well on their own now, though only for a few minutes at a time, and we are still working on the solids and sleeping through the night thing.

Here is a fun little video I captured of them when were driving home from the Ped's yesterday. Hubs was driving, have no fears, I wouldn't be videoing if I was! Don't mind the food on their faces - a failed attempt at feeding them sweet potatoes while in the car so they wouldn't have to wait till we were home. Yeah... didn't go so well. Also learned a valuable lesson on that car ride... sippy cups still do spill! Bubba got more water on his shirt than in his mouth! We still have to do some work on that one.

Enjoy!

So that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Want to participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about whatever your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

****
A side note: As a way to honor her third birthday, I have entered the Reader's Digest "Your Life" Contest with an entry about my experience mothering Peyton. The voting is open until November 15th, and you can vote once a day. It would mean a great deal to me to get Peyton's story in Reader's Digest. I am currently ranked in second place. Can you please help me out by visiting this link and casting your vote for my entry. Thank you so much!

Reality Check

2011-10-13T11:02:00.005-04:00

So staying home alone to take care of the twins. Yeah...

Don't get me wrong, I mean, I LOVE being home with them. Playing with them. Hearing them giggle. Watching them grow. I love all of that, I do, but sometimes the lack of sleep, the constant wrestling to get them into their diapers when all they want to do is flip and flip and flip right out of them, their new affinity for pinching me, the nipple biting while teething, and the on-the-boob-off-the-boob-on-the-boob during feedings, it gets to be a bit much.

And then of course we have the separation anxiety because we are now in THAT stage where any time I leave the room, or their corner of the room, or the immediate area, they cry like they will never see me again. It's endearing actually, to be THAT needed, THAT wanted, but it can also be draining.

And let's not forget the screaming at ten-thousand-decibels to each other, because when you are 7 months old, that is just HILARIOUS, or the whining for something that they want, and me trying, trying, TRYING to understand what that something is, because they don't yet have the words to tell me.

Sometimes at the end of a long day it's hard not to sink into how absolutely tiring the whole stay-at-home-mommy-of-twins thing can be. But then I take a step back and bitch-slap myself, because you know what? This exhaustion. This hard work. This is everything I ever hoped for and more. I have been truly, and DUAL-Y, blessed, and even I need a reality check from time to time.

After two plus long, silent, heart-breaking years I have been graced with two HEALTHY, beautiful children.

Are they a lot of work on my own? Heck yeah they are! A lot of work. No, really... A-lot-of-work, and my life would be infinitely easier if I had an extra set of hands here from time to time, but then I remind myself, when the days feel long, and my back hurts, and I haven't peed in 12 hours or eaten more than a bite of whatever just happened to be there, that every moment, every-single-stage with them is fleeting. My babies are growing, and they are growing fast. Last night Bubba laid across my chest and I found it hard to breath. Really. He is THAT big already. And they are laughing, and sitting up, and playing with each other. They have started conversing in their own special twin way, and to watch them take in the world around them with such bright eyed wonder is a dream come true. Every day that they do something new, is another step away from the last stage they were in, and I don't want to miss any of it.

And then there is the knowing. That even though we hope to have more children in the future, there is no guarantee of that. I know my tubes are shot. I know that making them required seven-long-months of bed rest. This was no easy feat, and there is a very good chance that this is the only time I will have babies doing what these babies are doing and I don't want to waste any of it having a pity party over the fact that I got exactly what I wished for.

So yes. Staying home by myself with twins is hard. And yes, I look like a zombie most days, but I am a happy zombie. A blessed zombie. A singing-silly-songs-to-keep-them-smiling zombie. And that is just fine by me.

In the future I will rest. I will sleep. I will go out to eat. At some point in the future I will have a date with my husband, maybe even feel sexy and like a woman again (rather than a spit-up covered mom). In the future I will wear pants that are not of the yoga-pajama-sweat suit variety, I will do my hair in something other than a messy pony-tail knot on the top of my head because time allows for it, and get my eyebrows waxed. I will wear make-up. Have more time for my writing. Maybe even grab a bite to eat with a girlfriend.

In the future I will do all of those things. But not now. Now is their time, and tiring as it may be at times, I embrace it.

Moments

2011-10-12T00:07:00.005-04:00

There are moments
perfect moments

like right after the rain

when the brave sun breaks through the clouds,
and roots itself into the earth with the bright willowy lines it has cast

or in the evenings
when I look up to find the moon
draped in perfect, wispy brushstrokes of cool condensation

and in these moments I know
without a doubt, I know
that you are there

among all that beauty

you are right there, child
experiencing this life with me

A side note: As a way to honor her third birthday, I have entered the Reader's Digest "Your Life" Contest with an entry about my experience mothering Peyton. The voting is open until November 15th, and you can vote once a day. It would mean a great deal to me to get Peyton's story in Reader's Digest. I am currently ranked in second place. Can you please help me out by visiting this link and casting your vote for my entry. Thank you so much!

15th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-10-06T22:05:00.002-04:00

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

SO HAPPY TOGETHER...

There are few things in life that bring me more joy, than bearing witness to the way Bubba and Squeaks interact. Here are a few pics of them just hangin' out last week... I love these pics, even if Squeaks DOES have green bean stuck under her nose.

The Snowflakes' latest milestones are saying "dadadadada" and making funny spit noises. Squeaks is a crawling machine, and Bubba is army crawling. They both are loving solids, though Squeaks will always look disgusted the first bite and demand each bite thereafter. They have mastered (and quite enjoy) stealing each other's toys, and think there is nothing better than chewing on on another's feet or hands.

God I love them.

So that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Want to participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about whatever your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

All Time Favorite Post - Time Warp Tuesday

2011-10-04T10:26:00.005-04:00

Kathy, at Four of a Kind, has come up with a great blog hop. It's called Time Warp Tuesday, and each week she gives you a theme, and you look through your archives for a post that fits that theme. I was torn this week, because the theme is All Time Favorite Post, and honestly, that's a tough one. I turn to this blog for so many things - to vent, to share, to celebrate, to cry, to express myself through the written word, to create, to document - and each post has a different significance for me. I have a favorite poem. A favorite vent. An epiphany that means the world to me. And then certainly, without a doubt, the announcement of the safe arrival of my Snowflakes has been my favorite moment documented here, so picking my All Time Favorite Post actually felt a lot harder than it may sound.

I've already decided which post I will be submitting to Mel's creme de la creme for 2011, and was going to post that here today, but while that may be my favorite post from this year, to get my All Time Favorite Post I have to go back - way back, to a post titled On Falling.

This post is my favorite because it brings me spiritually and creatively back to a place where I felt so in tune with my emotions. It highlights what a gift grief can be. Yes, you read that right - a gift - because grief provides you with a deeper, richer view of the world. It helps you to see meanings that you may have overlooked before loss. It proves that even in the pain, there is still so much beauty to be found. Beauty that encourages you to keep trying. To keep going.

Many of you have already read the post. Some of you have not. Give it a read and let me know what you think, then be sure to hop over to Four of a Kind and submit your own favorite.

Three Years Ago.

2011-10-03T10:27:00.003-04:00

Three years ago, baby girl, you left and my world crumbled. I thought, on that day, that I had hit rock bottom. I was wrong. Rock bottom came later. Months later. Possibly years later. Rock bottom came in the crying and the grieving and the depression and the PTSD. It came in the flashbacks and the never ending questioning and the anger. Rock bottom came, and it went, and through all of it you were there, your little spirit guiding me in that way you always do, and we survived.

I can't think about that day without second guessing every-single-decision that we made on your behalf. If the right decisions had been made, wouldn't you still be here?

This year feels different than the last two. The first anniversary of your death was like dying all over again. Last year I remember laying in bed with your siblings floating in my big belly, and crying until I felt I couldn't breathe. I begged them at the time to understand. I explained to them that there are tears that will always come for you. For what you went through and never got to experience and your beautiful little unlived life. This year I find myself treading water, trying with all my might to not go there, not because you aren't missed. Not because I love you any less. But because I have these two little beings here who are dependant on me. They learn everything from me, the good and the bad, and I don't want them to know at 7 months about a level of darkness that it took me 28 years to be exposed to.

I am trying to think of the right words here. The ways to tell you that I think of you constantly. You never leave my mind. My thoughts. My heart. I have your picture on the window sill in the family room, and every day, every-single-day I look at it trying to remember how you smelled, to breathe in that sweet minty smell that was you, and to recall your features. When I went through your box the other day, I was struck by how absolutely tiny your hands were. How could someone with such a huge personality have been so tiny? But you were... weren't you? Too tiny to fight such a giant's battle, but you did, and with a level of grace far beyond your years, and one that I can only strive to ever live up to.

I wish I had the strength to be an advocate for you. I see so many parents lose their children to cancer and they trudge forward honoring them by raising funds and awareness. Truth be told, when I hear about childhood cancer, I curl up inside myself. I retreat. I run scared. I feel ill, and struggle not to be flashed back there. To the helplessness. To the horrors. I was so scared Peyton. Every moment of your life I was scared. And in over my head. When you came into this world, I didn't even know how to bathe a baby, and yet I was being asked to make decisions regarding treatment plans and chemotherapy. It was too much.

If I had it to do all over again, knowing what I know now, I think I would have pushed to birth you naturally. Even knowing that your little body wouldn't have survived it. I just can't help but to feel that in some way, sparing you of all of it would have been kinder. I wish you hadn't had to feel one needle stick. One test. One spinal tap. One surgery. I wish you had been spared, instead floating painlessly from this life to the next. Someday, when I leave this world and we are reunited, I hope to make this all up to you. I like to think we will be in some beautiful field somewhere, with the sun shining, the birds singing, and the clouds floating over, and I will hold you in my arms, watch the light dance across your face, and rock and rock and rock you, until we both feel whole again.

I love you.

Momma

Keeping the Faith

2011-09-30T07:25:00.005-04:00

No rainbow rodeo today. Will pick it back up next week.

Instead, today I am asking that you keep my cousin's daughter, Faith, in your hearts as we celebrate what should have been her third birthday. Faithy passed away in December of complications from Congenital Heart Disease.

If you had been following Faith's story, or would just like to send some love to her momma, Erica, you can do that by either visiting her link, or leaving her a message here. I will be sure she sees them.

Also, Erica is doing a toy drive in Faith's memory, for the children at Boston Children's Hospital. You can read more about that here.

Happy Birthday Faithy. We all love and miss you so much!

The punchline.

2011-09-29T11:26:00.011-04:00

There was a dead bird on the back deck.
A sparrow, I think.

I noticed her outside the window Monday morning.
Something about her reminded me of Peyton.

Her stillness.
Her beauty.

Death couldn't steal that from either of them.

We have a large window at the back of our living room.
By the way the sparrow had landed - stomach up, wings folded over her chest - I assumed that she had flown into the glass and broken her neck.

I hope she never saw it coming.
Never felt it.
I would like to think that she flew straight from this world to the next, skipping the painful part of her journey altogether.

The babies and I spend the majority of our time in the living room, and on Monday, every time I passed the window, I stopped to pay homage to that little bird. When Hubs came home I told him about her, and he agreed, upon seeing her, that she was indeed beautiful.

Monday had been a particularly rough day. As you may recall from my post earlier this week, Squeaks decided to keep life interesting by eating the stuffing out of a diaper, which had resulted in a call to Poison Control, so by the time we were finally getting the snowflakes ready for bed, it was nearly 8PM and I was fully exhausted - and starving.

Hubs headed out to grill some steaks while I fed, changed, and put down the babies. It took longer than usual, which was probably due to the fact that we had had a very full day with little napping. When I felt comfortable that the babies were going to nod off, I headed downstairs to help with dinner.

Fifteen minutes later Squeaks let out a terrible shriek from upstairs, and Hubs, having finished his grilling, went up to help her. I could hear him rocking her in their room, because our rocker is long overdue for some WD-40, but Squeaks was still inconsolable, so I put dinner aside and went running upstairs, figuring only the boob would calm her.

That's when it happened.

As I was turning the corner in front of the stair case, I nearly tripped over a dark lump in the center of the hallway. It was my dead bird.

Charlotte, our suddenly very proud looking puppy, padded by, saw my expression, and turned to head for the hills.

There was bird everywhere - little feathery bits in my hallway. My kitchen. The family room.

I ~~called~~, ~~yelled~~, screamed at the top of my lungs to Hubs something along the lines of, "Nag! Nag! Nag!... I told you about that bird!... Nag!... What do you mean you forgot?... Nag!... Well of course the dog went after her... she's a dog!"

His reaction to the whole episode was a non-reaction, which, if I am being honest here, made my blood boil.

Let's call upon another earlier post, shall we? The one where I admit to being a bit of a germophobe, and by a bit - I mean a huge, what do you mean you open the bathroom door with your bare hands and don't wash your hands before eating? germophobe.

So here it was, now 9PM, and I had been up since 5AM (when the boy gave me a urine soaked wake up call) had dealt with the dog peeing on the floor, had swept silica infused diaper bits out of my daughter's mouth, placed a call to Poison Control, been vomited all over, dealt with two non-napping cranky snowflakes, had not eaten so much as a bite of food all day, and now, to top it off, had Jackson Pollack style bird bits spread throughout my house.

I was NOT a happy camper.

I did the only thing I could do - ~~mope~~, ~~fume~~, ~~fuss~~ - took care of Squeaks and then got to cleaning.
And cleaning...
And cleaning...

It took me 2+ hours to mop all of the floors (three passes of course because of that whole dead bird thing) - 1st- soap and water, 2nd - vinegar and water, 3rd - a thin layer of rubbing alcohol where I had seen bits of birdie "just in case." Of course the entire time I was doing this, I was thinking about the previews for that movie Contagion. Come on, you've seen them - where the bird flu wipes out all of humanity. Anyhow, I guess I was focused more on that, than the fumes, because when the floor was finally cleaned to my liking, I felt sick - light-headed, nauseated, dizzy. Being sick got me to thinking about why I felt sick, and when I realized it was probably not early onset bird flu, but instead the result of not opening the window while using rubbing alcohol, I couldn't help but wonder if having breathed so much of it in could have any affect on my breastmilk.

So I did what any ~~ridiculous~~ sane person in my position would do. I called Poison Control ... again.

I explained my situation and they told me that they had "no data on the effects of rubbing alcohol and breastmilk."

Huh?

I mean it's rubbing alcohol! A staple. Most households have at least a bottle of the stuff lying around. You would think they would have some data. Anyway the woman referred me to the Pregnancy Risk Line and told me I would have to wait till the morning to call because they were closed. Uh... yeah. Not helpful since the babies eat a hundred times a night, so she told me to call my Ped, who told me to call the Children's Hospital nurse on call, who told me to call Poison Control!

Long story short - the nurse finally told me I should pump and dump, so I did, and wouldn't you know it, the second, the VERY second I finally got done pumping and dumping and was ready to sit down, the babies woke up to be fed.

I have come to realize that sometimes in life you are the one telling the joke, and sometimes you are the punchline.

There is no doubt in my mind.
Monday - I was the punchline.

I need your help.

2011-09-27T09:16:00.001-04:00

I know I have mentioned it here a few times before, but I entered a story about Peyton into the My Life the Reader's Digest Version writing contest, and I would really, really love to get it published to honor what should have been her third birthday. She is currently in second place behind a story about a dog. Can you please help me by visiting the link below, and voting for my story, "I Choose To Fly." each day. The voting runs through November 15th. Thank you so much to everyone who can help by voting and spreading the word. This has been something positive to focus on during grief season, and I can't tell you how much it would mean to me to share Peyton's story in Reader's Digest.

Also, it turns out you do NOT need to have a Facebook account to vote. Thank you so much!

http://apps.facebook.com/yourlifecontest/node/1789

#ParentingFail

2011-09-26T16:18:00.017-04:00

My morning went something like this...

The boy peed on the bed.

The dog peed on the floor.

The girl ate a diaper.

I called Poison Control.

Wait, what!?

So here is an interesting little factoid to tuck into your back pocket. The most common call that Poison Control receives from parents of infants is in regards to diaper eating, or more specifically, diaper stuffing eating. Not wanting to feel left out - Squeaks ate a diaper.

Well not a whole diaper, of course, though she may have if given the chance, just a bite.

Sweet Potatoes? - No!
Carrots? - No!
Silica gel infused cotton blend? - Yes Please!

This is all pretty ironic because as you may recall (note the pic in the upper right) we use cloth diapers. Well 99% of the time at least. There is that 1% where we use disposables on day trips, or if the babies need rash cream and we don't want to ruin the inserts, and it is because of that 1% that today's events were made possible.

Great...

So back to the diaper eating...

Bubba and Squeaks have been doing this thing where they roll when being changed. They are strong, and squirmy, and I feel like I have been through the toughest Zumba class of my life each time I have to change a diaper, which with two, is roughly 15,000 times a day. I asked around for advice on this one and someone told me to: "put something in their hands, even just another diaper will work, and they will be so distracted that they will stay still."

Sounded simple enough.

So this morning, when Squeaks started rolling and rolling and sweat was breaking on my brow, I remembered the sage advice offered above, and seeing a disposable diaper on the changing table, I reached for it and handed it to her (why I didn't grab another cloth diaper, we will never know) so that I could proceed to wipe her bottom. That's all I did. Wipe her off and close her up. It took ten seconds, tops, and when I smiled at her and said, "all done!" she smiled back - with a mouth full of cotton!

Oh holy crap!

Kicking into high baby first aid gear I sat her up, swept her mouth with my finger, rushed her to the sink, did a few splashes of water, finger swept again, and called Poison Control. The woman on the other end of the line gave me that fact about this happening all the time, and assured me that there was nothing to worry about. While the silica in the diapers (as well as that in those little DO NOT EAT packets for what it's worth) can be a choking hazard, it is not actually toxic.

Phew!

I hung up the phone and Squeaks smiled at me, or maybe she rolled her eyes, because she had that look a teenager gets when she thinks her mom worries about the silliest things, and then proceeded to throw up (probably more from being jostled around so shortly after a feeding than anything) all over me. To be honest, even though the diaper chunks down the front of my shirt just added insult to injury, I was actually pretty happy that she had thrown up, so as to allow any left over bits of cotton and silica to come out.

So there you have it. The events of my morning, because all of this happened before 9AM, which makes me wonder what the hell the rest of the week has in store for us. The good news to report is that here we are, several hours later, and Squeaks is playing and smiling and doing just fine.

Just another day in the life...

14th Friday Rainbow Blog Rodeo

2011-09-23T08:40:00.004-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

Just hanging around....

Caught this video of The Snowflakes this morning.

Squeaks was chewing on Bubba's feet, which is what I wanted to get on the video, but as always, they spotted the camera before I could.

Can you tell who our extrovert is?

I love how Bubba just keeps on keepin' on - like nothing is happening at his feet.

And because we are still transitioning into solids...

a few more eating pictures.

Here the babies are enjoying winter squash.

Yummo!

Look closely... do you see my two new bottom teeth?

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

Tucked Away In Some Corner

2011-09-21T15:29:00.010-04:00

I feel sick.
Like vomit sick.

I thought I would feel differently.
I thought moving it would bring me a step closer to healing.

Today I tackled this --

It has sat under my dining room hutch for three years.
It has stared at me, reminding me every.single.day.

I didn't know what to do with it then.
I still don't.

Opening it was a sucker punch.
Cards that tell me how sorry people are that my baby is dead.
A box with casts of her hand and foot prints.
A locket of her hair.
Her pacifier.

There is a tiny bit of matter on one of the casts.
A speck of something --
Maybe dust.
Maybe blood.
It was the last thing on my daughter's hand when she died.
It is entombed forever in that cast.

This is so fucked.
All of it.
No one should have a box like this in their dining room.
No one should have cards saying, "I am sorry your baby died."
No one should have a few strands of hair as the only remaining DNA to prove their child existed.

I thought it would be a relief to move it.
I thought I would feel better --
I don't.

My grief is like this box of items.
It may appear neat, tucked away in some corner,
but peek under the cover and you'll see --
inside it is still just a mess.

Pass The Hand Sanitizer Please

2011-09-19T11:02:00.006-04:00

Okay, confession time.

I am a people person who doesn't actually like being around people.

Confused yet?

Let me elaborate...

I have always been a little OCD when it comes to germs. Okay, not totally true. I have always been A LOT OCD when it comes to germs, which is funny, and a bit ironic, considering the fact that I used to make my living in medical sales which was open doors-say hello-shake hands-make deal-shake hands again-open new doors-shake new hands- and on and on all day long. I kept (keep, I still keep, kept implies I have somehow moved past this phobia) hand sanitizer in my car to squirt between meetings, always opened public restroom doors with paper towels, never touched the faucets, wouldn't eat from public salad bars, take my shoes off before coming in the house, wash my groceries before putting them away and on. and on. and on.

So anyway, this fear of germs thing is nothing new, but somehow it is heightened, very heightened, TERROR ALERT ORANGE heightened, when I am out with the babies because no matter where we go, or what I am "trying" to do, without fail some icky person will come over wanting to touch them. Strangers. Wanting to touch them. After blowing their noses. Picking their eyes. Wiping their mouths. NOT WASHING THEIR HANDS! I have a sign on their car seats that reads "Please wash your hands before touching mine." What I wish it said was, "Don't Touch My Babies YOU FILTHY DISEASE MONGER!" which is ironic, because I used to think about how wonderful it would be to be that mom in the store, with the adorable LIVING baby, that people came over to check out.

So why not now?
I'll tell you...

I don't live in the normal universe.

I live in this corner of the universe where I know about babies, too many babies... too many beautiful and PERFECT and MUCH LOVED babies who have died from everything from the common cold, to a cold sore, and I hear those stories and they scare the hell out of me and leave me feeling on alert. People come near us and I find myself scanning them. Is their nose running? Are they coughing? Sneezing? Looking generally "unwell." And yet, even as careful (as ree-donk-u-lously careful) as I am, there is always that lady, the one who slips in when I have turned my head for a second to grab a package of eggs (in a plastic produce bag, of course, just in case some salmonella got on the outside of the container) off the shelf, and stuck her hands on their faces, or in one instance, her dirty finger in their mouth! No really, a stranger stuck her finger in Bubba's mouth. Who the hell does this?

So it leaves me in this ironic place where I want to be left alone when we are out and about, but I have babies, two smiling, cooing, adorable babies, which is practically like waving a sign that reads, "COME SEE THESE TWINS!"

It's a tough balance.

I don't want to be a smother mother. I really, really don't. I think it is a fear that anyone in the babyloss community has who parents living children, or plans to in the future. None of us want to transfer our fears and anxieties because of the things, the horrible, horrible things, that we have seen, onto our children, because that is just unfair to them, and they deserve to live with the naivete that we all used to live under, but I don't know how NOT to worry when the lady at the pediatrician's office has a cold sore and wants to weigh my babies. I don't know how NOT to worry when the guy who just grabbed steak out of the meat container, walks over and wants to grab their feet. I don't know how NOT to worry when that guy with a rash is rubbing up against their stroller.

So I guess that's my real question... how do you NOT worry, when you know too much?

P.S. I intended for this post to be a funny laugh-laugh look at my germophobic idiosyncrasies kind of thing. Yeah... ummm... #fail

P.S.P.S. Home sick today. Thought it was mastitis. Went to the doctor who proceeded to check my boobs without washing his hands. Just reached out and grabbed 'em before I could say anything. Yeah... like I won't be thinking about THAT all day.

Peyton's Birthday and the 13th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-09-16T09:38:00.001-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

First Time Celebrating Peyton's Birthday

So this is actually from last week, at Peyton's Birthday, but it was a first for the Snowflakes so I decided to include it in the rodeo. You may recall that last year, Peyton's birthday was anything but peaceful. I had started to bleed at the cemetery, which set off seven months of bedrest. Needless to say, this year was MUCH nicer...

For Peyton's birthday, my husband and father turned Peyton's spot from this:

Into this:

Isn't it beautiful!

Here are a few shots of them hard at work...

After the garden had been updated, we wrote messages for Peyton and got ready for our yearly balloon release...

We decided to do things a little differently this time. We wanted The Snowflakes to participage, so we handed them the balloons and let them decide when they would let go.

Squeaks is as impatient as her mother. She let go right away...

Bubba took a little more time, and released them one by one...

But finally, off they went...

I don't know what age The Snowflakes will be when realize what this ceremony is all about, but I do know that Peyton was smiling down on us that day, happy to have her siblings here safely to help celebrate.

In other news, the babies have started to sit up unassisted (though after a bit they topple over) and have learned to steal toys from one another, find a high decibel range and hang out there for far-too-long, and to cry if they feel the other one is getting too much attention. I guess even cute babies have their days...

To end on a happy note...

Bubba wears his ear infection medicine well...

And Fashionista Squeaks says 'Sweet Potatoes are all the rage this season.'

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

****
A side note: As a way to honor her third birthday, I have entered the Reader's Digest "Your Life" Contest with an entry about my experience mothering Peyton. The voting is open until November 1st, and you can vote once a day. It would mean a great deal to me to get Peyton's story in Reader's Digest. Can you please help me out by visiting this link and casting your vote for my entry. Thank you so much!

Life Lessons Peyton Taught Me

2011-09-14T23:38:00.016-04:00

No amount of time with someone you love can ever be 'enough' time.

Big changes come in small packages.

It is possible to love someone so much that it hurts.

Life isn't fair.

Appreciate everything you have right now, in this moment.

You are not the same person you were before loss.
That's not necessarily a bad thing.
Empathy is a gift.

Good people get hurt.
Bad people also get hurt.
No one is immune to it.

Some situations truly are impossible.

Right or wrong, a mother always blames herself.

When you least expect it - grief sneaks up on you.

There is no shortage of grief in this world.
There is no shortage of beauty in this world.

Begrudging someone for having it easy will not make your own path any less difficult.

There are no guarantees in this life.

Sometimes those who should - don't, and those you never expected to-do.
Focus on the do-ers because a friend who won't walk with you in sorrow, doesn't deserve to dance with you in joy.

Keep trying, or keep dying - the choice is yours.

Laughter is good medicine. It is not a betrayal.

Sometimes our greatest strength is in our willingness to show weakness.

Parenthood is a privilege.

Grief is personal.
It is also never ending.
The grieving don't owe anyone an explanation.

Find a reason to be thankful every-single-day, even if just for the fact that you made it to another day. It will sustain you.

Find a way to be creative every-single-day.
It, too, will sustain you.

You can deal with the emotions of your loss now, or you can deal with them later.
Either way, you will have to deal with them.

There is no shame in embracing the pain.

A tiny life can have a huge impact.

You are a work in progress.

Embracing your blessings is not the same as moving on.

There are times when you have to stop doing something to someone in order to do something for them.

Death is no match for love.

You are stronger than you think you are.
You are also weaker than you would have imagined yourself to be.

The end of your world is not the end of THE world.
The world will keep turning.
Only you can decide how long to stand still.

You can never go back to the way things were.

Gone does not mean forgotten.
Little does not mean insignificant.

There is no 'right thing' to say.
That doesn't excuse saying nothing at all.

You can't let death keep you from living.

Every experience, even the most painful ones, bring beauty in some form.

****
A side note: As a way to honor her third birthday, I have entered the Reader's Digest "Your Life" Contest with an entry about my experience mothering Peyton. The voting is open until November 1st, and you can vote once a day. It would mean a great deal to me to get Peyton's story in Reader's Digest. Can you please help me out by visiting this link and casting your vote for my entry. Thank you so much!

12th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-09-08T23:42:00.003-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

Teething and Sleeplessness and Ear Infections - Oh My!

It's been an interesting week.

A long and interesting week.

It's rained every day and we have been dealing with teething and sleeplessness and ear infections. Needless to say, the snowflakes have been a bit grumpalicious. Luckily, putting them into their Yankees outfits was enough to cheer them up. I just love the way that they pal around with one another.... Hope you enjoy the pics... even you Red Sox fans out there :)

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

*****

A little side note.

As many of you know, I submitted a story about Peyton to Reader's Digest. Voting is a big component in how they decide which story they will publish. Would you please take a moment to vote for my story by clicking here? You can vote once per day. Thank you so much for helping me!

A Day In The Life

2011-09-07T10:29:00.002-04:00

I have been up since roughly 1:30 this morning.
Yup. 1:30.
The boy is teething.
The girl is teething.
The boy is growing.
The girl is growing.
Teething.
Growing.
Teething.
Growing.
Up to cuddle and comfort one.
Down to feed the other
At some time in between, I think Bubba attempted to pierce my nipple with his tooth.
He has two now.
Yup - two.
One broke through last week. The second yesterday.
It's raining here.
It rained all day yesterday as well.
That adds to my desire to crawl under the sheets, pull the covers to my chin, and sleep-sleep-sleep.
Or even just sleep, without the extra sleep-sleep.
A nap.
A catnap.
I am pooped.
Or tuckered.
Knocked Down.
Dragged Out.
EXHAUSTED.
Yesterday Squeaks was in a funk.
She cried.
And fussed.
And screamed.
It was very un-Squeaks like, since she is usually the happiest baby on the block.
Her attitude today makes yesterday look like a walk in the park.
Did I mention we also have six month shots this afternoon?
Yeah, that should be fun.
So...who wants to babysit?

Something A Little Different...

2011-09-06T09:47:00.004-04:00

Happy Monday All.

I am over at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed today talking about my experiences with PCOS and Diet.

Happy Third Birthday Peyton!

2011-09-04T09:28:00.011-04:00

Happy Third Birthday Sweet Girl!

Today we celebrate your birth, not as I would like, with candles and a cake and you running around, little curls bouncing, with all your friends, but in the best way that the situation allows. We are stamping the last of the books that came in for the Doing Good In Her Name book drive today, so that they can be dropped off at the NICU this week, and then we will head to your grave with Gramma, Pop-Pop, and your siblings, to put in some pavers around your garden and add some new life to the plantings there.

I wish I could hold you, and sing Happy Birthday, but instead I will close my eyes, and go to that place we once shared, when I held you to my chest, sang "Smile", and drummed a soft tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap against your back.

Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. Where there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile, through your fear and sorrow. Smile, and maybe tomorrow. You'll see the sun come shining through, if you just smile.

Mommy is tone deaf, but you let her sing anyway. Do you remember?

I so wish you were here little girl. Safe. Healthy. Whole. I wish... I wish... I wish... Just know how loved you are. How missed you are. That regardless of the the space and the time and the universe that keeps us apart you are still my daughter. I am still your mother. Nothing, not even death, can erase that.

Happy Birthday Peyton.

Momma loves you!

11th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-09-02T07:35:00.002-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

Just Hanging Around...

Found Squeaks chillaxing on Bubba's Belly this week.
He didn't seem to mind. I thought it was super cute

And here they are just having fun together...

See the turkeys on his sleeper?

This was meant to be his First Thanksgiving outfit (it is a size 9 months) but

HE IS ALREADY OUTGROWING IT!

And in other news... Bubba has cut his first tooth!
The bottom left one.

No good pics of that yet, as it is just barely coming up -

maybe next week.

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

PRAYERS NEEDED Something More Important...

2011-09-01T15:00:00.000-04:00

...than my stupid moping from earlier today.

Please, please, PLEASE pray for this little boy to pull through. Pray for strength for his mother. Pray that she doesn't join this dreadful club.

http://alexandermerlin.blogspot.com/2011/09/september-1-2011.html

If you could send her a note of encouragement through this rough time, that would be great.

Stand Back...

2011-09-01T12:22:00.004-04:00

I'm grumpy.
And annoyed.
And, I imagine, not a whole lot of fun to be around.
I hate that about grief season.
You never know how it is going to hit you.
This year it has hit me with a bitch-slap of funk, and not the good kind either.
So this is me sitting in the corner and sulking by myself...only in a very public version of 'by myself.'
Ugh.

**Update
Took a drive.
Ate some chocolate.
Smiled at the babies.
That helped...

Peyton's Story

2011-08-31T09:01:00.003-04:00

First, I would like to say thank you for all of the amazing and supportive comments and messages that I received following Monday's post. That has been an area of great shame for me these past three years, and your kind words have really helped me through a rough few days of dealing with those memories and emotions.

The Fall is grief season for me - Peyton was due in August. Born in September. Died in October. Reader's Digest was asking people to submit their life story for possible publication in the magazine, and I decided to give it a go in honor of Peyton's birthday. In November, Reader's Digest will announce whose story is going to be published, and for me, it is something "good" to look forward to in a season that is otherwise extremely difficult.

That's where I need your help. If you have Facebook, I would really appreciate your going to this link and voting for my story. It will give you some funny message about allowing the app, and then you will have to "like" the RD page to vote, but for anyone familiar with FB it is pretty standard for these sort of things.

If you have trouble finding the story, it is "I Choose To Fly" by Kristin Binder.

The good news is that you can vote once per day. They are expecting some 50,000 entries, and will only consider the top 100 vote getters, so I need ALL THE HELP I CAN GET :)

When Peyton died, she left me with the gift of a renewed love for writing. As a writer, it would mean so much to me to pay tribute to her birthday in such a public way, with the words she has inspired in me.

Thanks in advance for your help in voting.

Love to you all.

10th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-08-25T20:38:00.005-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

SOLIDS!!!!!

We have moved up to solids this week.

Today was day three of organic brown rice cereal.

"You want us to eat what?"

Mom says, "Just give it a try."

"Mmmm.... I guess it's not so bad."

"Yum!"

"I'm full."

"Bubba, I'll eat what you don't finish!"

"I love being a big girl and using my spoon!"

"That was fun. When do we eat next?"

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

Thanks for riding along on the rodeo!

Wordless Wednesday - Visiting

2011-08-24T09:40:00.001-04:00

9th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-08-18T23:25:00.000-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

We had a visit from the babies' Uncle Patrick, who just happens to be an amazing photographer. Check out these gorgeous shots he took of our little snowflakes...

And in other news... this week Bubba *finally* got the hang of jumping in the jump and go. Here he does a little jig. Squeaks gets a real kick out of his moves...

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

Thanks for riding along on the rodeo!

Some Days...

2011-08-17T19:32:00.015-04:00

Some days are hard.
Really hard.
Embarrassingly hard.

Some days make you feel like a complete fool for having thought that nothing could ever exhaust you after all you had been through.
After all you had seen.
After loss.

Some days it feels like you are giving it everything you have and then some.
100%.
And you just need a minute.

And then that, just that mere thought that you need a minute to yourself, makes you feel like an ingrate.

Like, how dare you?

You have this chance.
This opportunity.

You have been blessed!

How dare you complain about anything trivial?
You've lost that right.

Some days are a wrestling match from beginning to end.
Because there are two of them.
And one of you.
And even though they are happy, and healthy, and smiley... sometimes they can also be a handful.

Some days are like today, and you don't know how you made it to bedtime because you are just spent.
And you think, My gosh. Will tomorrow be like this too?

But then there is that moment.
When they look up at you with those big blue eyes.
And they smile.

And in that moment you know...

That tomorrow is another day.
A new day.

Tomorrow you can start fresh.

At being the best mom that you can be.
At being the best you that you can be.

Some days take a toll on you,
but in their smiles you can see the truth -

that tomorrow you will find your way.

BlogHer Book Club - Review of The Kid

2011-08-17T15:56:00.003-04:00

I love to write.
I love to read.
BlogHer has given me the opportunity to review books for the BlogHer Book Club.
What could be better than that?

Today my second review went live for the book The Kid, by Sapphire. The Kid is the long awaited sequel to the best seller Push (later made into the film Precious.) It was the most difficult book I have ever had to work my way through. To find out why, just click the link below.

8th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-08-11T21:50:00.003-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

What's So Funny?

This video sort of speaks for itself. Enjoy!

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate? It's easy! Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

Thanks for riding along on the rodeo!

i am evolving

2011-08-10T10:14:00.005-04:00

i am evolving

changing

i am hers

i am theirs

i am both

i am that butterfly

the one who as a caterpillar thought the world was over

who spent two years beating against the dark walls of her cocoon

feeling the pain leave its impressions on her skin

one day a crack appeared in my shell

allowing a small ray of hope to pour through

and i realized that i just might survive

i am changed

different

learning to fly

i am spreading my wings

admiring my colors

noting the spots and designs that loving her left

the ones that make me - me

i am evolving

and it feels good

7th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo - Come Join The Fun!

2011-08-04T21:01:00.001-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

CASUAL FRIDAY - CLOTHING OPTIONAL... DIAPERS NOT

Here are a few pics I snapped of the babies last Friday. Their drooling was out of control with all the teething they have been doing, so after about the fourth wardrobe change, I gave up and we went au naturale.

Another tough day at the office.

Who doesn't love chubby baby bottoms?
We like the Seventh Generation dipes when the cloths are all in the wash.

Tummy Time!

I also took this video of the two of them. They were having a great little conversation back and forth, which is what I had intended to capture, but what I got was even better. Notice how patient Bubba is with Little Miss Squeaks poking and prodding at him. Well patient that is, until he gets hungry.

It's these little moments between them that make my heart swoon.

Enjoy!

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?

Wanna know how you can participate?

It's easy!

Just write a post on your own blog about what your Rainbow(s) has been up to this week, and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below.

Thanks for riding along on the rodeo!

24 Hours In Hell

2011-08-04T10:43:00.006-04:00

I am grateful to be writing the post I am about to write.

More grateful than you can possibly know.

Here is why.

Bubba has a rash.

Nothing too impressive.

Here, check it out for yourself.

We went to the doctor's yesterday to have it looked at. It isn't the first time he has had a rash, he tends to be more prone to baby acne, cradle cap, contact rashes etc, so I wanted to talk about what else I might need to eliminate from my diet.

While there, I noticed a tiny red dot.

Also, not very impressive.

It looked like a pin prick.

I pointed it out to the doctor.

He pressed on it and it did not blanch.

He pressed on the rash on Bubba's belly.

A few of those also did not blanch.

The doctor told me we had to have blood drawn,

a complete blood count and another test I didn't recognize the abbreviations for,

to rule out some things.

One of the things they needed to rule out... Leukemia.

Yes, you read that right.

Leukemia.

Even typing that vile word makes me want to vomit.

I saw stars.

Felt the room spin.

"But Peyton's type of cancer doesn't run in families."

The doctor told me he wasn't concerned.
I tried to believe him.

He said to head over to Quest because they are good at getting blood from little babies.

He said if they couldn't get it there, we would have to go to the children's hospital.

THAT children's hospital.

The one where Peyton lived.

The one where Peyton died.

The one I can't even think of driving past without feeling a part of me die.

The doctor gave us a lab slip and told us not to worry.

Yeah... right.

We headed to Quest.

"You have to take him." I told Hubs. "I can't do it." I started to cry.

It wasn't seeing him get a needle I couldn't handle.

I fly solo on the trips to have them vaccinated.

I couldn't be there to see him have THAT test done.

I was a mess.

I felt suddenly weak.

I thought I might drop him if I took him in.

The whole visit took maybe 15 minutes.

When they came out, Bubba had a single tear in his eye.

"He was laughing right up till the point they stuck him." Hubs told me.

I scooped Bubba up into my arms.

I begged him to be okay.

I cried.

And cried.

There was no call last night with results.

I didn't know how to feel about that.

This morning I woke worried.

I called at 8.

At 8:30.

At 9:20.

"_____Pediatrics, this is Anne"

"I'm calling for my son's test results."

"His name"

"______ ______"

"Please hold a moment."

That 'moment' took nearly five minutes.

A myriad of thoughts ran through my mind.

Why was it taking so long?

Were they getting a doctor on the line?

I waited anxiously, repeating "He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine." with each second that ticked by.

My knees were shaking.

My hand holding the phone was shaking.

I heard a voice at the other end of the line.

"Hello, is this _____'s mom."

"Yes."
"This is Sherry, the nurse practitioner."

"Hi Sherry." My voice cracked. "Do you have ____'s results?"

"Yes I do. They are all normal."

Heavy sigh of relief. "Oh Thank God."

From there we discussed what else might have caused the red dot and the rash.

None of which were serious.

There are no words for the relief I am feeling today.

Last night I saw images of another life.

Of a different outcome.

I could see myself there, because I have been there.

It scared the hell out of me.

It made me want to curl into the fetal position on the floor and die.

Today I feel yet another new lease on life.

My son is healthy.

BOTH of my children are healthy, thank God.

And I am so, so grateful.

I am not a perfect mother

2011-08-01T20:02:00.009-04:00

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know."

-Ernest Hemingway

Okay... here we go.

I am not a perfect mother.

There.

I said it.

That is my one true sentence.

I was not a perfect mother to Peyton.

Another true sentence.

I loved her - yes.

I wanted her to live - yes.

I miss her every day - yes.

But I wasn't perfect.

I was scared - a lot.

I cried in front of her - a lot.

I felt robbed, even when she was with us, by the machines, and the procedures, and the cancer, and the projected outcome.

I was weak in my Faith during Peyton's life.

I still am.

I spent more time in the chapel yelling at Him for afflicting her, than I did believing He would cure her, and I will never know if that affected her outcome.

There were times I should have spoken up about flaws in her care.

I know that now.

At the time I didn't feel qualified to say anything.

Motherly enough to say anything.

What could I possibly have known more than the nurses?

I wasn't even allowed to give her a bath.

Peyton was never surrounded by pure joy.

Forced smiles - yes.

Feigned laughter - yes.

Intense love - yes. yes. yes.

But the true, pure, out and out joy that all children deserve - no.

I wasn't strong enough to overlook what was happening and simply rejoice in her life, and that is something I will always regret.

For these reasons, and more, I know I was not a perfect mother to Peyton.

But that doesn't tell the whole story.

There were things I did right.

Things I know that I even did well.

Like comfort her.

And make her feel safe.

Peyton knew I loved her.

I held her a lot,

and told her so at every opportunity.

I sang to her the songs from my childhood.

And did skin to skin time in the hopes that it would improve her blood counts.

I traced every inch of her.

Relished in each feature.

Breathed her in.

I talked to her about life outside the walls of the hospital.

And did my best to make the right decisions.

But some of them were wrong.

They must have been.

Had all the right decisions been made, Peyton would have survived.

Wouldn't she?

When I think of all the papers I signed and the procedures I put her through hoping to save her life, and now knowing that it was for nothing, I feel the heavy boot of regret settle on my throat.

I still love Peyton today with the same intensity that I did when she was here.

I miss her like mad and imagine what our life could have been, what it should have been, with her in it.

I was not a perfect mother to Peyton.

I know this much is true.

But I tried my best.

So, are you ready for one more true sentence?

I am not a perfect mother to my snowflakes.

There are things that I do well -I know that.

There are lessons I learned from loving and mothering Peyton that make me a better mother today than I probably would have been on my own.

Everything I do, and every decision I make, has been colored by my experiences with her.

Because of Peyton's life, I know to love better.
More fully.
More honestly.

I know to never let an opportunity to tell my children that I love them pass me by.

I know not to waste time, or take moments for granted.

I know how blessed, how truly, truly blessed I am to have them.

I know how important family is.

I know that they are the most important thing in my world.
That their happiness and safety are my top priorities.

That if I never succeed in anything else, this is something that I have to get right.

But...
I am not a perfect mother.

I get frustrated, really frustrated, at times.
And don't always have the answers.

I tend to overthink the small things, and I definitely worry too much.

I allow the hard lessons learned through child loss to cloud my judgement,or scare me away from certain people, places or experiences, because of some perceived risk that I see in them.

When I make the same rookie mistakes that any sleep deprived mother could make, I don't know how to give myself a break or how to let go of the "what ifs."

I made one such rookie mistake last week.

I was exhausted.
And distracted.
And I goofed.

I got home after running errands, and opened the car door to find my son looking up at me with trusting eyes in a car seat that had not been properly buckled.

I couldn't believe I could do something so stupid!

He could have been hurt.
Really hurt.
He wasn't.
But he could have been.

Noticing my mistake, I scooped my little Bubba up into my arms and started to cry.

I have already lost a child due to something outside of my control.
The thought of not doing everything within my control to keep my twins safe was just too much.

I am not allowed to make these kinds of mistakes.
I should know better.

Bubba, who has never seen me cry, just smiled and cooed and smacked at the wetness on my cheeks with his teething-soaked hands, no worse for the wear, despite my error.

He had forgiven me, but I couldn't forgive myself.

What if?
What if?
What if?!

In that moment, I felt undeserving because I am not a perfect mother.

Not that anyone has accused me of being one, of course.
I am just being honest.

I am not a perfect mother.

But I am a mother who sings silly songs to make her little ones smile.

I am a mother who tells her children how happy they make me.

I am a mother who gets down to their level to play with them.

I cuddle them to help them feel secure in this new world,

and smother them with kisses and hugs.

I am a mother who celebrates each new milestone,

and is constantly rooting them on.

I am their biggest fan and my world revolves around them, as it should.

I am not a perfect mother, this is true, but I always try to do what is best for them, even if what's best for them feels like a struggle every-single-step-of-the-way, like exclusively breastfeeding them has been.

I am not a perfect mother, and that's okay.

I love my children.
ALL of my children.
Fully and unconditionally.

I am not a perfect mother, and yet, somehow, despite any missteps and mix ups along the way, I know that they don't need me to be.

My love will be enough.

6th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo

2011-07-28T23:08:00.003-04:00

Has your Rainbow hit a milestone this week?

Starred in a cute video?

Done something adorable? Funny? Downright embarrassing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions,

than you have come to the right place!

Welcome to the Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday we can gather here to share our little ones' triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes ... even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course) via links to our own blogs with posts about any and everything Rainbow from the week.

Feel free to grab the button from the sidebar and help spread the word. Let's bring this Rainbow parenting community together.

I will go first...

Shhhhh! Babies Sleeping.

Yay! You may remember me mentioning a few weeks back about some of the momma struggles I was facing. Well it appears (crossing fingers as I type this) that the days of overly tired fusspots are over. Bubba and Squeaks are sleeping well, and we are ALL so much happier for it!

I wish I had a picture to share of this, but the idea of "possibly" waking them up to take a picture of them sleeping is just a little too risky for me.

We have had a heck of a time with the babies refusing to nap and refusing to sleep unless they were on the boob. I took some of the advice offered here, went and spoke to my pediatrician, and armed with a plan, went to work on getting them sleep trained during Wednesday's nap.

All in all, things have been a success.

Sleep Log Thus Far:

Wednesday Nap - put the babies down. Squeaks fell right asleep. Bubba fussed a bit. I comforted him after timed intervals and it worked! 17 minutes into it he was asleep, and they both napped for 2.5 hours! They woke happy, and refreshed, and smiling.

Wednesday Evening - Same routine as at nap time. Bubba fell asleep after 6 minutes. Squeaks woke up and fussed. I patted her belly and she fussed another 5 minutes. I patted again, and noticed she was dirty. I changed her diaper, nursed her (not to sleep but just a little longer) and put her down and she went right out! They slept from 9PM-4AM when they woke for their next feed.

Thursday Naps: They took two 2 hour naps, no fussing.

Thursday Evening: Not even 5 minutes in Bubba was asleep, and after less than 10 minutes, Little Miss Squeaks was sleeping too!

I have to tell you. I was really, really scared to try to sleep train them, and I know we still have a ways to go before we have this down pat, but while it was something I never would have imagined myself doing, seeing how well it has gone and how much happier they seem to be and how much more ready to play they are because of it, I am so grateful to have given it a try.

So... that is what Bubba and Squeaks

have been up to this week...

What have your rainbows been doing?